To be annoyed with xDP for taking off the condom

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

ok, I have been single for a long time but have still regularly sleeping with xDP, we have never used condoms and we had a condition that if we slept with anybody else unprotected we would tell each other and start using condoms.

Recently I ended up have unprotected sex and told xDP about this and he came over last night and we ended up getting together, we used condoms but when he was taking me from behind he took off the condom.

Then I got annoyed with him for being so stupid, I was still annoyed at myself for being so stupid, and was lecturing him about STDs and had a go at him and he said it wasn't all his fault, which I felt very about because I still love him and wanted to wear a condom because I didn't want to risk passing anything on.

so, AIBU to be annoyed at him?
And is he BU to think that it is partly my fault when I didn't even want him to have unprotected sex with me?

[duchesse]

Grrrrrr- He is a SHIT, he will never change because men like him don't. The only thing you can do is protect yourself from him by finally breaking away from him. Please recognise that he is more dangerous to you at the moment (emotionally at the very least)than any outside agency can possibly be- use them to help you break free from him. Call the police if comes to your house angry, and fgs do not let him in if he comes in a bad mood. Personally I would tell him to fck off for good and stick to it. That's the only* way you will ever get rid of him- ignore all texts, take the advice of others on here re phones etc, and start to get your own life.

My sister's bastard ex has now smashed her rear car window three times in a year (every time she refuses some demand of other), having given up on ever being able to control her again, but she has finally got the better of him. It has taken her 4 years though to get to this stage, and a huge amount of strength and resolve she never thought she had four years ago.

You too have that strength and resolve and you certainly deserve better than this arsehole.

[Gingerly]

tmi

[2rebecca]

Just delete the texts without reading them and ignore the bloke. Let him find someone else. You need to make your mind up as to whether you want this bloke in your life or not. If you don't then put your phone on silent so the texts don't disturb you and delete them without reading them and stop thinking about him.
He sounds childish and tiresome.

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

He hs upped the pace and is now texting my every few mins, nd ws yesterdy, i hve asked him a few times to delete my number, but he sys he will then i still end up with texts

I m on payG but hve pid for my texts and clls for next month and don't want to (and can't relly afford to) just waste them, i wonder if i can just change my number

he is trying lots of different ngles, from telling me if i loved him i wouldn't do this, that i hve never loved him, that i hve used him, that he is going to find someone else to use him, telling me if i don't come back he will go off with someone else, i m tired of it.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

He is very controlling and there are still signs of you defending him in this thread. You have to make a decision to stop seeing him, not just becuase someone else tells you to or because you should but because you want to, there is a difference and this is probably why you have had him back the other times.

You need some RL help to keep strong.

You can do it.

[Dior]

You don't have to tell him anything about any new men. You have split. He is controlling you again. The best thing you can do is only contact him about the children and change the subject if he asks about your life.

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

He has text me back saying he feels very 'deflated' and that he assumes I will tell him about ny guys i meet (he liked to know whoever i was talking to, if i met them and, well anything that happened, when i slept with this other guy he quized me on it, did i come, where did we do it, how many times have we done it, did i enjoy it, will i be doing it again, was the DC around when we did it, what we did on each date. It was tiring because he wanted to know every detail, and i suspect that it will be the same if I had spoke to him about someone else.

He made me feel really bad about having fun, even though he goes out every night with his friends whilst I stay in and look after the DC, sometimes i resent him for that but wouldn't change it for the world because it would mean I wouldnt have my DC.

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I had let him back into my lives feeling safe because if was to ever lay a finger on me again he would go straight to prison, but I realise now that just because he doesn't hurt me physically doesn't mean he isn't damaging me.

I haven't had a text back since i asked him to delete my number... hopefully that means he has followed my wishes.

He was texting me last night that he was afraid what would happen if he can't get hold of me, i don't know why i always put his emoticonal wellbeing above mine, it's stupid and it's going to stop.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

In that case you know what to do. You are a great mum I'm sure but letting him into your lives is compromising that.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

It's amazing what women will put up with to feel 'needed'. He doesn't 'need' you. Your children need you. He wants to have you on tap for a fuck and an emotional punchbag. Let him go - just do it. He's a horrible person, he's not worthy of you.

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

SS have been involved but have now taken a step back because they are happy with my parenting, were only involved in the first place because of xDP.

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I have so nearly got rid of him before, i felt over him nd felt happy on my own and actually prefered not having to keep the house to ridicluously high standards, I thought he was moving on too and I had started speaking to this guy, nothing was going on but we were talking a lot and i was starting to like him, somehow xDP found out about it and started emailing me how upset he was over losing me, he had never really shown me any affection when we were together, only hatred and anger, occasionally when i had dumped him he would say a couple of nice things, like the first time he told me i was beuatiful, he had never before that paid me any compliments and i thught it was the start of something new.

Turns out it was a one off, so have all the other things he has said or promised to get me back.

I need to delete his number, luckily he has just changed it so i don't know it by heart yet, and i have asked him to delete mine and email me if he needs to talk about the DC.

I know its stupid but i keep worrying about what if he needs me at all

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Professionals involved? Would that be Social Services? Don't lie to them any longer. Be open about the fact that you have been seeing him and accept help to stop. If it comes out later (which it will) it will look worse for you.
Believe me, it's not worth lying. It's also not worth seeing him if it will, in any way, risk your children.

(of course I could be barking up the wrong tree in which case ignore)

[AnyFucker]

Good advice from Dittany

Tell eveyone yourself what has been going on
He has nothing to hold over you then, only your willingness to fall for his shite

But that is under your control. Yes, really!

Cold turkey is th only way. You have tried keeping a bit of distance, tried keeping a bit of your self back. It isn't working and is fucking with your head.

Be warned, he will step up the harassment when he realises that this time you really mean what you say. He hasn't had to deal with that before as he knows previously that you have been weak. You will have to be really strong.

No one man should have this level of influence over you. He is just a man, a pitiful fuckwit of a man who can only keep you by mind-fucking you, let him go and find your true self again.

Not this weak and used woman that you are now.

[DesperateExWife]

[very sorry for hijack]

Hello MrsJammi! I'm very inspired by :

"You can rebuild your life, I have, twice, and my life is so much better now than I ever could have imagined it to be, I have been at the bottom and believe me the only way from their is back up again"

I am also at the bottom and desperately in need of help to get back up again.
If you can help me please email me, [email protected]

Grrrrrrrrr, i hope you eventually find the strength to right things in your life.

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

You are right Dittany, if i tell everyone involved first then he cant hold it over me.

BTW, he doesn't blackmail me all the time with it, just when i have told him i don't want to see him or say something he doesn't like.

MrsJammi, I have had about 5 new numbers this year I just keep giving it to him in my moments of weakness

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I know he doesn' respect me, i don't know why i hzve put up with it so long, he is always speaking to me like you would talk to a bit of shit on your shoe, and i always ask him not to speak to me like that, he says it's how he talks but he doesn't talk to anyone else like that.

He always takes things out on me, whether i would have done anything to prevent whatever he is annoyed about or not, will never apologise, and even if i do get to get him to apaologise it is reluctantly and forced, and he always makes it as insincere as possible.

I have been hiding the fact i have been seeing him for a long time and he keeps trying to blackmail me by saying he will tell everyine he has been coming and staying over. now i feel as though he has that to hold over me, he used it earlier. and i bet he will use it again.

I know all the advice i get from MN is great but i have such bad self control, i even want him now(as pathetic as that is), instead i am at home on my own wit the laptop in bed. in silence.

I know how frustrating it is when you can see someone with someone who treats them like shit, you just want to slap them around tha face and get them to see the light, so why cant i see it?
For some reason i just cant take my own advice.

I wish i could just deleted all his numbers and never speak to hijm again, but i know all his details off by heart and in the past when i have deleted them i have just given in and still text him.
i really wish i never met him (except for having my dc)

and MMW i did tell him i had unprotected sex tht is why i was angry at him for taking the condom off.

[mrsmerryweather]

The problem with any arrangement like this- telling each other if you have had sex with anyone else- is that it is impossible to know if either of you is telling the truth. This is how STDs spread.

You appear to have a big emotional investment in him even though he is your ex. The odds are he might not tell you if he had had unprotected sex. Just like you didn't tell him.

The sex and the use of or not use of condoms is not really the issue- except you both might catch something nasty; what is the issue is that you have an attachment to him. Does he feel the same about you, or is he happy to just have easy sex when you invite him to?

Hope whatever is going on you are using another method of contraception as well.

[Nancy66]

the last thing you need is a relationship. Just enjoy being on your own.

...and don't reply to those texts. Be strong!

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

Thank you, he is bombarding me with texts tonight, saying that i have never loved him and never cared about him, he couldn't be further from the truth and part of me wants to tell him that but I know i will just be scratching the wound, best to just ride it out.

I have got in contact with an old friend from before xDP and we are going to meet up, she will help take my mind off him and it will be good to actually say this stuff out loud, i seem to spend most of my life in my head.

I know that i would be bad in a relationship right now, especially as I have just had a mental disorder diagnosed and and learning to cope with that (but thats a different thread under a different name) but i guess i had been looking for one because i ewanted to get over xDP before he finds someone else and i end up pining after someone i can't have.

Childish i know, but that is what i feel inside, wish i could change it.