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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a better present...?

48 replies

YesSirICanBoogie · 05/07/2009 20:29

BIL and SIL are loaded and generous with the rest of the family. When SIL's brother had a baby they bought them one of those slider chairs with a foot stool. When our DD1 was born we got a beautiful dress and when DD2 was born last week we got...3 newborn size vests. She weighed almsost 10lbs and went straight into 0-3 months so didn't even get the chance to wear them. The vests came from M&S so I took them back and changed them.
I just think it's a thoughtless present and a book or toy or something for her room would at least last.
I realise I sound like an ungrateful cow but we always buy their children nice presents and I feel a bit upset that our newest daughter clearly isn't important to them.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 05/07/2009 20:31

you do sound ungrateful but then you are only 1 week post birth, so i shan't be harsh

i bet they thought they would be really useful

ineedalifelaundry · 05/07/2009 20:32

I think it's always unreasonable not to appreciate a gift, however small or unwanted. Sorry.

hazeyjane · 05/07/2009 20:33

I don't think presents should be expected, so yes I do think YABU.

vjg13 · 05/07/2009 20:44

I don't think it's too bad to be a bit disappointed. YANBU

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/07/2009 20:46

Stop being so ungrateful.

janeite · 05/07/2009 20:50

YABU and ungrateful. People don't have babies in order to get presents! And tbh most new mothers soon find that easily washed and dried practical items are far more use than a 'beautiful dress'. It is unimaginative and it's a shame they didn't fit but they could have had a bad week at work or something and not had time to think/buy something else.

Congratualtions on your new arrival - just enjoy her - not the presents.

GypsyMoth · 05/07/2009 20:57

credit crunch!!

SerendipitousHarlot · 05/07/2009 20:57

I think after years of buying presents for new babies that they probably went for useful.

Congratulations though

monkeyfacegrace · 05/07/2009 20:58

I think you just sound like a totally over-emotional and irrational mummy to a newborn! I was the same, every last thing had me wound up and in tears because I was so tired!
So no, YANBU, as you have to be kind to yyourself! (just vent anger on here not to them as you do sound slightly ungrateful

madremia09 · 05/07/2009 21:00

i think people say presents are not to be expected but of course they are, its only natural and i would be secretly thinking erm baby gros v slider chair!!????? i know this sounds awful when you say it out loud but i bet anyone would be thinking the same.Im not saying to be ungrateful for what you did get because they did think of you......but....

perhaps you are better off than SIL brother and they simply thought they would appreciate a more expensive prezzie??

maybe they think you already have everything?

or did you already have a slider chair???

sherazade · 05/07/2009 21:02

YANBU at all. 3 newborn vests is a lazy gift no matter how you look at it.

HAVING said that, when we had dd1 we got all sorts of beautiful gifts, when we had dd2, second child, gifts were basic and last minute, it seems people don't make such a huge effort with the second baby.

I don't think you are being ungrateful, it just isn't nice when you get something fabulous and well thought out for one newborn, and something useless for the next.

katiestar · 05/07/2009 21:05

You don't usually get as much for second baby -especially if they are the same sex.It does sound a bit odd when you have a lovely new DD to be upsetting yourself over this.As others have said I think you are tired and hormonal.

pippylongstockings · 05/07/2009 21:05

It is tricky - with my DS1 we had a house full of flowers, cards, visitors, cheques from grand-parents.

With DS2 no one sent a single flower, fewer cards and no cheques from grand-parents.

I am not in any way comlaining it's life doesn't make us love our children any less.

Try not to get hung up on material things they do not matter one jot.

Love your new baby and wonderful addition to your family - congratulations.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 05/07/2009 21:09

YANBU, babygrows are a lame gift from close relations. But don't be sad. You have a gorgeous baby and that won't change because others don't make an effort. Second baby syndrome is all to apparant. I get a bit upset that even DH seems less excited this time and I have come to the conclusion we will not be showered this time, but it is not why we are having the baby, and I know people care as it appeared I received more cards that people I even knew! That does not change, they still care, just show it differently now.

CrushWithEyeliner · 05/07/2009 21:11

yabu sorry but this is the credit crunch

piscesmoon · 05/07/2009 21:27

YABU -I don't think that presents are something that you should expect or compare or give in the expectation of receiving. Just thank them and don't let it bother you.They possibly are feeling the credit crunch.

mayorquimby · 05/07/2009 21:37

yabu and ungrateful.

Original poster
YesSirICanBoogie · 05/07/2009 21:38

I knew I sounded like an ungrateful boot but I promise I'm quite nice really!
The credit crunch doesn't affect these people - they are absolutely loaded - but it's not the cost of the item. It just felt really dismissive.
My best friend also bought us vests among other things and I hugely appreciated that because I know they were bought to be helpful. SIL just bought the first thing at hand en route to hospital.
Hopefully I am just hormonal - I just wish they'd chosen something that meant something.
However they didn't send my husband a card for his 40th yesterday either so it's just DD2!

OP posts:
PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 05/07/2009 22:26

I know where you are coming from here I think. The effort it what you want, like a £2 pressie from a charity shop would be appreciated if it was thought about and given with a bit of love.

Reminds me of birthdays when someone nips into the local coop on route to your party, hands you a bottle of wine, happy birthday got you a present, forgot the card. Now I don't mind some of coop's wine, they do some nice fair trade stuff. But if they had spent a little time they could have spent half the price and got a nice bottle, and I know they bought it while buying their fags. Its not the wine, I like wine as much as the next person, its the lack of giving a shit. I don't expect people not close to me to give a shit, but I do expect my family to give a shit, including my in-laws. It is their relative you have just given birth to.

6inchnipples · 05/07/2009 22:43

I copletely sympathise with you.

First dc i had the works, everyone came to see him and presents galore.

Second dc, less visitors, less presents....i felt gutted that my precious new baby wasn't given the welcome her brother got. This is hurtful esp when newly post natal.

Third dc, i expected less and just enjoyed having her. Third time round i knew that no one would be celebrating her birth more than her mummy and daddy, brother and sister.

Its hard. Its not about the present. Its about having this new precious life in your arms and feeling like friends and family just aren't seeing the gloriousness of it all!

Original poster
YesSirICanBoogie · 05/07/2009 23:00

Pavlov - that's exactly it!
And these are people who've made a huge effort with relatives on the other side.
We did get far more presents and cards with DD1 and I'm not remotely bothered by people who haven't sent their congratulations this time round...I just think family should be different. MY brother who's an unemployed, young, single guy went out and chose a dress for DD2 and that meant so much to me because he'd put some thought and effort into it.

OP posts:
Heated · 05/07/2009 23:09

YANBU. Yes, I would be mildly miffed in a hormonal way too at the lack of thought/care gone into that choice of gift. The money spent is irrelevant. But focus on the thought and care other ppl have shown and of course your gorgeous new daughter.

cat64 · 05/07/2009 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OnceWasSquiffy · 05/07/2009 23:14

See, Pavlov, I am the SIL/BIL type person. Not because I want to be, but because I don't have even 5 minutes a day 'spare'. I don't know if it's true of this couple but it is certainly true of other couples I know of. I leave the house at 6, my PA brings me a sandwich because I never have time for lunch, and I get home at 8, have handover with nanny, grab supper and flake out. And weekends are for taking the kids to the park, the forest, swimming and so on. And I refuse to give up their time to go shopping and stuff.

So 'unscheduled' stuff goes by the wayside. And it really really upsets me that people get all uppity about it. It should be about loving people and being there for them emotionally. And not about remembering to go to the card shop and so on. Especially when they have in this case already shown previously that they do care, with other gifts they have given.

I once had to drive to the all-night Tesco at around 1 in the morning because one of my relatives is all uppity like this and I didn't want to upset her, and believe me, when they say 'it's the thought that counts' they certainly weren't imagining the thoughts going through my head whilst I wandered round the gift aisle with a coat over my jimjams...

aristocat · 05/07/2009 23:26

totally agree with others that there are less cards,presents,flowers,everything with DC2

this doesnt matter to mummy & daddy as we love all DCs the same however there is less of a welcome home with second children - but i dont know why?

maybe theyre having problems - just enjoy DD