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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset that my mum is going on holiday

38 replies

frazzled74 · 06/07/2009 09:49

my mum looks after my dc's 2 days per week while i work.they go to nursery another 2 days per week whilst i do my night shifts so that i can sleep. She has just told me this morning that she is going on holiday next week for 2 weeks. I am starting a new job next week so cant exactly start swapping shifts and taking parental leave.DH has used up all his leave and nursery cant accomodate the extra days as full.I feel that this is really selfish of my mum and am very annoyed, but also realise that she has a life and that she helps me out a lot. aagh!

OP posts:
ilove · 06/07/2009 09:51

YABVVU!!!!

flamingobingo · 06/07/2009 09:51

yanbu to be upset at the short notice, and that she's going away as it's going toy be difficult for you.

but yabu to be upsaet with her - she can do what she likes and, I imagine, looks after your dcs as a favour.

SusieDerkins · 06/07/2009 09:52

how much do you pay your mum to look after your children?

moffat · 06/07/2009 09:52

YANBU - she should have given you more notice. Are there any friends who could help out, or perhaps an emergency CM?

mumblechum · 06/07/2009 09:53

Sorry but YABU.

Surely you have some sort of plan B for when she's sick?

Can't your dh take parental leave?

Uriel · 06/07/2009 09:54

YANBU to be upset.

Maybe it's your mum's way of telling you she's doing too much?

Tambajam · 06/07/2009 09:55

She's absolutely entitled to go on holiday but I think the very short notice is a bit inconsiderate.

AnguaVonUberwald · 06/07/2009 09:55

YANBU to be upset, but I think you now have to remove them from her care, so that this can't happen again.

If she can't be relied on, then you can't rely on her - this way she can't let you down, you can't get upset with her, and you can have a better relationship in the future.

Good luck with sorting something else out.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/07/2009 09:56

yanbu

your mum should have discussed/asked you first if you had alturnative (sp) childcare

guess you will have to get in a temp nanny/dh fake an illness for 1st week while you try and sort out childcare for 2nd

what area are you in? have a look on your local netmums - there are often nannys on there who are looking for work, obv check out their refs

Overmydeadbody · 06/07/2009 09:57

Well, YANBU to be a bit upset, but it is your problem, not your mum's.

Unless you pay her, she shouldn't have to fit her holidays around you and your childcare needs, as frustrating as it is for you, you and your DH are going to have to sort alternative childcsre out.

Presumably your DH can still take unpaid leave?

Overmydeadbody · 06/07/2009 10:01

I disagree with blonde, you mum sould not have asked you first. giving you more notice would have been nice, but she certainly doesn't have to ask you for permission.

pjmama · 06/07/2009 10:03

She's entitled to a holiday of course, but if she's made a childcare commitment to you (regardless of whether she's paid or not) then she really ought to give you fair notice if she's not going to be available. It's unreasonable for her to drop you in it like this if this is a regular thing.

You should talk to her about it. If she wants the freedom to book hols at short notice, then perhaps you should make other arrangements?

OrmIrian · 06/07/2009 10:04

I think it's a bit unfair to be cross with your mum. She does you a favour and she is enttitled to a holiday. My parents used to look after my DC on a Wednesday. We relied on them to do this but it would never have occurred to us to complain if they couldn't notice or no notice.

I think you need to have a chat with your mum about how much she actually wants to do and whether she is happy with the current arrangments.

Original poster
frazzled74 · 06/07/2009 10:07

yes I know shes entitled to go on holiday.My back up plan is usually to swap shifts, take leave etc. Its the new job which makes it difficult. I need to settle in before i start
calling in favours.
I have offered payment,to put dc's in nursery ,arrange childminder etc regularly over last 2 years. my mum has said no to all , she wants to have them!
hadnt thought of dh taking parental leave, even though we both work full time, childcare has always been my problem to sort out.will ring him at work now and suggest it, thanks

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 06/07/2009 10:08

if it is a regular comitmment (which sounds as if it is) then the OP mum should have discussed it with her first

2shoes · 06/07/2009 10:09

yabvu
it is not her job to care for your children

lizziemun · 06/07/2009 10:27

YANBU.

If she is saying she wants to look after her grandchildren 2 days a week then she should give you more noticeso you could have arranged cover for the children.

I would use this as a reason to stop her looking after the children while you are working as you need reliable childcare.

Judy1234 · 06/07/2009 10:40

yes, childcare is not your issue. It is as much a father's as a mother's. It will only be when men arrange it as much as women as I was quoted inthe press saying I think only last week, that we will inch towards equality and fairness.

Also although it's expensive, there are loads of people needing work at the present. Someone like my 3 student chilren are brilliant with chilren and there will be loads of them locally to you who come for pay do it and if it means your new employer doesn't think you're a skiver right from the start it would be well worth the investment.

Dysgu · 06/07/2009 10:43

My mum has always had DD1 on Mondays and will be having DD2 too on Mondays when I return to work in September.

We offered to pay her when she started and she would not take anything (as she also has nephew sometimes and they can't afford to pay.

BUT my parents are retired and travel for 8-10 weeks a year which do not always coincide with our holidays.

We pay our CM a retainer so that she will open on Mondays when we need them. Yes this costs a lot but having the arrangement saves us having to take parental leave. CM has them the other 4 days of the week anyway but is usually closed on Mondays. Paying a CM for every Monday would cost a lot more than this retainer (plus we pay full rate when she does have them on Mondays.)

My mum wants to have my girls once a week - but only on the condition that they are free to book holidays (which usually means girls start the new school year with the CM full-time!)

More notice would be nice for OP though - my parents try to give at least a month's notice each time they plan to go away (usually for 4-6 weeks at a time).

2rebecca · 06/07/2009 12:00

I think if this is a regular childminding job your mum does so you can work then she is being unreasonable giving you only 1 weeks notice to sort out a childminder for 2 weeks during the summer holidays. It shows she doesn't take it that seriously as a job and is 1 disadvantage of using relatives for childcare. A paid childminder would have to give notice of holidays.
I would look at more days in nursery as I think if your mum valued the childminding she would give more than 1 week notice of going away so maybe feels she's doing too much.
Maybe she's disappointed you didn't ask her what she was doing for summer holidays earlier.

Lizzylou · 06/07/2009 12:04

YANBU, if this is a regular commitment and something which your Mother has promised that she will do (and not let you use other alternatives) then the last minute dropping you in it is wrong.
PIL's have DS2 every Wednesday, which they love and want to do (they wouldn't be paid either) but they let us know of holidays etc way in advance so that we can get alternative arrangements.
Hoe that your DH can sort something out, or do as Xenia suggested with a student etc

MissSunny · 06/07/2009 12:07

Message withdrawn

gorionine · 06/07/2009 12:10

YABU. Your mum does NOT need your permission to go on holiday. You have to find someone else for 4 days. You cannot expect her to put her life on hold because you need her, she probably already did that when you were a child.

I am sorry to sound harsh but I do not know how to say that in a nicer way .

Stigaloid · 06/07/2009 12:12

Frazzled you can explain to your new company the short notice period and share the 2 weeks with your DH. However YABU in your reaction to your mother. She cares for YOUR children. she has a life of her own and they are your responsibility to look after. Stop seeing her as selfish and wish her a much eserved good holiday.

Good luck with your new job.

MissSunny · 06/07/2009 12:13

Message withdrawn