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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to do these basic childcare tasks?

41 replies

ineedalifelaundry · 12/07/2009 10:44

DD (10m) was up 4 times during last night. DH is rubbish at getting up in the night and even if he does try (as he did on one occasion last night) she screams for me. Consequently, I had precious little sleep last night. At 7am, DH got up with DD and left me to lie in. Brilliant. I got 3 hours of uninterrupted blissful sleep. So far so good.

At 10am, he comes to wake me up. DD was still wearing her sleepsuit, the same nappy she'd had on all night (now poo-filled), and he hadn't even given her any breakfast or a drink! All he'd done was watch TV and play with her. For 3 hours. And waited for me to get up and do the essential morning tasks.

I haven't said anything for three reasons - 1. It was a lovely gesture to let me lie in so long; 2. me and DD are going away today for a week without him and I don't want an argument to be forefront in our minds; 3. He's really tired and grumpy himself and currently banging around the kitchen in a Bad Mood.

AIBU? Should I say something?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 12/07/2009 10:46

was she not crying for milk/food?

the sleepsuit is not an issue but no food and a poo-ey nappy is lazy

drinkyourmilk · 12/07/2009 10:48

If your DD is relatively happy still then i'd just leave it. Like you said it was a lovely gesture - and 3 hrs is a long lie in. He's more likely to repeat it if you say how wonderful it is rather than remark how he did things wrong.

6inchnipples · 12/07/2009 10:49

why is he in a mood?

yanbu at all, i'd be well pissed off, long lie or not.

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 12/07/2009 10:51

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be in her sleepsuit but he should have changed her nappy and given her breakfast....poor mite!!!
Personally I would leave it today as it will probably end in an argument. But next time he gets up with her remind him to change and feed her.

6inchnipples · 12/07/2009 10:51

In my opinion its not a 'lie in', Its catching up on sleep you have been deprived of.

MIAonline · 12/07/2009 11:01

YANBU, to expect Dh to meet the needs of his daughter. Changing a nappy and feeding his child is not rocket science and he shouldn't be so lazy that you have to ask him to or that he wakes you up to do it.

There is no reason why he shouldn't be able to think for himself and as for you feeling grateful because you had the chance to catch to catch up on some sleep, well I don't agree with that either.

I agree you may not want to bring it up today as you are going away, but don't let this cycle continue. Your DD is already 10 months and your DH needs to learn quickly how to look after his own child.

allaboutme · 12/07/2009 11:03

I'd ahve to say something.
In as nice a way as possible can you say to him 'I really appreciate you getting up with DD to let me catch up on some sleep, I really needed it! but the dirty nappy and breakfast really needed to be sorted earlier on, i'm not having a go, just wanted you to know for next time' big smile and a kiss and all should be ok

moondog · 12/07/2009 11:05

He sat and watched tv for three hours???

Jesus.

Firawla · 12/07/2009 11:07

He should have done it. I would mention to him but in a nice way, so that next time he should definitely realise he needs to do these small tasks. Once they are done which wont take long, he can just play and watch tv as much as he wants, but to leave it to you 3 hours later is not right

insertwittynicknameHERE · 12/07/2009 11:09

YANBU, I think I also would have to say something to him but would probably leave it until next time or at least when you come back from your holidays. You shouldn't have to remind him to do these basic tasks but maybe all he needs is you reminding him one time for him to remember.

Why is he in a bad mood?

TheArmadillo · 12/07/2009 11:10

YANBU I would be fucking furious.

He's her parent as well.

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 12/07/2009 11:16

I'm not sure why he's in a bad mood. He says he's tired but I get the feeling there's something simmering under the surface that he's not saying because he doesn't want an argument just before I go away either.

OP posts:
insertwittynicknameHERE · 12/07/2009 11:20

maybe you both need to clear the air and have a good chat before you go away then. Sounds like it would do you both good to get it out before you and DD go away then there are no bad feelings building up, on either part, while you are away.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/07/2009 11:25

If they had a happy time playing then I wouldn't say anything - instead I'd be pleased she had some fun time just with dad.

It's not like she wouldn't have complained at not being fed food if she was properly hungry

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 12/07/2009 11:27

Just remembered that it's one year today since DH stopped smoking. Maybe he'd like to be congratulated - he's been going on about it for weeks! I'm off to do that ...

OP posts:
gardeningmum05 · 12/07/2009 11:29

i would of been grateful for the lie in TBH.

Original poster
ineedalifelaundry · 12/07/2009 11:30

I don't think DD did complain to him about being hungry, but she certainly did as soon as she saw me. Obviously associates me with food! He knew she had a pooey nappy though,

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 12/07/2009 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo · 12/07/2009 11:51

I am absolutely shocked and disgusted that so many of you think 'she should be grateful for a lie in' or that 'he needs to be gently reminded'.

A 4yo knows that a pooey nappy needs changing and that a baby needs breakfast when they get up ffs.

He obviously sees all the work in childcare as your work and isn't prepared to put in effort. And the longer you let this go unchallenged the longer he will get away with it. What's the betting that you do 99% of the housework as well

Jesus. My dp was even more disgusted than I was.

But now rather than tackling it you'll go and pander to his bad mood - wonder why he does it eh?

MIAonline · 12/07/2009 11:55

Well said TheArmadillo

Ninkynork · 12/07/2009 12:24

YANBU. When my exH and I were newly separated he did this exact same thing. No breakfast, no milk, no nappy change, no interaction.

We had been talking about a reconciliation the night before but when I woke up and found that he had used the precious time with DD to watch WWF wrestling for three hours it broke the deal. Good for me though 'cos it let me see exactly what sort of father he was intending to be once and for all.

DippyDino · 12/07/2009 22:18

I cannot imagine my dh getting up with dd and not changing her nappy straight away and then making breakfast and a drink...

Sometimes I think perhaps we should say this is what you do, get up, nappy change, breakfast, drink, play, colouring in blah de blah and be specific about it all.

Then they can't sit there with that lost and confused look on.

Never marry a bloke with that look. Perhaps we should all co-parent puppies before getting married in order to put an end to this kind of shit...

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2009 22:36

FFS what an absolute knobber this man is. He's prepared to let his DD sit in a shitty nappy (getting nappy rash) and not have anything to eat or drink purely to make the point that it's your job to service the family and he is the MAN and therefore doesn;t have to care about anything other than himself.

katiestar · 13/07/2009 00:10

I know he SHOULD be feeding and changing her.Trouble is if you criticise him when he thinks he's helped you out ,he might not do it again. Good idea would be to make a list of DDs daily routine and tell your DH you will pin it inside a cupboard for him to refer to if you are not in.Then you make your point without it coming over as criticism
YANBU though

blinks · 13/07/2009 00:16

why are people suggesting that this man should be treated like a fucking oaf.

he shouldn't need to be reminded to feed and change the nappy of his own child.

'lovely gesture'? pin up reminders?

never heard so much shit in all my life.