To be annoyed with xDP for taking off the condom

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

ok, I have been single for a long time but have still regularly sleeping with xDP, we have never used condoms and we had a condition that if we slept with anybody else unprotected we would tell each other and start using condoms.

Recently I ended up have unprotected sex and told xDP about this and he came over last night and we ended up getting together, we used condoms but when he was taking me from behind he took off the condom.

Then I got annoyed with him for being so stupid, I was still annoyed at myself for being so stupid, and was lecturing him about STDs and had a go at him and he said it wasn't all his fault, which I felt very about because I still love him and wanted to wear a condom because I didn't want to risk passing anything on.

so, AIBU to be annoyed at him?
And is he BU to think that it is partly my fault when I didn't even want him to have unprotected sex with me?

2rebecca, in the OPs case the "protection" required is from STD's, not pregnancy.

I think YABU to sleep with anyone new without a condom and also it is not very healthy to have your EX as your shag buddy.

I now realise that, but in general usage the term "unprotected sex" refers to sex without contraception, so I think the thread title was misleading.

I think I might have got rid of XP for good, I hope so, he went home today and I don't think he will be coming back, I had a go at him and told him that what he did was out of order and disrespected me, and he just turns around and says nasty things bout me being easy because of the time it took for me to get with the other guy, I honestly thought this guy liked me and wanted to be with me

He threw some money at me and insinutated, didnt actually say, but practically did, that it was for the sex.

He has told me that he nevber wants to speak to me again, even to talk about the DC.

He came out with us today to see the DC and have a day with them, he spoilt the whole day by making snide comments and just moaning the whole time, i was looking at all the other familys on the park and they were all laughing, chatting, giggling and playing.

I looked at mine and he was just moaning, having a go at DC for anything, sitting and sulking, shouting at dc for wanting to play further away, even though we were in an enclosed park.

I don't know why i still sleep with him, i have tried to get him out of my life so many times but as soon as i start to get over him he needs my support and i end up falling for him again, or he just starts talking to me, then i wear my rose tinted glasses looking back at how good things were, in reality, there weren't many good times, but at least I wasn't lonely past DCs bedtime.

I end up having to lie to all my family and all the professionals involved becuse they are trying to help me an i dont want them to think that i am betraying them, because i am.

He has walked out on me so many times and hurt us all in every way he could, why cant i stop loving him?

I sit here crying for the life i could have given my dc, one with a loving father who would do anything for him, when really he doesnt usually want to come over unless he can get his dick wet at the same time.

I have spoken about this so many times on MN, and am always given great advice, bt as soon as he is there my heart melts and i just want to be in his arms again.

I think i am a lost cause, doomed to a life of unhappiness and abuse.

What is ironic though is when i have been speaking to guys online, i hve vetted them very closly and have refused to even have a date if i get even the slightest whiff of controllingness or abusiveness, so why cn't i do the same about xDP?

You are not a lost cause, doomed to unhappiness! Stop that right now! You made a mistake but you've realised it. We've all been with horrible men - you're just massively unlucky that you've had your DC with one so you still have to have him in your life.

You have been really strong and told him to sod off. Now you can work on putting your self-esteem back together. But you know, I would steer clear of other relationships for the timebeing - work on building friendships and a network of people who you trust and can rely on. You're not in a good place I don't think to be in a relationship - dodgy men can smell women with esteem issues a mile off.

Good luck and sorry if I upset you with my posts earlier - I wasn't clear on the background.

Thank you, he is bombarding me with texts tonight, saying that i have never loved him and never cared about him, he couldn't be further from the truth and part of me wants to tell him that but I know i will just be scratching the wound, best to just ride it out.

I have got in contact with an old friend from before xDP and we are going to meet up, she will help take my mind off him and it will be good to actually say this stuff out loud, i seem to spend most of my life in my head.

I know that i would be bad in a relationship right now, especially as I have just had a mental disorder diagnosed and and learning to cope with that (but thats a different thread under a different name) but i guess i had been looking for one because i ewanted to get over xDP before he finds someone else and i end up pining after someone i can't have.

Childish i know, but that is what i feel inside, wish i could change it.

the last thing you need is a relationship. Just enjoy being on your own.

...and don't reply to those texts. Be strong!

The problem with any arrangement like this- telling each other if you have had sex with anyone else- is that it is impossible to know if either of you is telling the truth. This is how STDs spread.

You appear to have a big emotional investment in him even though he is your ex. The odds are he might not tell you if he had had unprotected sex. Just like you didn't tell him.

The sex and the use of or not use of condoms is not really the issue- except you both might catch something nasty; what is the issue is that you have an attachment to him. Does he feel the same about you, or is he happy to just have easy sex when you invite him to?

Hope whatever is going on you are using another method of contraception as well.

I know he doesn' respect me, i don't know why i hzve put up with it so long, he is always speaking to me like you would talk to a bit of shit on your shoe, and i always ask him not to speak to me like that, he says it's how he talks but he doesn't talk to anyone else like that.

He always takes things out on me, whether i would have done anything to prevent whatever he is annoyed about or not, will never apologise, and even if i do get to get him to apaologise it is reluctantly and forced, and he always makes it as insincere as possible.

I have been hiding the fact i have been seeing him for a long time and he keeps trying to blackmail me by saying he will tell everyine he has been coming and staying over. now i feel as though he has that to hold over me, he used it earlier. and i bet he will use it again.

I know all the advice i get from MN is great but i have such bad self control, i even want him now(as pathetic as that is), instead i am at home on my own wit the laptop in bed. in silence.

I know how frustrating it is when you can see someone with someone who treats them like shit, you just want to slap them around tha face and get them to see the light, so why cant i see it?
For some reason i just cant take my own advice.

I wish i could just deleted all his numbers and never speak to hijm again, but i know all his details off by heart and in the past when i have deleted them i have just given in and still text him.
i really wish i never met him (except for having my dc)

and MMW i did tell him i had unprotected sex tht is why i was angry at him for taking the condom off.

You are right Dittany, if i tell everyone involved first then he cant hold it over me.

BTW, he doesn't blackmail me all the time with it, just when i have told him i don't want to see him or say something he doesn't like.

MrsJammi, I have had about 5 new numbers this year I just keep giving it to him in my moments of weakness

[very sorry for hijack]

Hello MrsJammi! I'm very inspired by :

"You can rebuild your life, I have, twice, and my life is so much better now than I ever could have imagined it to be, I have been at the bottom and believe me the only way from their is back up again"

I am also at the bottom and desperately in need of help to get back up again.
If you can help me please email me, [email protected]

Grrrrrrrrr, i hope you eventually find the strength to right things in your life.

Good advice from Dittany

Tell eveyone yourself what has been going on
He has nothing to hold over you then, only your willingness to fall for his shite

But that is under your control. Yes, really!

Cold turkey is th only way. You have tried keeping a bit of distance, tried keeping a bit of your self back. It isn't working and is fucking with your head.

Be warned, he will step up the harassment when he realises that this time you really mean what you say. He hasn't had to deal with that before as he knows previously that you have been weak. You will have to be really strong.

No one man should have this level of influence over you. He is just a man, a pitiful fuckwit of a man who can only keep you by mind-fucking you, let him go and find your true self again.

Not this weak and used woman that you are now.

Professionals involved? Would that be Social Services? Don't lie to them any longer. Be open about the fact that you have been seeing him and accept help to stop. If it comes out later (which it will) it will look worse for you.
Believe me, it's not worth lying. It's also not worth seeing him if it will, in any way, risk your children.

(of course I could be barking up the wrong tree in which case ignore)

I have so nearly got rid of him before, i felt over him nd felt happy on my own and actually prefered not having to keep the house to ridicluously high standards, I thought he was moving on too and I had started speaking to this guy, nothing was going on but we were talking a lot and i was starting to like him, somehow xDP found out about it and started emailing me how upset he was over losing me, he had never really shown me any affection when we were together, only hatred and anger, occasionally when i had dumped him he would say a couple of nice things, like the first time he told me i was beuatiful, he had never before that paid me any compliments and i thught it was the start of something new.

Turns out it was a one off, so have all the other things he has said or promised to get me back.

I need to delete his number, luckily he has just changed it so i don't know it by heart yet, and i have asked him to delete mine and email me if he needs to talk about the DC.

I know its stupid but i keep worrying about what if he needs me at all

SS have been involved but have now taken a step back because they are happy with my parenting, were only involved in the first place because of xDP.

It's amazing what women will put up with to feel 'needed'. He doesn't 'need' you. Your children need you. He wants to have you on tap for a fuck and an emotional punchbag. Let him go - just do it. He's a horrible person, he's not worthy of you.

In that case you know what to do. You are a great mum I'm sure but letting him into your lives is compromising that.

I had let him back into my lives feeling safe because if was to ever lay a finger on me again he would go straight to prison, but I realise now that just because he doesn't hurt me physically doesn't mean he isn't damaging me.

I haven't had a text back since i asked him to delete my number... hopefully that means he has followed my wishes.

He was texting me last night that he was afraid what would happen if he can't get hold of me, i don't know why i always put his emoticonal wellbeing above mine, it's stupid and it's going to stop.

He has text me back saying he feels very 'deflated' and that he assumes I will tell him about ny guys i meet (he liked to know whoever i was talking to, if i met them and, well anything that happened, when i slept with this other guy he quized me on it, did i come, where did we do it, how many times have we done it, did i enjoy it, will i be doing it again, was the DC around when we did it, what we did on each date. It was tiring because he wanted to know every detail, and i suspect that it will be the same if I had spoke to him about someone else.

He made me feel really bad about having fun, even though he goes out every night with his friends whilst I stay in and look after the DC, sometimes i resent him for that but wouldn't change it for the world because it would mean I wouldnt have my DC.