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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is this a big deal?

29 replies

melonian · 14/07/2009 20:22

My DS 15 months has been going to a childminder for 3 months, and I am generally really pleased with her, and he seems really happy there. There are a few minor issues like the telly seems to be on most of the time, but I really like and trust the childminder.

However, my DH picked DS up earlier than usual yesterday just as she was returning home, and she had left the children with her husband, who works from home. My DS was having a nap at the time anyway, and I don't know how long she was gone, but I just feel it was wrong - husband hasn't been CRB checked or anything.

The other thing was he had been in the same nappy all day from 8 when I left him until 3 when DH picked him up (we use cloth and there were no dirty ones in his bag). I am v.unimpressed that she didn't change him before his nap.

Would this be a dealbreaker for you? DC2 is due in Oct and I had planned to keep sending him 2 mornings when I am on mat leave but am now thinking of looking for a nursery for both DC and leaving the childminder when I go on mat leave.

Thanks for your opinions

OP posts:

GreenGhost · 14/07/2009 20:25

Hsveing the TV on most of the time would be the deal breaker for me.

Did his nappy need changing? (possibly a stupid question)

kitsmummy · 14/07/2009 20:25

yes, bang out of order on both accounts. Particularly telling as DH earlier than expected, presumably she would have made sure these things were covered up by your normal pick up time

dizzydixies · 14/07/2009 20:25

have you asked her why he was left? I wouldn't be happy when you're paying her to look after DS that she wasn't there - was that a one off?

the tv and lack of nappy change would also be an issue for me but if you like/trust her then at least give her the chance to explain

jenn321 · 14/07/2009 20:27

it is a big deal to leave the children you dont know for sure how long she was out, and with leaving him in a cloth nappy dosnt sound so good, it may have been an isolated incident but i have used both childminders and day nurseries and i prefer the day nursery, both my children came on leaps and bounds going to there nursery. personal preference maybe but why dont you have a word with your childminder and raise your concerns. if she cant give any valid reasons or does not take what you say on board there are plenty others out there

pippylongstockings · 14/07/2009 20:30

How long has she been childminding? What other children does she have ?

Did you speak to any other parents before using her when getting references?

Sorry lots of questions.

I wouldn't be happy with what you have described but I would give her the chance to have a chat about it and lay out a few expectations of what 'good' looks like to you.

LyraSilvertongue · 14/07/2009 20:33

I don't see the problem with leaving your DS asleep with her DH. And childminders' partners/husbands have to be CRB checked. Do you know for sure that he hasn't?

ConnieComplaint · 14/07/2009 20:33

Is it possible that she maybe washed your nappy herself as she was doing a load anyway?

My c/minder has left ds with her dh when he was asleep & she needed to go to the dentist - she text me before she left asking if she would wake him or let him snooze. Ds is used to her dh so I said let him sleep, she wasn't going to be long at the dentist anyway. But I suppose the fact she asked me meant she wouldn't do it without asking me??

I do know that someone apart from her often picks dd up at school as the other lady's ds goes to dd's school & cm has a pick up at same time at another local school - again I am fine with that as it has been cleared with me.

TV on wouldn't be a big deal for me if they are in the house & it's just background noise.... it would be if they lay glued to it all day though!!

ConnieComplaint · 14/07/2009 20:35

Also, when ds was smaller I used cloth nappies, my (different than now) c/minder often washed them when she was doing a load of towels!

callalilies · 14/07/2009 20:36

Yes a dealbreaker. The telly being on would be something I'd say give her a chance about, and even the not bothering with new nappy, but leaving the children with a non CRB-checked person without your knowledge/permission would be the last straw for me.

Wonderstuff · 14/07/2009 20:36

I would have expected her dh to be crb checked. Nappy and TV would piss me off though.

Original poster

melonian · 14/07/2009 20:37

Wow thanks for fast replies!

I will ask her about both concerns but she is hardly likely to say "Yes I was out for quite a while and tbh it happens quite a lot", is she?

His nappy was soaking when he got home but I suppose it could have been dry when he went for his nap, I doubt it though.

Telly is on almost every afternoon when I pick him up but I think it's the after-school mindees who turn it on, it hasn't been on when I've picked him up early and just the little ones are there.

We live in a rural area and there just aren't that many childminders around with spaces available. There is a fab nursery but it's 10 min in the wrong direction for work and I already have a 45 min commute - will think about it though.

Thanks again

OP posts:

duomonstermum · 14/07/2009 20:37

if her husband works from home would he not have been CRB checked too? my childminders husband works from home a lot and he had to go through the check. it also depends on how long she was gone for. if the child was sleeping then i don't see the problem with her nipping out for a bit. but then again my childminder and i share similar views and she had said that there may be the odd occasion where her DH might have to keep an eye on the kids. (eg nipping to shop and a couple of times when she had dental/doctor appointments)

Wonderstuff · 14/07/2009 20:39

If i left my dd that long in cloth nappies she'd be wet through (but maybe thats just my nappies)?

shoshe · 14/07/2009 20:45

All adults over thw age of 16, in the house of a CM have by law to be CBR checked, so her Dh would be checked.

As for the rest of it, very bad practice, b ut do think she must have changed child in that time, the nappy would have been so wet it would leak wouldnt it, if not.

I used to wash cloths when a child came in them, I would put them in with the bibs and hand towels each day.

booyhoo · 14/07/2009 20:46

from what ive heard, anyone that lives with the childminder that is over 18 has to be crb checked for the childminder to become registered. unless she is unregistered then i imagine he has been checked.

she should have told you when you first contacted her that her dh would sometimes be left in charge unless it was an emergency. but as you havent siad this i assume it wasnt.

but the nappy and tv would efinately be a dealbreaker for me. in fact i removed my ds from his first creche because his nappy hadnt been changed from 8 until 2pm and his bottom was very red. i phoned them as soon as i got home and changed him and said he wouldnt be back.

Original poster

melonian · 14/07/2009 20:49

Aargh sorry I'm new and can't keep up with replies!

She has been minding for 10years and in the day just has my DS and another little girl who is 18 months, then after school has 3 more. Got references from the after school mums but not the little girl's mum, they had no concerns at all but I guess it's quite a different situation.

Wasn't really that worried about the husband looking after the kids, he seems v.nice and didn't know he would have been CRB checked so thankyou for that. It's more that I feel I don't really know what goes on when I'm not there. Am feeling the guilt anyway for leaving him in childcare, and it's just so hard to trust someone I don't know with my precious DS!

OP posts:

duomonstermum · 14/07/2009 20:59

i would have a chat with her and find out what kind of things they do while he's there. mine always put a wee note in telling me what DD had eaten and what they had done that day. but then DD is her only mindee as her DD2 is the same age as mine and she feels that she can give more attention to them. if you are happy in general then try and iron out the little niggles now. if there has been other things that have been niggling and you're not happy, then by all means look at alternatives.

skidoodle · 14/07/2009 21:02

My dd's cm did this once (leaving withher dh for 10 mins) and I was furious. DH spoke to her and it's sorted. The nappy would worry me more tbh but I have found that it always makes sense to talk problems like this out with the cm. It's not the same kind of relationship you have with a nursery, more personal and it can really help to talk through things like this. If she can't satisfy you then you can rethink.

As for tv being on - I think it's quite unreasonable to expect older children not to watch telly because you don't want your child to. dd never watches tv at home but I accept that leaving her in someone else's home means she'll be exposed to influences not of my choosing. If I wasn't happy with that I'd put her in nursery with its more formal set up.

skidoodle · 14/07/2009 21:11

I know exactly how you feel - it's a lot to trust a virtual stranger with and if anything even remotely shakes that trust then you start questioning everything.

If your son seems really happy there then that counts for a lot, especially if you have been happy so far.

From personal experience I really recommend talking to her and seeing if she can set your mind at ease. I've had some issues with dd's cm because she can be a bit daft sometimes, but I'm so glad I worked through them because dd adores her and loves going there and is treated so well by her and her dds.

cornsilk · 14/07/2009 21:15

If your ds is happy there I'd let it go.

cat64 · 14/07/2009 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DesperateHousewifeToo · 14/07/2009 21:35

The fact that your ds' nappy had not been changed for a while would suggest to me that perhaps she had been out for a while.

I would want to know how often she goes out. If there was an emergency, and it was a one-off, fair enough. But if she pops out frequently to do her weekly shop, for example, that would make me more concerned.

Basically, I think you need to discuss all this with her in a non-accusatory way.

FairLadyRantALot · 14/07/2009 21:38

hmmmm...don't all hubies/partners have to have a crb too...because I thought that was the rule

corriefan · 14/07/2009 21:59

Do you feel that your ds is happy where he is? Because I think if he's really happy there it msy be worth trying to sort the problems out rather than changing his care and possibly encountering a different set of problems. My ex childminder (ex because we moved), her dh was also registered even though it wasn't his main job, just so he could care for them if need be.

SlartyBartFast · 14/07/2009 22:11

how worryign for you.
good tip is to let your dh or you make a habit of picking up earlier unannounced,

tv, well was it on for others?

nappy - i woudlnt be happy about that.

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