to ask people why they don't want to be my friend?

[Iammummynomates]

I know this has been done to death on here, but I have no friends. There are people I talk to at the school gates from time to time, everyone knows who I am, but they all have their own circles of friends and I am just not a part of that and don't seem to be able to become a part of that.

And thing is, I don't know why. I have never fallen out with anyone, people do talk to me, they just won't cross the boundary between chatting at the school gates and moving on to more meaningful friendship, i.e. coffee, or coming round in any way shape or form. I have been there for some of them on occasion, they've chatted to me about their personal lives, some have confided about their marriages, but as soon as I extend myself and try to say, invite them round, they back off completely and will sometimes avoid me altogether. And it's not because they have such busy social lives, they are constantly round each other's houses for impromptu bbq's/drinks etc, in fact I've been standing amongst them as they plan their evenings out together, to which I am not invited.

So given they clearly don't consider me too be a friend, I've thought about asking them what is so terrible about me that it puts them off, so I would at least know, and can then change so I don't put people off in future.

IBU? Or would that seem ve childish?

I just don't know what to do really. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I've always struggled so much to make friends that there has to come a point when you admit that it can't just be that all the people I meet are horrible, that there must be something about me that puts people off. I just don't know what it is, and no-one has ever told me.

i have one person who i call a friend, she is someone i want to have a conversation with, who i go to when OH and i are rubbing each other up the wrong way, we get drunk together knowing neither of us is going to be bitching about how drunk the other was the next day. we only see each other about once a fortnight, sometimes less but she is my friend. she used to be my best friend but then she met her husband and i met OH and he is now my best friend, that doesnt mean she is less of a friend but that i have a closer more enjoyable relationship with OH. i also see my parents and sister quite alot, not friends in the traditional sense but we enjoy each other's company.

what im trying to say is that i am friends with these people for one main reason, i ENOY being with them. i am not with them so i have someone to go to coffee with, or natter at the school gates with. these people all give me something which i return, they give me time and understanding and respect.

the women you talk about havent shown you any of these things. you will never be true riends with these women.

have a look at you existing relationships, is there someone you might be overlooking? have you got a cousin or brother thats always looking advice (which you might consider as whingeing)? perhaps all they want is someone to listen. not to fix it. IYSWIM.

i dont have many friends, and they dont all run in the same circles. in fact my parents are the only two of my friends that socialise together really. but what i have with eac of them individually is meaningful and enjoyable.

I understand excatly where you come from and would agree with other replies that to ask 'what is wrong with me?' 'why won't you be my friend' would sound a bit strange to people (especially as the groups you are desrcibing do not sound the most accepting!)

I suspect that individually the people at the school gates will chat to you but as a group they behave quite differently (and generally not in a good way!)

I was experiencing just the same feelings the other day. I chat to many people and have, in the past, met up etc but it never goes much further than a one off coffee.

I made a conscious decision that I would make friendships elsewhere but be open to the possibility that it may happen at the school gate in time. I would be friendly and true to yourself as someone has said you will be there for 7 years (more if you have more than one child) but that is all.

Good luck and I am sure that many other parents feel the same......

if you have no friends, though, then this isn't a school gates problem. where are your old pals in this? how easy do you find it to click with people otherwise?

Why would you be seeing them ever school day for 7 years? Do some of you really not let your kids walk home until they start secondary school?
We have walking buses in our area as well for kids needing some supervision walking home because they live further away, but my kids school is just down the street and they started walking themselves at about P4/P5. When they were smaller I was only usually at the school a couple of minutes before the kids came out. Do some of you get ther half an hour inadvance that you have all this chatting time and notice all the other stuff that went over my head?

I'd like to give it from a confident persons point of view (this is just a different view from the other side and I am in no way trying to provoke a bad reaction)

I make friends easily....I havent always been this way, having spent 11 years in an abusive dv relationship I can honestly say every ounce of confidence I had was battered out of me. Rebuilding confidence and expanding your social life takes time, especially if for whatever reason you feel isolated from the world. Its easy to look at other peoples close friendships and feel jealous that you're an outsider, chances are these people have been friends for years and have no idea you feel as you do, and more to the point they're not doing anything wrong they're just getting on with their own lives which is their right to do so.

The best thing to do imo is to try and find a confidence building course or something similar in your local area, these will be full of people in similar situations and the people you meet on there can be good friends.
You can only help yourself on this one, you have to make the changes necessary to expand your social life.
Personally I wouldnt ask them why they dont want to be your friend, this would make you come across as paranoid, desperate and needy and not many people want to be friends with paranoid, desperate and needy people as generally they're not healthy people to be around.

This sort of thing is awful, and sadly I think it's probably quite common to be honest.

I would say I am a shy person but I've made myself go out of my way to chat to people, just small talk, but I also get to the 'shall we meet for coffee' stage and then it all fizzles out.

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, the other posters have put loads of useful info, I just wanted to say you're not the only one...

Can I just ?

"Personally I wouldnt ask them why they dont want to be your friend, this would make you come across as paranoid, desperate and needy and not many people want to be friends with paranoid, desperate and needy people as generally they're not healthy people to be around."

If you don't mind me asking, where is your compassion?

Its nothing to do with compassion, its just a fact that people think like that, whether we like it or not thats how people are.

Personally I will make friends with anyone, thats not to say I will become responsible for their happiness and wellbeing. Paranoid, desperate and needy people arent healthy people to be around, they suddenly get something they haven't had before and deperately cling onto it ie smother, they want to be a part of everything you do and leave you with no breathing space, most the time they dont realise they're doing this then if you say something they get upset and think no one likes them and they'll never have friends. Its a vicious circle and they need some kind of confidence building help in order to break the cycle, there was once a time when I showed too much compassion......boy have I learnt that this is no way to live unless you like being pissed all over.

I havent read whole thread so I am sorry if I repeat what others have said

I have had this problem in the past. Generally I think it happens because people genuinely dont realise that someone amongst them lacks a friend/someone to even say hello to
Also often people just cant be bothered to make new friends

I have found one of the best ways is to walk to and from school each day - my two/three best 'school' friends atm both walk everyday which gives us a good chance to get to know each other

Another way is by working/volunteering - I volunteer for Homestart and have loads of friends amongst the other volunteers

There are particular parents at my lo's school that make a point of ignoring me everyday....... I consider it their loss

I forgot to say I also wouldnt ask anyone "why arent you friends with me?" even the mother of my ds's friend who is rude to me every day and tries to keep her son away from mine - Its her loss

Also another way to meet people - go on a course: sewing, french, cooking, photography or sport - I would love to join our town Netball team for example

It isn't a question of compassion-it is the truth and much better to say it. I have shown compassion and I couldn't cope; everyone needs boundries. For my own well being I will avoid it in future.
I would be very embarrassed if someone asked what was wrong with them because most likely the answer is nothing at all, except that they are wanting more than you want to give.
I just go around being friendly to everyone, old ladies, shop assistants-anyone I come across-sometimes it develops into friendship and sometimes it doesn't.

just a quick thought - and apologies if this has been said (I haven't read the whole thread) but it seems to me that there is a "group" that is already well established. Groups can be quite protective of their group identity. you know the party where you invited 10 couples, and then changed the timing so they could make it? is it possible that this might have been viewed as you trying to become "part of the group" - rather than trying to be friendly to individuals because you like them and feel you have something in common with them? Trying to get into a group is, imho, not the best way to make friends. people behave differently in groups (sometimes badly) but they have a group bond and sometimes they like to keep it exclusive. starting small - individual friendships, individual coffees, might be a better approach. also activities - I've made schoolgate friends through running.

please don't think there's something wrong with you. but try to find something to boost your confidence. good luck.

can I ask why you want to be friends with these people? they don't actually sound very nice toward you imo.

your best bet is to go and do something that you like.. evening class, gym , art centre, etc etc..

smile.. don't over chat.. but chat enough.. and the big thing is you have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason.( i mean this in a nice way).. people feel far more confident when they are talking about themselves.. ( but don't pry.. just the normal.. how was you hols, that's a lovely top etc)
the key is when people do this with you as well.. when they ask you about you, rather than just answer your questions...
If it looks like there are pauses in the convo, I make an excuse and move on.. " oh, lovely chatting.. but I must pop and see.. so and so... big smile on leaving head up etc etc."

It's all about the "show" and people will naturally follow a social leader.. rather than an asker.

hope some of that makes sense.. and have fun trying some of it out.

Oh, how sad Iammummmy

Can I ask what has happened to your old friends - you say you've had good friends but not for a long time, did you move and lose contact?

I have never personnally experienced that kind of exclusion in the playground, but a friend of mine did with some mums when she moved house, and she is one of the most friendly, outgoing people I know. So don't take it too personally - perhaps they just don't realise you would like to be friends. Or maybe they are just not very nice

I can politely chat random shit to anyone, I have the confidence to start a convo with some random person, I have many friends.....but only a handful I would class as true friends, an outsider recently called us too clicky, we don't think we're too clicky, we're just going about our normal business. It doesnt mean we dont like the people that we dont know as well and it doesnt mean we dont want to be friendly with them, but it isnt our responsibility or fault if they dont have friends.

Why do people immediately jump to the conclusion that someone doesnt like them if they dont take up their offer of a cuppa? Thats my point about paranoia.

piscesmoon mentions boundaries.....everyone needs boundaries in place otherwise a happy healthy life is impossible.

The school gate is an alien world - particularly ours - maybe it's the same one?

I smile, occasionally pass some bland comment and, now its hot, count the number of tattoos.

Also concur with all the excellent advice on here which is to find friends through shared common interests YOU have, not through women who spawned about the same time you did.

I'm sorry you're in this position, it must be lonely for you. But I echo what the others say in that confronting people with: 'why don't you like me?' won't help.

If there is a reason they're not going to tell you and you'll alienate yourself even more.

It could just be that this lot are a cliquey stand offish group. But if you've never managed to make friends in other areas of your life: school, college, uni, work place then it does suggest there are issues with the way you conduct yourself or come across.

Have you previously been able to form friendships?

Mummy - I know others have said this, but to me they don't sound like people worth knowing so you won't be missing out on much.

I only have 1 good friend (sad but true). I believe the quality of friends is more important than the amount. True if you have a wide circle of friends there are more things to do but eventually you tire of people slagging off whichever member of the friend-circle is not present at that time and you start to wonder if they slag you off when you are not there.

My honest advice? Get a few good books, magazines, DVDs etc etc and enjoy your own company, just 'being' IYSWIM. You find friends when you least expect it and sometimes you get one that you just can't shake off no matter how many times you don't return their calls (sorry went off on a tangent there!!)

dont ask and next time your at the school gates-smile but remember your better than them and you dont need them.get out a bit more to clubs,new parks,take up a new hobby or voloutary work.im sure that in no time at all you'll have a packed diary of meetups!

where abouts are you?

BCNS is onto something. I have seen this friendly, breezy approach work well with different people.

If it's any comfort, I don't usually have problems finding people to make friends with, because I am a total tart in that sense, but even I have my moments of insecurity from time to time. It's best just to keep looking friendly and pleasant, and give it time, IMO.

I would go along with what some people have said about approaching individuals rather than groups, for example suggesting a joint swimming outing or offering to take someone else's kid to the cinema on a rainy Saturday morning, or something like that.

Katisha is right - the school gate mirrors the playground and can be childish.

You sound like a sensitive person which is a great quality but sometimes a burden. You should cherish this quality, think of what you would miss without it, but accept that others are perhaps less sensitive.

Most people are thinking and talking about themselves most of the time, that's just human, so don't imagine they are giving you or any of your imagined misgivings much thought.

If no-one from the school gate wants to come for coffee with you then take yourself for a coffee, a large cake and a good book/mag/paper and be thankful you are kinder than those who have upset you.

Confidence takes time and the school gate can send everyone back to a time when the terrors of fitting in were excrutiating and everything is heightened.

I once asked a trusted friend why me and my children seemed to be excluded from the usual things and she told me . It was excrutiating for both of us. I wouldn't recommend asking!

Dont ask them! You will still have to see them daily.

I think bright and breezy is good, also taking the leap and initiating contact, and not being put off with a few no or maybe answers.

There's lots of good advice here but I just wanted to say that I feel for you to and can empathise.

I have had enough good firends in the past to know that it's not necessarily 'me'. But, I moved to a new area about two years ago and despite being invovled in nursery life i can't say I have really 'made friends' with the vast majority. recently I've met one lovely woman and I consider her a friend. However, the vast majority are already in established 'groups' and have lived in the area for a good while. They have their circle and their coffee dates and I know that life is busy and often people don't mean to be excluding but just don't find time for anything/anyone extra. It takes effort and some people just don't have it in them when they already have plenty of conacts.
When I've spoken to others about how I've settled in (or not!) they have always said, 'Oh, wait 'till your son starts school - you'll meet lots of people then' So I'm open to that but also realise that the pattern may repeat itself! He starts in Septemebr so I'll tell you how I get on. Although, one helpful thing the school did was to encourage parents to send a spreadsheet around with their namens and contact numbers and emails so we could feel less isolated.
I would try to widen your social life a bit and move away from focussing on this very tight group. And try not to see it as a failure on your part that you haven't 'conquered' them. Life is bigger and broader and friendship, like love, often comes in the most unexpected places. Good luck and shrug it off if you can. x

Jellyrolly, do you mind me asking what her answer was? Was it trivial stuff or were you actually getting something very wrong?

I rang a friend last week who had neglected me for nearly ten years!! I asked her if I had put my foot in it somehow, and she said no, that various massive things had happened in her life, and she had to prune her social diary a lot and just strip it all back to a few local friends for the duration for her own sanity. I did understand actually, and it's not a huge problem, although I have missed her.