not to want to get dds together with good friends' dd?

[flopsyrabbit]

I have a long standing and very good friend (from uni) who is the first to admit her dd finds it hard to make friends. My dd thinks this girl is 'weird' and has always thought that, ever since they were toddlers.

When I tried to get my dd to explain more of what she meant, she says this girl is annoying and has no concept of going too far being bossy etc.

My dear friend hoped to 'iron out' her dd's social skills and sent her to a very good boarding school as the village she lived in only had a handful of girls and she could tell these girls just tolerated her dd.

The boarding school has been a disaster socially for the dd as she has no real friends, but otherwise she seems to be ok.

I really like my friend and she wants us to get together in the hols but should I just confine it to term time so that dds don't have to be with her or what advice can I give my dds to stop thinking like that?

What is this 'switch off' button that stops certain girls being popular with others? My dds are generally easy going and so this is an unusual reaction.

no idea, flopsy; some children behave oddly because they are mildly on the Aspergers spectrum; others just behave oddly; others still just need time to mature

I did wonder about dd's best friend for many years, but she seems to be growing upo a lot

as for what you tell, you have to think about what would work with your girls

my dd is well aware that she is more mature than most of her friends, so this kind of appeal to her generosity would almost certainly work; also, she has a humourously tolerant attitude towards people's weaknesses anyway

but if you think there is the slighest risk that your dds might use any information against this girl, or be likely to gossip about it, then I would be a little more cautious about what information I divulged

having said that, I have tried to work a lot on dcs empathy, explaining why people might react in different ways, and they know quite a bit about SN, which I think is always useful

I think you should try and teach your DDs to be kind to a person like this. Re the yoga chanting, tell them that was a year ago (or whatever) and the girl has probably changed since then. I agree with posters who have said try something structured so that the yoga chanting doesn't start...or similar.

My DS has probably got aspergers, he's a lot younger than your DDs (he's 3). I do try and avoid social contact with people (as in mums and toddlers) I don't know well because I don't want DS exposed to rejection and mickey taking yet. I also find it really hurtful when people don't want my DS around because he is an extremely kind boy. I should think your friend is really worried about her DD and thinks that it is "safe" to play with your DDs because you are her friend.

My son's a little like this, an old head 'strongly suggested' he was packed off to boarding school, thank goodness I didn't.

Sounds like she just needs some guidance, someone to say 'don't do that'. It's not hard, it just takes understanding and patience. I'd teach your dd about these skills.

Aspergers is something her mum needs to look into, it sounds like the poor mite is miserable and wants to be liked.

oh how depressingly awful that she'd send away a girl who doesn't make friends at school, to spend ALL her time at school and to be without even maternal support. Honestly. Doesn't take much brain to see that's a crap idea.

I agree that in supervised conditions it could be good for all the girls to be together.

I just feel so so sad for that little girl.

sounds like there could be an underlying reason for her being socially inept. chanting yoga mantras mmmmm..... if i were her mum id be asking to speak with the Senco at the boarding school. if she does have any underlying condition im cringing for her having to board with others - nothing worse for someone with social skills problems. if i had a pound for the number of times some eejit told me to make my son socialise id have been a rich woman by now. does the little girl actually WANT to socialise? if so she needs some social skills training but it must be horrible for her to be constantly having to deal with something she doesnt understand - ie - other people. at least mine could get some peace when he came home from school - im shuddering at the thought of what would have happened had he been made to board.

This thread is meking me shudder aswell pickyvic! (no offence op)

have to admit I would also be concerned if dds of mine as old as 10-12 were still talking about another child as "weird" without showing any understanding of the potential for SN issues, or the dangers of social exclusion

I hope it's many years since you told them to "play" nicely; at their age, you should be able to talk to them more like adults

One of the best things to teach your children is that everyone has positive aspects-have you ever discussed any of these with them?
Your children will grow up and start their career at the bottom of the ladder, most of the people above them who will have picked up a few skills/talents on the way will seem weird, far better they learn to see the talents in people rather than learn from their mum that some people are weird and best avoided.

One of the best things to teach your children is that everyone has positive aspects-have you ever discussed any of these with them?
Your children will grow up and start their career at the bottom of the ladder, most of the people above them who will have picked up a few skills/talents on the way will seem weird, far better they learn to see the talents in people rather than learn from their mum that some people are weird and best avoided.

Has her mother looked into any SN, do you know? She could just be in this awful cycle where no friends means bad social skills so no friends so... but it could also mean she is on the autistic spectrum, for example, albeit very high functioning. Either way I agree boarding school sounds the worst possible, most painful and confusing option for her. She's surrounded by people who dislike her, she can't escape to the refuge of home - and she isn't even a teenager yet. It sounds horrible beyond imagination.

I think there's a happy medium between a sleepover, which is a long visit, and lunches and films, which are defined length and have a set purpose (and with films, actively require no interaction for the duration). If she struggles with social skills that might also be a relief for her, too. I do also think your girls are old enough to understand that sparing a couple of hours so this poor kid isn't absolutely isolated is kind. An irritating pre-and-post film outing and an annoying visit to Pizza Hut or something every couple of weeks is not much out of their summer - and could be the highlight of hers. And if she is just socially inept (as opposed to having an SN that means she cannot pick up on social cues, or understand social expectations) the more isolated she is, the less chance she has of outgrowing it. You aren't asking them to be her best buds, just to exercise a bit of kindness. If you ask them to imagine what her life is like, and make sure the outings are structured and of a set duration, I'm sure they'll go along with it and be patient.

This advice is helping, thank you. The more I think about it, the more I agree the situation this girl finds herself is plain awful. The thing is, every time there's a get together with my friend and others, privately she'll voice her worries. There's no question of her leaving boarding school either as her dad is in the military and it's 'the best thing for them' .

My dds are pretty mature for their age, and as I've said all along, their reaction is unusual as they are generally very tolerant. I think having a chat with them would be the way to go. Yes I agree having to board with others when she is like this is alienating in itself both for her and the other girls.

But if there's no physical assaulting going on then I suppose the boarding school will not deal with it. Apparently the teachers are happy with her academic work(but curiously she doesn't think they like her).

If your kids really aren't into it, I think I wouldn't push them together (obviously contrary to the majority here).

One of my dearest friends has a son the same age as mine who quite frankly looks down his nose at my boy. Her son is very bright (in the extension class at school), mine is dyslexic and I kept him back a year last year. Hers is very sporty (much valued here in Oz), mine isn't. My son has lots of positives attributes, but my friend clearly thinks the things her son is good at are the things that matter and takes a very condesending view of anything mine is good at. I have endured some very painful days watching her son snub mine in a variety of subtle and not so subtle ways with his mother's tacit agreement/approval.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that you would deliberately encourage your daughters to patronise the other child, but I would be careful that it doesn't come across like that.If they really think she is "wierd" then it might be kinder to her not to try and force them together.

flopsy, if I were you I would speak up to this woman. Tell her that you think her daughter needs to be at home where her mum can help her

I'd rather lose a friend through voicing opinions they take offence at, than go along with this and not advocate for that poor kid.

This thread has played on my mind. Good for you for trying to help your girls understand.

And now I come to the really awful bit. My friend does NOT want her dd to board (we have now talked over these issues her dd has been facing)but she is powerless because she has to go with her dh (he is high up in the military) for the social functions and the military contribute a lot to boarding fees (I don't know how much).

So there is no choice and anyway, my dear friend has a very 'militant' dh who believes Boarding is Best. I do believe she has tried to tell him but it is non-negotiable (also because they frequently go overseas).

This would be the stage at which I ditched the military dh. Not because boarding school can't be an excellent alternative for military families, but because this girl is clearly suffering and imo as a parent your first duty is to your child.

Flip, I wouldn't be going anywhere with my dh, far less for poncey military social functions, if it meant my kids were suffering.

Very sad situation all round.

Flopsy - your friend does have a say in these things. We are a military family and some chose to send DCs to boarding school and some don't. There are not that many social functions...sounds like a lame excuse.

Main reason to use boarding school route is stability of education. If wife follows husband and moves every 2 years, it is not great news for a child's education...but nothing says that she has to follow! We're waiting at the moment to find out where my DH's next job is...if it is in Scotland or Plymouth or the Falklands...he's on his own. We'll see him at weekends.

The military will contribute A LOT towards fees (90% of a capped level) but you will still have to make a big contribution. The thing is you can't have it unless you commit to moving round all the time. It is a chooice.

I would go as far as to say my friend doesn't understand her dd, (but she loves her), certainly finds her trying and difficult and her dh has a very short fuse which dd tends to ignite.

Some would say boarding is best when the home situation isn't ideal.

Apart from this, my friend has an enviable lifestyle with her dh so she would not ditch him over this.

I do not judge her for not getting on with her dd as she feels a lot of guilt over it anyway.

well no wonder the kid has problems. If her parents are going to prioritise getting dressed up for silly functions over spending time with her.

Agree with cory's and weegies' posts.

As the girl is in boarding school and it is aked to your daughter to just spend a day with your friend's DD, I would insist she makes the effort.

I would say differently though if we were talking about a girl in her class or even in the same school. The following thing is at the moment happening with My DD1, She is 10yo: a friend of mine's DD finds it hard to make friends, she is fine with just one person, but as soon as there is a group of them it all goes badly wrong.

DD1 is quite popular and my friend has asked if she could every now and then plauy with her DD so she feels less linely. The situation we have now is that this girl is now having a paddy in school every time DD1 dares to speak or play with someone else than her as she now thinks she should have exclusive access to DD1. Not good at all as DD1 now frequently cries ater school for being "cut off" from her other friends and I can fairly say she had NEVER complained about friendship problems before. I feel for my friend's daughter, I really do but I did have to put a stop to it. I have not forbidden DD1 to play with her in school or in the street but have explained to her that when it becomes "to much" she is allowed to play with other people as well, even though her friend is not happy about it.

I do agree that DCs should be taught to put up with a few of their friends/aquaintances bad habits but it has to not be at their own expence!

Poor girl. Do you think that your friend might be able to cut the boarding to weekly boarding or whatever/try and spend some more time with her DD somehow? I think if it is not feasible to remove her from the boarding school, the mother at least has to make the child aware that she is trying her best to do everything she can to see her etc - because otherwise the girl could end up hating her mother due to the actions of the father.

My brother teaches in a boarding school where they take children who have parents in the military and I believe that the fee contribution made by the forces is massive if not all of the fees.