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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD got 5Bs in her SATS results and wants to celebrate, I don't

111 replies

DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 11:54

I don't want to make a fuss of govt introduced soon to be disbanded/contentious/not worth the paper it's written on/policies

Nor do I want to make a fuss because I have other dc who may not do well in exams.

But then again she thinks she worked hard and so should be rewarded.

Help please.

OP posts:
pranma · 02/07/2009 17:17

sorry should be 'so' and 'unfashionable' I wish there was an 'edit' button!

snorkle · 02/07/2009 17:27

If you celebrate SATs this year, are you definitely setting a precedent for the rest & setting yourself up to getting your arm twisted to celebrating every end of year exam session right though senior school.

I thought from the tone of your earlier posts that she may not have worked as hard as she was claiming. I reckon some of her friends are getting rewards & she's trying it on. I see no point in rewarding achievement if she hasn't worked for it - it's not like anyone can help how naturally clever they are and if it will strain the family finances all the more reason not too.

I still think a more moderate family celebration of the end of the school year could be a good thing.

posiedullardparker · 02/07/2009 17:32

You should reward hard work, not just results this way effort is the key.

mumblechum · 02/07/2009 17:32

Why not just buy her a small gift? DS got good KS3 Sats results last month and I bought him a PS3 game which he was v. chuffed with & wasn't expecting a gift.

DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 17:35

She has set her heart on going out for an Indian, nothing else will do

OP posts:
seeker · 02/07/2009 17:38

Families are so different on this sort of thing - we celebrate everything! We go out to breakfast on the Saturday after any even remotely congratulatable school event (method to my madness - hot chocolate and a croissant the cheapest available meal out!)

Acinonyx · 02/07/2009 17:39

I like that idea seeker - I may use that later.

pointydog · 02/07/2009 17:41

some celebrations can be small, like getting a comic or a sweet, It doesn';t have to be anything big

snorkle · 02/07/2009 17:41

Does she appreciate how expensive that is for 7? Chat to her about the cost issue, the precedent, being fair to her siblings and that although you are very proud that she has done so well, she did NOT in fact work as hard as she is claiming and that she will in fact reap the benefits of being so bright in later life. Then propose whatever you feel is appropriate and affordable as a celebration.

nellie12 · 02/07/2009 17:46

I think hard work should be rewarded and achievement it is incentivising (sic)for the next time and also for the younger dcs. It does sound as though she is naturally bright and it might be unfair not to reward her just because she didn't have to work as hard as you thought she should.

Having said that a reward shouldn't be about to bankrupt the family finances and should be in keeping with the achievement. So I would be renegotiating the reward and levelling with her over the problems you and dh are facing.

Now if she didnt appreciate that and still had heart set on indian I would have no problem saying no - but that might be a whole new thread

DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 17:51

I don't want them to get big headed about coming first and obnoxious with it

OP posts:
seeker · 02/07/2009 17:55

It'a not about coming first, though is it? It's about getting level 5s, which is very good.

TheFallenMadonna · 02/07/2009 17:57

Celebrate? Of course. Reward is a bit different and you shouldn't be doing something you can't afford IMO. We had great celebrations at home for everything. I only got a material reward (a family meal out) after my A level results came out.

But you should be chuffed, and you should be telling her so, I think.

DollopofClottedCream · 02/07/2009 17:58

I should have added dd often comes first in whatever she does and is a popular girl I think precisely because we don't beef up all her successes (she gets enough accolade from her peer group/ teachers etc)

We are pleased for her I think it's enough. But you're right, I'm sure many will think we are awful if we don't take her to the Indian.

OP posts:
nellie12 · 02/07/2009 18:01

no you dont want them big headed but you dont want them to think "whats the point?" either some people do need incentives to work hard. I dont think a reward that is in keeping with the achievement would do that. Tbh I don't set much store by sats either and think of them as more like an end of year report. So for that reason I would think going out for an indian a bit excessive. I would be more inclined to get a takeaway or give extra pocket money that week

pointydog · 02/07/2009 18:01

I would doubt that you not beefing up successes has made her popular.

bleh · 02/07/2009 18:11

I agree with the suggestion of maybe one of you taking her out, or else sitting her down and explaining to her why you can't all go out, but let her choose an alternative celebration? It is good to celebrate good times, and it may (considering what is happening with your family ATM) to have a little celebration at home; enjoy the good times as a brief respite from all the crap.

It could turn into a problem if you didn't celebrate the other DCs achievements, but presumably when they do well (either in something they're good at or something they struggle with) you celebrate that too? And, although she may get support from friends and teachers, it cannot really compare to having the support of your own family.

alarkaspree · 02/07/2009 18:27

I can see where you're coming from OP but I think celebrating academic achievement is worthwhile. Even if she didn't have to work very hard for these results she needs to get the message that you are proud of her, maybe then she will work hard when she needs to? I did well in my GCSEs without working hard, but I would have been extremely cross if my parents had told me that they thought I hadn't worked hard and didn't deserve to celebrate.

On the other hand it's completely unreasonable for her to insist on a celebration that will strain the family finances. I think a special meal at home that she chooses is much more appropriate.

edam · 02/07/2009 18:39

You do sound rather grudging. Poor dd - it's miserable when your own parents don't appreciate you.

bigTillyMint · 02/07/2009 18:45

I can see where you're coming from, Dollop - it's not the same as working hard for GCSE's when it's a test that only serves government purposes and does not benefit the child.

Also, what would you do for a child who got 4's or 3's? Would they be entitled to celebrate?

Maybe you could make it a celebration of her finishing Primary school successfully?

bigTillyMint · 02/07/2009 18:46

Just seen that she wants to go out for an Indian (great choice!) Do your local curry houses do the buffet option on a Sunday? Much cheaper and loads of choice!

amidaiwish · 02/07/2009 18:52

my immediate reaction on reading the OP was you should celebrate and take her out.
However she is asking for something that you can't afford, for 7 people that is going to be at least £100. at least.

so, tell her that. suggest an alternative, if she doesn't want to then leave it.

it is her first big set of "tests" and a "very well done, we are proud of you" should be enough. Tell her when she gets straight As in her GCSEs you'll all go for the Indian meal!

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 02/07/2009 18:59

When I was in Year 9, I came head and shoulders above the whole year in our exams, can't recall working especially hard for it, but I think I did do some revision.

Come Prizegiving time, several people were summonsed to the head of year's office to be told they could choose a book to be given on the night for 'achievement.' Guess who wasn't chosen?

I was genuinely astonished, then humiliated, then depressed and disheartened. Even people who didn't like me were saying, 'Why aren't you getting a prize?'

I cried and cried at home - not in front of my mum; we didn't do cuddles and comfort - and she made sympathetic noises but did nothing. Nor was there any family celebration to make up for it.

The message I got was that I was invisible, and it didn't made any difference how well I did - I would always be ignored in favour of the pretty girls.

In fact, the same thing happened the next year, but by then I was hardened to it.

The point here, I think, is that sports people who achieve aren't told 'well, it's easy for you, you don't deserve a prize' - that would be ridiculous and obviously unfair to the outstanding sportsman.

I don't see the difference with a naturally clever child - and, by the way, any problems your DH is having with his business shouldn't have a bearing on this. Not to say you should get in to debt over it, of course, but either this is worth celebrating or not, regardless of the adults' problems.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 02/07/2009 19:01

Btw, I do agree that £100 for an Indian meal is unreasonable if that strains your finances.

AitchTwoOh · 02/07/2009 20:06

oh BOLLOCKS to the idea that you shouldn't celebrate your child's achievement because the others might not be so bright. absolute BOLLOCKS.

you do sound grudging, edam's right. i hate all this business of keeping kids from getting big-headed. she's done well, the poor kid, she should be congratulated. i don't get the impression she's even getting that, you're too busy mingeing on about the expense of going out together. pull yourself together, dollop, and make a decision. if that's a family picnic by the beach, great. if it's a takeaway, great. if it's a meal out with you or her father, great. but stop trying to take this away from her, she's done well and she's a good kids. i bet it's got fuck all to do with the fact that you don't celebrate her achievements.