Probably, but he threw my dinner in the bin!

[Washersaurus]

So, DH has been in a crappy mood today (well he is most days tbh). He cooked tea for us all earlier, but just as he served it up I realised my period had started. I dashed upstairs to sort myself out and he called me, I said I'd only be a min. He got cross and stood at the bottom of the stairs - I stood at the top in my pants and said that I would not shout downstairs what I was doing, I would only be a second. He shouted back that he had thrown my dinner in the bin.

I walked out.

DS2 still has bedtime milk from me, I feel guilty for him, I shouldn't have left him really, but honestly I can't deal with that sort of behaviour.

I have just got back from a family party that I otherwise wouldn't have attended, and have eaten some toast.

Was I wrong to walk out?

Am I brave enough for your replies?

He didn't actually throw your dinner away though did he, and you stormed out the house for the night didn't you?

And now he's saying he doesn't want to go camping? Would you if the roles were reversed?

i don't want to sound horrid to you but i think your both not communicating well with each other i don't agree with his actions but me and dp have just gone through horrid phase like this

you really need to get to root of problem i know you say you didnt want to shout down stairs on period but you could have said ladies problems be with you in a min in a whisper but it sounds like your discussion in the morning left you both awkward around each other and acting out

i have threatened to throw dinner away to hurry my moody partner up who was refusing to talk to me and not coming to eat dinner id prepared

not saying again he was right to do this but i think we have all said things out of anger to each other and you walked straight out instead of facing problem

again not saying your in the wrong but i feel you were both reacting childish as for pulling someone up on parenting you really do have to leave them to parent how they feel best no way is the right way and they deserve to be able to parent how they see best as long as he wasn't physically hurting ds a bit of sternness from dp wont do any harm ive learnt to step back it doesnt damage ds to not have softy approach all the time and he always does as his told with dp

maybe you need to seek some counselling it sounds like more is going on than really being said a lot of resentment between you both and not much communication

do you get much time together to go on date and do fun things? maybe try and get some time out together and relax if your fighting a lot maybe he doesn't want to fight on holiday men always blame the other but it sounds like you both need to sit down and talk calmly about what's really going on neither of you sound happy and actions are becoming childish

for your boys sake it needs to be sorted so you can all enjoy a family holiday together communicate instead of griping and walking out good luck

i hope you don't take it the wrong way but reading post it sound childish on both sides like point scoring and not pulling together as a team

i have to slightly agree with above posts if it was other way round and dp walked out how would you feel

i think calling one person names etc isn't really going to solve the problem it takes two to fight and two to work it out and walking away and blaming each other isn't getting to the real problem

you need to sit and talk find out why its at the point it is now and see if you can work things out so you can both enjoy your holiday together if you both still want to be with each other

i also agree with not pulling up on parenting techniques its not wrong to parent differently and will do kids good to have stronger approach at times as us mums can be soft

i really hope you can work it out without too much more resentment getting in the way

Oh well very different opinions this morning.

Well just to clarify, last night was the first time ever I have left DH to look after the boys - I was gone for around 4 hours max. Usually he just offs to the pub for the evening expecting me to stay in and look after the boys.

I commented on his parenting because he gets angry, yesterday morning he was being (I think unnecessarily) rough with DS1, forcefully putting his clothes on him and shouting at him. I told him to calm down and leave me to sort it as I find him scary enough when he's like that, never mind a nearly 4yo!

I don't have any money, we are skint. What money there was in the joint account he has withdrawn and keeps in his pocket. I would love to just go with the boys on holiday anyway but there is no way.

Yes, our relationship isn't very good. We have communication issues. I make him feel very angry.

you both sound very unhappy and need to look into how or if you want to sort things out

OK it sounds like he blames you for making him angry, unfortunately it doesn't work like that. You say you're scared when he manhandles your child, I'm not surprised! Is it just communication issues? It's hard to communicate with men like this, through no fault of your own. It's not your fault he gets angry, he chooses to act like this. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him? Does he talk to you disrespectfully a lot of the time? Is he nice sometimes?

It's not coming out right. Dittany where are you?

Ask him why he's cancelling his kids holiday?

I'm with you junglist.

OP - this was a wake up call for me six years ago - does it ring any bells for you?

Well I only reacted to a snapshot in time.

If you feel bullied and debased in your relationship constantly and you are scared of your husband then that is not healthy for you or your children. So you need to consider what you're going to do about it I suppose.

I just didn't want to jump on the bandwagon of 'bully' and 'leave him'.

You do not 'make him feel very angry' by the way. That's a terrible sentence to say and to read and is indicative of an unhealthy relationship.

So what are you going to do about it?

Hmmm, I know I've said this before, but I don't think I'd class him as abusive. I think we probably just wind each other up. I don't really feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him and I do stand up for myself.

There hasn't been sniping for weeks as one poster assumed, we both get tired (DS2 doesn't like sleep - very early riser)

I have explained what I was doing upstairs just as he was serving up dinner last night (which he didn't give me the opportunity to do yesterday) and that how him telling me he had thrown my dinner in the bin upset me. I asked him how he would feel. He is more interested in demanding to know where I went.

I stick up for myself, and really give as good as I get. The stereotype of an abused woman is a Little Mo type, that's not me at all!! But I'm still nervous of him sometimes, the nervousness comes out in aggression. I wouldn't dream of belittling you,I hope I'm not sounding like I don't think you know your own mind, but I think he's showing abusive behaviours.

longtalljosie - was NOT a dig at servicemen/families in general - I have known 2 or 3 men, one whom I had the misfortune to be associated with for 6m, who behaved exactly like this with the mindfuck stuff - I'm not saying it's exclusive to them of course, just wondered if it was another factor.

Its this that worries me the most:

"I don't have any money, we are skint. What money there was in the joint account he has withdrawn and keeps in his pocket"

You get child benefit paid to you? CTC?

If anyone knows the list of warning signs can they put the link up please? I can only remember mind games, questionning about where you've been and financial control.

Washer- am I correct in saying you have previously namechanged to talk about him and what he has done to you?
He is controlling you, and the money thing is v worrying.
Am I right in saying his profession means that you are not confident of seeking help in the usual channels?
Cancelling the childrens' holiday is just vindictive.
I am sorry you are living like this

I'd like to clarify something - you say you make him angry. That's not true. He gets angry at you. His choice, not yours. The man sounds controlling and manipulative - binning your dinner, putting family money in his pocket, and you need to ask yourself how you can either make this relationship one that you're happy to stay in, or what you're willing to do to have a happy life. Because it certainly doesn't sound like it's a happy existence from what I'm reading.

Your children deserve to feel safe in the knowledge that their mother is not afraid of their father, and that their parents are a team.

Plan the life that will enable you and your children to thrive. If that means you working through your problems with dh, all well and good, but if not, follow the path that enables you to achieve this goal.

You have two choices, and putting up with crap is not one of them:

1. Fix it

1. Get out

Good luck.

EachPeach - thankfully I am not who you are thinking of. Although I have posted before, possibly as a name change, when I was feeling worried about DH and his anger. It comes and goes, mostly we are OK.

The financial thing is my fault really, I gave up work to look after DS1 and then when I planned to return for financial reasons I discovered I was pregnant with DS2. My bank account was left overdrawn and has subsequently being closed. The child benefit goes into the joint account - that is the money he withdrew the other day. I only happened to have the train fare to get to my sister's house in my pocket as he gave me £5 earlier to buy ice creams for the boys.

I am looking to return to work now but am concerned this will just cause more stress for DH. He seems to concentrate on only the extra income, not the additional work involved.

I would like to feel more like part of team and I have said this to DH before, but we just don't seem able to communicate without blaming etc. Everything I say is taken as criticism; maybe its the way I say things?

Thank you all for your replies. I do think I probably was unreasonable to walk out, as the boys were upset, but if I hadn't gone out there probably would have been an argument anyway and I'd have been left at home feeling miserable whilst he went to the pub with his friends.

12 signs of a controlling personality and potential abuser

1. Jealousy
2. Blames others (including you) for his faults, him being the way he is
3. Blames circumstances for his problems (it's not me, it's how life is treating me)
4. His behaviour is unpredictable and you don't know what to expect from him at any time, in particular how he may greet you
5. He belittles you verbally, tries to take away your self-esteem and self-respect
6. He cannot control his anger and directs his anger at you regardless if his anger is due to something he feels you did or someone/something else
7. He always asks for a second chance to behave better
8. He says he'll change, that he won't do it again, after he's finished his tirade
9. His family resolves problems with violence, a history of violent behavior in his family, with brothers and sisters, against parents, his parents were argumentative and/or abusers

10. He plays on your guilt. (If you loved me, you'd...") 11. His behaviour often worsens when he uses alcohol or drugs, easily becoming uncontrollable 12. He is close-minded. His way is the only way and you'd better always do as he says.

Washersaurus

Point 6 in the above is something you should pay careful to because he is doing that one. Infact all of the above.

Demanding to know where you went is also a classic controller technique. Controlling relationships are abusive ones and you are in an abusive relationship.

You can't fix him y'know - no way can you fix this. Infact you're the very last person who can fix him. Not that you should try anyway. You are not responsible for him ultimately.

This man has done a first class job on you honestly in terms of belittling and controlling you. My guess is that he was all sweetness and light when you first met and could not do enough for you (and I note at 17 as well when you had no real life experience behind you, perhaps in him you found a way out from a perhaps troubled family existance). However, these people's true nature soon emerges and the controlling ways take precedent. This is what is happening to you now. You have allowed yourself to be controlled.

It is not only you who is being emotionally harmed here; its your children as well who are and will suffer because of his controlling ways. Him threatening to cancel the holiday is just one part of it. Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents; just what are you both teaching them here?. You need to consider that rather than keep on burying your head in the sand and hoping for change because change will not happen.

What did you learn about relationships from your parents? BTW you don;t have to answer that but if theirs was a troubled marriage throughout your childhood it may be that you have come to repeat their pattern. But you can unlearn it but it will take a lot of hard work on your part.

I'm only going to say this once more before I give up. Read these back to yourself:

"The financial thing is my fault"

"I only happened to have the train fare to get to my sister's house in my pocket as he gave me £5 earlier to buy ice creams for the boys."

"I would like to feel more like part of team"

"Everything I say is taken as criticism; maybe its the way I say things?"

"I do think I probably was unreasonable to walk out"

"I'm a pita"

"DH says he didn't really throw my dinner in the bin (and I'm a stupid bitch)."

"he is now saying he is cancelling the camping trip next week."

Do you know how all this reads? It reads like the posts of a woman with no financial independence, controlled in every sense financially and in terms of independence, no sense of self, no sense of entitlement to have a say in her own life.

And either you're not seeing this at all or you are conscious that there is a lot more that has been unsaid.

Washersausus
You are in an at the very least and UNHEALTHY setuation, and at the basic level an abusive environment.
Where are you in this marriage.
I think you have a lot of thinking to do and you know you need to change something and the only thing you can changein life is yourself.
So you need to redefine your day to day interaction with each other (which quite frankly I don;t think he will accept)
Or you need to really think about having to go.
You also need to contact a profesional bod such as WA or the Freedom Programme to get some perpective on 'normal' wasys to talk to each other.
really sorry you are going through this ans actually well done for going out last night that was a step in the right direction.

sorry about the typing