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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD got 5Bs in her SATS results and wants to celebrate, I don't

111 replies

DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 11:54

I don't want to make a fuss of govt introduced soon to be disbanded/contentious/not worth the paper it's written on/policies

Nor do I want to make a fuss because I have other dc who may not do well in exams.

But then again she thinks she worked hard and so should be rewarded.

Help please.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 02/07/2009 20:14

i was always high achiever at school and my parents never praised me, possibly because they thought i would get big headed
what it made me feel is that even when i excelled it was never good enough for them to appreciate me
i would feel reluctant to celebrate sats for the same reasons you state (stupid things) but she seems to feel the need of some appreciation! do give it to her

Tortington · 02/07/2009 20:17

celebrate you meanie

willowstar · 02/07/2009 20:19

any way you could combine celebrating her results with something else? any other family achievements, birthdays etc...? Just trying to think of ways to make it less costly in the long run if you can combine it somehow.

I was just sitting here thinking that we never celebrated doing well when I was at school, then it dawned on me that I didn't do well at school so maybe that is why!!! it is only when I left school I started to make the effort and only when I realised that to get anywhere in life i was going to have to. So yes, I think you should celebrate with her, sounds like she has learned an important life lesson about applying herself etc...

AitchTwoOh · 02/07/2009 20:20

but she suffered under the govt's stupid sat regime, if a parent feels that they were a bad idea, it was their responsibility to remove the child from the situation somehow. we don't have them in scotland, they're palpably a bad idea, but the OP's beef should be with the government, not her daughter. this is kinda making me depressed, tbh. i was a high achiever, i was praised a bit, more along the lines that virtue is it's own reward than a desire to prevent me from being big-headed or outstripping my younger sibs. i don't remember being devastated at the time, just a bit confused as to why no-one ever went the extra mile for me when i went it for them. but i do have a crystal clear memory of my father taking me for an ice-cream after i sat the entrance exam for my school, it meant the world to me to get that time with him and to hear him say that he was proud of me, whatever happened.

RedLentil · 02/07/2009 20:29

My mum saw it as a badge of honour not to praise school work. I remember when I got my GCSE results and she said, 'Well that's fine but now we're on to the A levels and you'll need to work hard.' She was delighted with herself for saying the right thing to keep me modest.

When I got a first she said, 'Oh great. Is that good then?'

I have a strong, happy relationship with her as it happens. But I find it impossible to take pleasure in my own achievements.

As to your daughter: why wouldn't she be MSN-ing if she finds the work easy? She would only need to slog if it was really tricky surely?

Maybe her insistence on the meal is a way of pushing for more praise than she has had at this point.

Talking to her about the cost can be handled in a way that shows you think of her as clever and responsible (even if she isn't there yet on being responsible).

Do please make sure she knows you think her achievements are a source of pleasure to you so that she can enjoy them too.

Pitchounette · 02/07/2009 20:33

Message withdrawn

bruffin · 02/07/2009 20:35

Also maybe being one of 5 children she just may want to feel special for once.

pointydog · 02/07/2009 20:55

lol @ stick to your gums

RustyBear · 02/07/2009 21:01

Just a thought about the 'didn't work hard for it' because she was on MSN all the time - that's irrelevant, because she shouldn't have to work hard at home for SATs - presumably she did work hard at school, which is where the work should be done.

If you can't afford the Indian restaurant, that's another issue, but if you think her siblings may not achieve academically, surely you can find some other way they achieve to celebrate.

procrastinatingparent · 02/07/2009 21:12

So this won't help you now, but we have a policy of having 'exam teas': special dinners at home at which the examinee gets to choose his or favourite meal to celebrate - but on the day of the exam itself, not when the results come out. This way they get recognised for the effort they have put in on the day, they get to feel special and it doesn't cost too much! (They usually choose pancakes, btw!)

Rachmumoftwo · 02/07/2009 21:25

Please don't ignore your daughter's achievements just because you don't believe in SATs. If you felt that strongly you should have withdrawn her. She has done really well and this deserves to be recognised.

Could you not cook an indian meal yourself?

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 02/07/2009 21:26
Hmm
geordieminx · 02/07/2009 21:30

I'm sure you could find a cheap indian buffet/business lunch type thing if you wanted. But there in lies the problem - you dont. Nice.

LupusinaLlamasuit · 02/07/2009 21:33

My mother tried not to praise me too much for fear of getting a big head. I think it is one (not the only one) of the things that have left me with a lasting sense of inadequacy my whole life that I am only recently able to respond to properly.

DidEinsteinsMum · 02/07/2009 21:36

Reward effort put in not results gained then it doesnt matter what result other dcs get as long as they put the effort in they get the reward. Could do something like a family trip to cinema where film choice is dds.

LupusinaLlamasuit · 02/07/2009 21:36

She did well without overt celebrations thus far. Perhaps she could achieve even more with your appreciation, some hard work?

BCNS · 02/07/2009 21:40

why is acheivement in this country ( sweeping generalization here I know) not recognised..

she did well.. it doesn't matter how she got there.

anyway If you celebrate "the end of sats" or sats result day.. it wouldn't matter how the other dc's do.. or in fact if she worked for it.. it could just be a mark in the passing of time.. and if the get rid of sats.. you could move it to an end of year 6 celebration.

I understand about the indian.. and to insist and nothing else will do.. is a bit ott.
so why not invite some of her friends over, bake a cake and throw some cheap sausages on the BBQ.. and they can all celebrate ... it'll be great fun, all can join in.. and it will be a nice but cheap way of marking the occasion.

Original poster
DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 21:57

Thank you very much for your insights and advice, every one taken on board.

Had a chat with dh about it, he thinks it would be good for us all to celebrate (also to take mind off current troubles which admittedly has nothing to do with dd). So one of us will go out and get a takeaway, bring it back and have it here where I then can surreptitiously add to the fayre by cooking up the rice and getting the extras from a supermarket.

She has done exceptionally well and the depth of feeling here makes me a bit embarrassed tbh for trying to subdue it, actually I've been more worried about what people would think but in a way scoring an own goal.

She is a lovely girl and I'm desperate not to spoil her but in this case I admit I have probably been too harsh as like most young girls her age she is not overly confident.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 02/07/2009 21:59

'oh BOLLOCKS to the idea that you shouldn't celebrate your child's achievement because the others might not be so bright. absolute BOLLOCKS.

Hear, hear!! I never promise a reward as a 'carrot' but I think that a good result deserves a celebration. Even if she didn't put in much effort she is very bright.You can't compare DCs and withhold praise because one is clever than another. I have 3 DCs, with very different abilities, I celebrate with each-I don't do any levelling down-that is a sure way to spoil their relationship. I would make a huge fuss of her!
Even at my age, my mother is one of the first people I phone if I have had success, and I expect her to be enthusiastic and celebrate. She hasn't let me down yet!

piscesmoon · 02/07/2009 22:01

I crossed posts. Glad you have taken it on board-I'm not surprised that she isn't overly confident if you have to think twice about praise when it is due!

AitchTwoOh · 02/07/2009 22:37

great idea about the takeaway and supermarket sundries. you can make some dal for pennies too, likewise a cucumber and yoghurt dip. (in fact if you're not scared of the deep fryer then pakora is a doddle to make and much nicer freshly done).

Original poster
DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 22:41

Have not got a deepfryer but interested in a dal recipe?

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 02/07/2009 23:00

you don't even need a deep fryer, really, just a wok and a slotted spoon. and nerves of steel. (am a total coward with hot oil but have made pakora with considerable success when feeling brave).

AitchTwoOh · 02/07/2009 23:04

www.natco-online.com/acatalog/tarka_dal_recipe.html mine is quite like this one, although what asafoetida is i do not know.

LupusinaLlamasuit · 02/07/2009 23:05

It is a very good spice used in tiny quantities to help you fart gas the excess produced by spices, onions etc. Tastes of fuck all, but used a lot in South Asian cooking