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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that you can't pick and choose which children you want at your wedding?

28 replies

tri1010 · 13/07/2009 21:53

My Husband cousin is getting married at the end of the summer, we have a three month old baby and her name wasn't on the invite and there was no mention of whether children were welcome. I Mentioned this to my mil and she said of course she can go she just not on the invite. My sil got there invite and her son was on the invite he is five so of course will need to eat.

It was then hen night on saturday and i mentioned it to the groom sister and she said of course it was ok to bring her.

Anyway the groom has rung today and said that the not having any children except for our nephew and we can't bring our baby because others have been told no and they may get annoyed. but surely they will be annoyed anyway because he is there.

I think if you don't want little children at wedding you should say on the invite, i wouldn't have been affended by this but i am affended by the fact that my nephew can go and now i look a bit stupid because i presumed she could go even though she wasn't on the invite, that they had just overlooked her because she didn't need to eat.

OP posts:
Mutt · 13/07/2009 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tommy · 13/07/2009 22:02

actually, if I had a 3 month old baby, I would just take them anyway whether they were "invited" or not - they don't need a chair or a meal and if they cry at an inopportuune moment, you can just take them out.

Treat your baby as a big handbag

Wonderstuff · 13/07/2009 22:03

Seems strange, 3mo much less troble than a 5yo, and I personaly think that it would have been good manners to talk to you before or just after you got the invite to explain, but it is up to them what they want.

TrillianAstra · 13/07/2009 22:08

If I got all the relationships right the bride and groom are allowing their nephew but not their cousin's child. Drawing a line based on how close the relationship is seems sensible.

OTOH a 3 month old is not going to be any trouble and it seems silly to exclude babies of that age.

If you have a question about a wedding you really should ask the bride or the groom, not your MIL (unless it's her wedding of course )

jemart · 13/07/2009 22:08

Thing is if you have a very young baby surely mummy+baby is non-negotiable?

If I were faced with a similar situation I probably wouldn't bother going as I would feel unwelcome.

AitchTwoOh · 13/07/2009 22:12

trillian astra said what i would have. bottom line, you can pick and choose what children you want at their wedding.

ShowOfHands · 13/07/2009 22:18

I learnt the hard way that it's up to them. My brother deliberately didn't invite my dd (exclusively bfed and his niece obviously) but did invite their friends' children as, and I quote, "they're good friends of ours, we want to involve their children". but their decision.

AitchTwoOh · 13/07/2009 22:25

jeez, that is BAD.

Nellykats · 13/07/2009 22:29

Surely at three months they can't expect her to stay behind!? Why not have a chat with the bride, you could mention that mil had said she could come along...
I wouldn't mention that you got pissed off about the nephew, like Mutt said it's their rules anyway - but your baby is just too young to even upset anybody else who left their (older) children behind.

crokky · 13/07/2009 22:32

tri1010 - just say you're not going. Is your DH particularly close to this cousin? Will anyone care anyway? If people don't want my DCs at their wedding, then I won't attend their wedding. If your DH really wants to go to this wedding, see if he would mind going on his own.

Jemart is right - mummy and baby is non negotiable at this age. Don't leave your baby just because someone else wants you to. Only leave your baby if you are happy to do so. If that means not going, that's fine IMO!

SoupDragon · 13/07/2009 22:38

YABU. Of course they can pick and choose who attends their wedding.

Well done on pickling such a contentious topic for your first post on Mumsnet.

SoupDragon · 13/07/2009 22:39

"mummy and baby is non negotiable at this age"

Actually, if the baby is bottle fed of course it's negotiable.

Wonderstuff · 13/07/2009 22:47

Actually Soup I that 3mo is very tiny and whilst some mums would be happy to leave them for a day many would not. There does seem to be a thread like this at least once a fortnight.

LovelyRitaMeterMaid · 13/07/2009 22:50

People can invite whoever they want to a wedding. Just because you have a little baby does not mean you automatically get an invitation for them.

I personally find it odd when people don't choose to have children at their wedding, but their wedding, their choice.

Original poster
tri1010 · 14/07/2009 15:14

I totally agree their wedding their choice, they can pick and choose who they want.

I just think its an odd decision given that the two children are the same relation to the groom to invite one and not the other. With the reasoning others have been told no children but there is child there! Surely they are not normal if they can't see this, and people will be affend anyway.

12 hours is quite long to be away from her, part of me thinks i won't go to the church i'll just go to the sit down meal but surely this is rude aswell not to go to the service and then not stay for the evening bit.

OP posts:
HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/07/2009 15:17

You can pick and choose who you want at your wedding.

You can't pick and choose who actually turns up.

Lots of people wouldn't even consider leaving a tiny three month old for a whole day. I wouldn't have done.

scribblehead · 14/07/2009 15:26

I agree that bride and groom can choose who they have but I always think it's sad when people don't want kids. I think a wedding should be a family event not a chance to show off how stylish or sophisticted you are. (but then I am feeling stroppy today)!

StealthPolarBear · 14/07/2009 15:33

yes, iswym, they haven't drawn an arbitrary boundary as the two children are the same relation to the groom!
Personally I wouldn't leave a 3mo for a full day unless I absolutely had to - unless you want to go, I don't think anyone would think yabu for refusing to go (and being quite offended!)

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 14/07/2009 15:43

tri by not inviting the baby they made the decision for you to not be able to attend the whole day, or at the very elast my rule of thumb is:

it's up to you whether you invite my children, but should my attendance not be possible because of it I will not feel guilty, that is an equal part of your choice. If family members have told me that my child can attend and that changes, it's a shame if that affects your meals / head count etc but a lesson in singing from the hymn sheet is required perhaps

If the care of a baby emans one cannot attend a whole day, the thing I think is to call them and ask if it is OK to attend part. IME people often invite people without kids knowing they can't attend and having already assigned that place to someone else in their mind, so the best thing always is to ask.

Callisto · 14/07/2009 15:50

Really Peachy? How odd to invite someone but make sure they can't attend. Why invite them in the first place?

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 14/07/2009 15:52

Ah because they'd want dh to attend but its rude not to invite wifey, but you know she doesnt have a sitter and you dont want kids so you are awaiting the refusal before bringing in the backup brigade

pragmatism rather than nastiness obv

makedoandmend · 14/07/2009 16:00

I think the one rule for one etc thing sucks but it's up to them. However, if they invite you but not your three month old then I think it's up to you whether you go or not - and if you decide not to then there should be no guilt attached. Personally I wouldn't have left my dd at that age but it's a personal decision (but one that should be respected by them).

I'm guessing they don't have kids of their own. If they did they probably wouldn't expect you to leave her.

proverbial · 14/07/2009 16:05

Of course people can pick and choose who they want at their wedding.

And of course those invited can choose whether to attend or not.

Is anyone else completely sick of these children at weddings questions?

GarconsSontCommeDesChiens · 14/07/2009 16:06

Oui proverbial

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 14/07/2009 16:23

Yes Proverbial today I am.

But another day I might enter into the battle with relish...