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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to do these basic childcare tasks?

41 replies

ineedalifelaundry · 12/07/2009 10:44

DD (10m) was up 4 times during last night. DH is rubbish at getting up in the night and even if he does try (as he did on one occasion last night) she screams for me. Consequently, I had precious little sleep last night. At 7am, DH got up with DD and left me to lie in. Brilliant. I got 3 hours of uninterrupted blissful sleep. So far so good.

At 10am, he comes to wake me up. DD was still wearing her sleepsuit, the same nappy she'd had on all night (now poo-filled), and he hadn't even given her any breakfast or a drink! All he'd done was watch TV and play with her. For 3 hours. And waited for me to get up and do the essential morning tasks.

I haven't said anything for three reasons - 1. It was a lovely gesture to let me lie in so long; 2. me and DD are going away today for a week without him and I don't want an argument to be forefront in our minds; 3. He's really tired and grumpy himself and currently banging around the kitchen in a Bad Mood.

AIBU? Should I say something?

OP posts:
katiestar · 13/07/2009 15:13

You are right Blinks.But we have to be pragmatic about these things.Praise good behaviour rather than penalise bad

OhBling · 13/07/2009 15:26

"Praise good behaviour rather than penalise bad "?! WTF. He's her husband. Not her toddler.

rookiemater · 13/07/2009 15:39

Agree with The Armidillo. If the OP allows this to go then fast forward to the situation in Chat where a grown man is incapable of giving his school age children a decent breakfast and getting them to school whilst his wife is at work.

Letting a baby sit in its own excrement is fairly close to child abuse in my book, doesn't it cause nappy rash and blisters if there for long enough and again not feeding until 10.00am is ridiculous.

Okay so maybe to get the best result the OP needs to be unemotional and praise positive intent i.e. being up with the baby and "letting" her have a lie in, but the topics about nappy changing and giving food absolutely have to be tackled, otherwise she is just giving him a licence to be a dickhead towards his own child and she is never ever going to enjoy a lie in if she knows her baby is sitting around in her own poo.

bossykate · 13/07/2009 15:51

totally passive aggressive. he left the breakfast and the nappy to punish you for having the lie in.

DandyLioness · 13/07/2009 15:51

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bossykate · 13/07/2009 15:53

yup solidgoldbrass, absolutely.

GingaOutWest · 13/07/2009 16:34

YANBU. But agree timing out for discussion of his behaviour pre week away.

My own dh in charge of 5 week old dd on Sat for 1 hour (my first 'time off' in 3 weeks....spent doing fr*gging food shopping that he 'forgot' to do previous 2 days). He left her crying and in soaking wet nappy that drenched vest, babygro, sheet etc as obviously didn't bother his backside to check for reasons for crying. I was speechless. Now feel I can't leave him minding her on his own. V tempted to shop him to his mother (proud granny concerned her perfect darling is tired & why amn't I doing more. FFS) Or just rip his arm off and batter him with the wet end. AIBU?

kitsmummy · 13/07/2009 16:58

I'm sorry but "it was a lovely gesture"??!!!! What a crock of shit, you were up all night with her, it's only right that he got up and you get a lie in. Of course he should change and feed her, totally unacceptable behaviour, if i was you it wouldn't be gratitude that i was feeling

DesperateHousewifeToo · 13/07/2009 17:32

I'd have given him a clean nappy and wipes when I came down and let him change the nappy then.

I'd have then got her breakfast out, not prpraed it, and told him it was in the kitchen. Then gone and showered, etc leaving him to deal with it.

The more you take over each time he does not do something, the more you re-inforce to him that it is your 'job' not his.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/07/2009 17:39

I agree with bossykate, and I would assume that this is why he is banging around in a petulant strop, because you got a "lie-in".

rookiemater · 13/07/2009 17:59

Actually Desperates suggestion is probably the best way to go.

The only possible reason for him leaving his daughter like this other than being an arse is because he genuinely does not know that babies nappies need changing in the morning and they need fed.

MoChan · 13/07/2009 18:27

Agree with pp - "totally passive aggressive. he left the breakfast and the nappy to punish you for having the lie in."

Pretty much what I was going to say.

Flibbertyjibbet · 13/07/2009 18:47

weeelll. while dp would not have left a child unchanged and unfed...

I can't remember the last time he got up first without me literally shoving him out of bed after about an hour of 'can you get up first this morning for a change please'.

So while I do sympathise at the childs shitty bottom, my feelings are more at you having a lie in that was all his own idea.

(NOT saying you should be grateful for a lie in though!!!)

Do you think he is simmering because you haven't (in his eyes) been grateful enough either for the lie in or for him 'looking after' his daughter for a whole three hours

If so then give the man a medal - and I mean get a medal with the biggest PIN on that you can find and ram it into his chest!!!

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 13/07/2009 19:29

The reason he is going around in a strop, is in order to pre-empt you tackling him about his neglect of his child. It's a deliberate strategy to ensure that you will feel more awkward about requiring him to do his fair share of caring for your child.

Some of the attitudes on this thread make me despair. How many of you would have the same attitude if you were told that a mother left her baby in a shitty nappy all morning and didn't feed her? No wonder women are still doing most of the domestic chores in the home, if so many of you feel that this behaviour is even remotely tolerable. It's disgusting. The idea that the OP should somehow feel grateful to her husband, who is supposed to fucking love and respect her, for enabling her to catch up on sleep while neglecting their child - well really, words fail me.

GabriellesMummy · 13/07/2009 22:04

I totally agree with DandyLioness and HerBeatitude

You shouldn't feel 'grateful' for a lie in - you dont really get a lie in when you have a baby (have recently discovered that myself after having my PFB - DD almost 9 weeks ago!), you are basically getting your sleep in the morning since you got up with your DD during the night - although why you had to get up 4 times and your DH got to sleep right through until 7am is beyond me.

Given that your DD is 10m should he not know that she should be fed breakfast in the morning and will also need her nappy changed?

I definately think you should be telling him that he should've fed and changed her himself and let you sleep longer - 3hrs isnt exactly a great sleep when you've been up 4 times during the night - its not just up to you to look after your DD - he should be taking responsibility too!!

Hope all works out

CyradisTheSeer · 13/07/2009 22:32

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