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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to want to get dds together with good friends' dd?

46 replies

flopsyrabbit · 09/07/2009 18:32

I have a long standing and very good friend (from uni) who is the first to admit her dd finds it hard to make friends. My dd thinks this girl is 'weird' and has always thought that, ever since they were toddlers.

When I tried to get my dd to explain more of what she meant, she says this girl is annoying and has no concept of going too far being bossy etc.

My dear friend hoped to 'iron out' her dd's social skills and sent her to a very good boarding school as the village she lived in only had a handful of girls and she could tell these girls just tolerated her dd.

The boarding school has been a disaster socially for the dd as she has no real friends, but otherwise she seems to be ok.

I really like my friend and she wants us to get together in the hols but should I just confine it to term time so that dds don't have to be with her or what advice can I give my dds to stop thinking like that?

What is this 'switch off' button that stops certain girls being popular with others? My dds are generally easy going and so this is an unusual reaction.

OP posts:
lou031205 · 09/07/2009 18:40

You need to teach your girls to show kindness to children they wouldn't naturally 'click' with.

posiedullardparker · 09/07/2009 18:45

I agree with Lou. A great lesson in kindness and making an effort.

junglist1 · 09/07/2009 18:53

Well, I think trying and seeing what happens might be a good idea. If they're easygoing they might find something to like about this girl, and she in turn might learn something from them?

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 09/07/2009 18:54

I also agree with Lou

cory · 09/07/2009 19:00

What is your friend actually proposing? A lunch, a day spent together, or obligatory playdates every afternoon for the next three
years?

If either of the two former, then I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask your dd to be pleasant to her as to any other guest. And you never know, the girl may grow on her. When my dd was 5 I asked her to look out for a friend's dd at school because she was socially isolated and the other children thought her weird. 7 years later they are still best friends. Dd still thinks the other girl is a bit bossy, but that her other qualities more than make up for it.

shouldbeironing · 09/07/2009 19:01

Not saying you should try and force them on your DD's all the time or see them frequently but it sounds quite mean IMO to avoid a so-called friend during the holidays on this basis. I would be incredibly offended by something like this.

lisad123 · 09/07/2009 19:02

I agree, they will grow up to work/be with people they dont like so much, and will have to learn. They should be old enough to tolorate another child tbh

morningpaper · 09/07/2009 19:04

As long as she isn't hurting your DDs I don't see the problem TBH? Just set them up with an activity or a DVD if they really can't bear her. That's life though innit, you can't like everyone!

nappyaddict · 09/07/2009 19:07

Can you suggest to your girls that if they spent more time with her then they might find some things they like about her. Just cos people are bossy doesn't mean they don't have other good qualities. Let them pick and activity they would like to do with her if it would make them want to do it more.

hocuspontas · 09/07/2009 19:08

So your good friend has a dd who finds it difficult to make friends and you don't want your dds near her. Is this right? How would you feel if the situation was reversed? A good opportunity to teach your dds that everyone isn't as lucky as them in making friends and to show some compassion for a couple of hours

morningpaper · 09/07/2009 19:13

Yes actually your OP sounds TERRIBLE and makes you sound a bit vile no offence like

Would a structured activity work? What about meeting somewhere where you can have a walk and the children can run ahead like a woodland? Or meeting in the park where they can play with a ball or something? Or set up a picnic in the garden, or some water play with a paddling pool? Or set up a DVD in your shed or something and pretend it's a cinema?

Or make the most of Bossy Girl and set them up playing schools with her as teacher? Give them projects to do.

The playdate might mean that you need to think of more structured things to do to start them off with but it's quite manageable from the sounds of things.

pickyvic · 09/07/2009 19:54

i take it OP that you have no idea of the hurt caused when your child isnt socially accepted then.
id have thought if she is a "dear friend" that bending slightly and asking your daughter to make an effort for a play date wouldnt be going too far. some people are just unkind to others who are a bit different and i think you could teach her a bit about tolerance and understanding, if you have any.
does your dear friends dd have any support with her social skills? have things like a social communication disorder been ruled out?

jicky · 09/07/2009 20:08

Since she is at boarding school I'm guessing she is too old for water play! But maybe something like bowling and a burger would work as a get together ?

I don't think you can force children to like your friends children but you can expect them to be civil and pleasant for an afternoon, especially by the time they are secondary age.

MissSunny · 09/07/2009 20:12

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 09/07/2009 20:15

You're never too old for water play

I bought a six-metre water slide ... basically a giant rubbish sack with a hose attached... every time I set it up I can't resist throwing myself down it

I have to change my clothes about ten times every afternoon I set it up

morningpaper · 09/07/2009 20:15

and my friction burns are terrifying

it really is bad for friction burns

jicky · 09/07/2009 20:51

MP - you shouldn't need to change your clothes - I have been told by my mother that those water slides are much better naked!

And although I know you can board from very young it seems a very cruel thing to do to a child who is socially awkward.

dilemma456 · 09/07/2009 20:57

Message withdrawn

Original poster
flopsyrabbit · 09/07/2009 21:05

Yes I do sound vile I agree and it is a delicate subject which is why I welcome all feedback. I have been cross with dds in the past, instructed them to 'play nicely' etc and yes, they're 10-12 years old now so I want to improve things iyswim to the ignoring each other which they normally do as a way to get on.

One of the complaints last year were her chanting yoga mantras over and over again preventing the others from sleeping (they all had a sleepover along with others).

They were so cross with her the next day they physically groan at the thought of any more dealings with her.

Of course it's not nice if one of my dds was in her shoes but I have never discouraged them to get together indeed I have always encouraged it. DDs are now at an age where they have opinions of their own and I need to give them some strategies rather than a blank 'play nicely'.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 09/07/2009 21:08

I agree with that last line, actually. I'd tell them you understand their feelings about the girl but they could teach her social skills that will help her out in future if they stick with it. They'll feel good giving her a chance then.

cory · 09/07/2009 21:41

junglist speaks good sense

though if I may say so, your dds do sound like whimps if they can't forgive someone for a broken night at a sleepover; ime (gathered second-hand from 12yo dd) that's par for the course at sleepovers and I have certainly heard a lot worse from dd

I would be firm with them, tell them that we all have to be polite to people from time to time, but you are prepared to be helpful and run through a few scenarios suggesting ways in which they may maintain some sort of control without being rude

maybe they could have some sort of say in the kind of get-together they have, like avoiding a sleepover, let them suggest a day out that they think this girl could handle, that kind of thing

Original poster
flopsyrabbit · 09/07/2009 21:49

Yes that's a good idea, ask them to choose the activity.

The wailing mantras was the last straw apparently.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 09/07/2009 22:01

If they didn't like her, you were a bit HARSH to foist an unsupervised sleepover on them - that would make the nicest children want to kill each other

A few hours playing would be much easier

What about arranging a swim (you could sit out and chat?) or a nature walk (you could walk behind and chat) or meet at a beach or something where they can get on with their own things?

cory · 09/07/2009 22:30

agree that sleepovers are really testing things- but am sure this one was arranged in good faith

like the time we arranged a sleepover for dd and the dd of friends; apparently it was a night of horror: child wanted to swing from dd's lamp Tarzan style, insisted on pulling down dd's knickers, and whenever dd tried to get assistance blocked the door

we only found out the next morning that she has Aspergers, so no doubt had no idea how offensive and scary those things would seem to an NT child

since then, we have given dd more of a say concerning sleepovers

daytime events are easier to keep ticking over

Original poster
flopsyrabbit · 09/07/2009 22:50

Would you say then that possibly this child could have something that has not been diagnosed?

Her own mother clashes frequently with her and finds her very trying and tbh I think the sending to boarding school was a way out of dealing with these issues.

I actually feel very sorry for her, esp as she cries a lot at boarding school and complains that the other girls are mean to her.

Because of the problems encountered last summer I'm keen to avoid them this year. Should I explain to dds the problems this girl has faced as a way to get them to be more sympathetic or would it alienate them more?

I must stress my dds and this girl are not mean to each other but tend to ignore rather than engage which is also unsatisfactory.

OP posts:
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