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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a better present...?

48 replies

YesSirICanBoogie · 05/07/2009 20:29

BIL and SIL are loaded and generous with the rest of the family. When SIL's brother had a baby they bought them one of those slider chairs with a foot stool. When our DD1 was born we got a beautiful dress and when DD2 was born last week we got...3 newborn size vests. She weighed almsost 10lbs and went straight into 0-3 months so didn't even get the chance to wear them. The vests came from M&S so I took them back and changed them.
I just think it's a thoughtless present and a book or toy or something for her room would at least last.
I realise I sound like an ungrateful cow but we always buy their children nice presents and I feel a bit upset that our newest daughter clearly isn't important to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

YesSirICanBoogie · 06/07/2009 09:36

OnceWasSquiffy - you sound like a really nice and very busy person! But the difference between you and my relatives is that you care. My SIL is a SAHM whose kids are all at school and who puts the effort into her side of the family so she does have the time, inclination and ability to buy meaningful and thoughtful presents when it suits her.
I'm really not meaning to sound 'uppity' but they have hurt my feelings - whether unreasonably or not.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 06/07/2009 09:43

YABU to expect anything

YANBU to be a bit dissapointed, not a very exciting gift, but hope you got something you wanted when you exchanged it.

MamaLazarou · 06/07/2009 09:46

YAB a bit U.

Vests are a very good present for a new baby, and they were from M&S, so easily exchange-able.

mamadiva · 06/07/2009 10:00

First of all CONGRATS on yoru baby girl

Second of all YAB a bit U because times are hard and maybe they just did'nt know what to buy you incase you already had. There could be hidden money problems that you don't know about so be very careful in your assumption that they are loaded!

I'd probably be a teeny bit irratated mainly because 1 pack of vests is simply not enough to keep stinky baby puke or leaky poo at bay for more than 10 minutes

But yes it is the thouvght that counts and all so just grin and be grateful!

Morloth · 06/07/2009 10:15

I only buy meaningful and thoughtful presents when it suits me.

YABU you have no idea what their financial situation actually is. We are friends with a couple here who have pretty much lost everything in the credit crunch, but they are still putting on a hell of a show so to most people they don't look like they are suffering - but they are.

Stop worrying about what you haven't got and start being grateful for what you have.

traceybath · 06/07/2009 10:31

Well i don't think you're being unreasonable but i'm about to have dc3 so not exactly unbiased .

SIL probably spends more time/effort on her familie's pressies because she's understandably closer to them - surely her DH should have made sure he'd got a decent pressie for his new niece.

I understand what people are saying about the money but i agree that its more a question of thought. With your second dc you've normally got all the vests etc and its the little treat pressies that are nicer - and with the sales on you could get a sweet little cardigan or teddy from gap/white company for about £5.

Weegle · 06/07/2009 10:43

I think that's the thing though - you're comparing to HER side of the family. Why is that her responsibility? I do my best to remember DH's family and to treat them equally to mine but at the end of the day sometimes I wish he would take some responsibility for them - and maybe that is the issue here? That your brother should have taken more of a lead? The reality is - I'm going to buy a much more suited and 'thoughtful' present for my sister than my SIL because simply, I know her better, etc etc.

Congrats on the new baby

itshouldbeme · 06/07/2009 11:10

Ok, so forgetting the 'they're loaded' part of the question what do you buy a second/third/fourth child? I really struggle as with a first it's easy - the parents to be talk endlessly about what they've bought for baby and you think of something they'll need but haven't though of. Or you buy cute outfits (which the new parents don't realise are totally inpractical) or toys or books (which the new parents don't realise the kid won't use for months yet) But with a second/third etc child they have all the kit, there are umpteen unplayed-with toys littering the house and they've realised that babygorws til at least 3 months is the best only clothing..
Seriously, can you help with any practical suggestions? I don't want friends who are having their second to think I don't care, cause I do, I'm just really in the dark about what's a good second baby present and I'm worried it might be me who's being talked about like this in a couple of months time...

SoupDragon · 06/07/2009 11:16

Whichever way you look at this you're being ungrateful. Sorry!

It was a gift. They didn't know your DD would be huge (and DS1 was over 10lbs so all his newborn stuff went back too) so it's hardly their fault you had to return the vests.

diedandgonetodevon · 06/07/2009 11:19

YABU to 'expect' anything. They made a gesture, one they thought would be useful. I hope it's the hormonal new mum part of you that is making you so ungrateful.

bamboostalks · 06/07/2009 11:22

I can see why you are cross but unfortunately it is usually the women who sort these things out and she will favour her own family if that is whom she is most close to. You did say they were normally generous though so perhaps it was just a blip.

Schulte · 06/07/2009 11:25

I know where you're coming from. My brother hasn't even sent me a card, let alone a present for DD2 (11 wks). I was sad on her behalf, if that makes sense. But I'd say try to just forget about it, move on and enjoy your new baby. Congratulations!

BrieVanDerKamp · 06/07/2009 11:29

YANBU, that is a crap "present". No thought went into that what so ever, they shouldn't have bothered.

gorionine · 06/07/2009 11:47

YABU and if was them next time you expect a present (birthday, christmas...) I would certainly not get anything at all.

MorrisZapp · 06/07/2009 12:40

You can't help your feelings but in the nicest way possible, YABU.

SIL buys great presents for her own family - of course she does. You are her husbands family, and that is v different.

I have to stand by and watch as my DP buys rubbish gifts for his family, it makes me embarrassed but I have to sit on my hands as it is simply not my problem. I buy for my lot, he buys for his lot.

I bet you don't need another lovely item of child's paraphenalia anyway, not really.

pasturesnew · 06/07/2009 12:47

Are you sure this wasn't a "holding" present while they get you something more, anyway? It might be that they didn't want to overload your house with stuff or that for fancier presents they need to rely on online shopping so you need to be home to take delivery?

pasturesnew · 06/07/2009 12:47

basic · 06/07/2009 12:48

YANBU at all. Having said that I am in the same position but over the years have decided that I can't help but buy presents I hear they would like or know they would appreciate and they can't help but buy presents we would rather they didn't bother. Now I can cope with the way things are.

MorningTownRide · 06/07/2009 13:02

Count yourself lucky. When dd was born SIL visited with her 3 dc and gave me nits.

Oh and why do people always assume they're going to get great presents from people with lots of money?

ipiratethief · 06/07/2009 13:05

i'd be pissed off at the thoughtlessness tbh.

that's a crap present.

Original poster

YesSirICanBoogie · 07/07/2009 21:21

I'm glad not everybody thinks I'm being unreasonable!
I didn't expect an expensive gift - just one with a bit of thought.
It wasn't a holding gift because we've seen them twice since the birth and they didn't mention it.
They're not affected by the credit crunch - they just bought their 17 year old a brand new jeep - and we bought him a tank of petrol for passing his test....I think that's a thoughtful gift!
Itshouldbeme - I usually buy something personalised for babies; letters spelling their names, a cushion with their name or a canvas.
www.notonthehighstreet.com
SoupDragon - SIL managed to buy vests for a girl so they weren't bought in advance; they were bought en route in a hurry and handed over in a carrier bag!
Anyway, the lesson to be learned for me is that I shouldn't expect the same level of thought or care that I put in.

OP posts:

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 08/07/2009 10:04

I don't agree that its not peoples problem to buy for in-laws. AFAIAK my in-laws are my family. And DH is crap at buying presents for his family. His family are generous with us (not talking about expensive but sometimes, yes, but more with time, thought), and that extends to me, and our DS. We do the same in return although we have little money, and I too cannot help but buy something that some-one will like and use. For example I spend several days buying a print of the Tor near the village BIL grew up in, and where he and DH played as children, got it framed for Christmas - now it was not expensive in relation to things they buy each other, but he lives in USA now, and has since he was 12 and he misses where he lived as a child. More money would not have bought a better present, he was quite emotional. DH would have bought he something gagety.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 08/07/2009 10:05

we don't have a DS, we have a DD! I am pg with DS

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