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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alone time - i can see that i am, but still...

39 replies

Steaknife · 27/06/2009 10:45

Apologies I am using my phone so cant make paragraphs. DH wants alone time at the weekend, which is fair enough. He says I should use ILs to babysit in the week for my alone time. Again a fair point. So why do I feel cross that he does not take dd for a few hours at the weekend and upset when he wants to do things without us? I am BU arent I?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 27/06/2009 10:47

I don't think it is unreasonable that he has some alone time.
I do think it is unreasonable that he doesn't take your dd for a few hours and give you the same alone time if you want it.

Aussieng · 27/06/2009 10:52

Is he saying then that we wants the whole weekend as alone time? And are you saying that you are *always" upset whenever he wants to do things without you?

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2009 10:56

Are you bot hetting the same amoutn of child free, chore free time in the week? If not, then one of you (probably him) is being unreasonable. Is his attitude that looking after dd is women's someone else's work and that he is entitled to do what he likes?

Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 10:57

Ah that is the thing, because the ILs live close by he says I should take my time in the week. Which just rubs me up the wrong way as I perceive it as him trying to get out of looking after dd. Silly really if I am able to have my time why does it matter when it is or who is looking after dd?

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Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:04

SGB - I am not sure how evenly split the chore free time is. I am also v sensitive to his way of expressing himself that can be a little old fashioned.

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Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:09

No, he does not expect to do just what he wants but I would say he gets more family free time than I do. I think it is time I sorted out my social life.

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Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:11

No, he does not expect to do just what he wants but I would say he gets more family free time than I do. I think it is time I sorted out my social life.

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GhostOfPsychomum5 · 27/06/2009 11:13

so you are supposed to have your DD while he has his 'alone-time', but he won;t have his (your) DD while you have your 'alone-time'??

thats not fair......parenting is a joint job, if he expects you to have your DD, then he should return the favour..........and then get the inlaws to babysit while you both have TOGETHER time!

LovelyTinOfSpam · 27/06/2009 11:17

How much free time at the weekend is he looking for?

Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:19

Ghost - that would be my ideal, but how to get to that being the norm from our current standpoints?

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cyteen · 27/06/2009 11:23

Steak, you already know that I think he is BU. There's something quite disrespectful about it, somehow; he wants the luxury of knowing his child is cared for by her parent while he's amusing himself, but doesn't want to extend you the same opportunity.

Not to mention the fact that they are HIS parents - surely it's easier for him to ask them to give up their time?

When and how does he anticipate spending time with you?

TheCrackFox · 27/06/2009 11:23

How much time does DD see her dad?

Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:25

Lovely - he probably sees friends at least once a week for a few hours, which is fine. Today I was miffed because we have family chores to do that wont get done if he goes to the pub at lunchtime.

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Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:27

Cy - I love the way you slap me with the wet fish of reason.

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cyteen · 27/06/2009 11:29

I'm just a bit concerned that you are so quick to label yourself as U and so apologetic about wanting him to take an equal share - you sound a bit downtrodden...

BonsoirAnna · 27/06/2009 11:29

If your DH cannot engineer "alone time" during the working week, he is definitely entitled to some at the weekend providing you can also engineer yourself some alone time at some point during the week.

GhostOfPsychomum5 · 27/06/2009 11:33

well, I think you need to start planning your free-time around his on the weekend, and just tell him.

ie, when he comes bac from the pub (assuming he is not too drunk to care for your DD safely that is), then tell him that it is now your turn, and just go.........don;t argue, don;t ask, leave a list of what DD needs (so you are not hanging about and he is preventing you from going), and then have your time.

I do appreciate that this is me speaking from my stnadpoint of knowing how my DH would take it, as I don;t know if yours would react ok......??

Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:34

TCF - dh gets time with us in the morning, has lunch at home most days and tries to be home for bedtime, as well as weekends. So quite a lot but tends to expect me to be in charge of dd at these times.

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Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 11:44

Cy - I didnt mean to sound lame, just trying to work out a way of resolving the situation in a way we will both be happy with. I have to go. Lunch calls.

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bubblagirl · 27/06/2009 11:44

personally i would say you can ahve your alone time sat at pub on sunday im going cinema with friends or to pub

and say in the week we will ask your parents to baby sit and you can take me out sunday and sat morn is family time we will both do stuff in afternoon on each day him sat you sun or vise versa

be more assertive about it and he may stop taking the pee its not fair only one person has weekend time and your expected to do most of everything

also ask him to do one of the chores before he goes out

just remember people only do to you what you let them i have learnt hard way and now dp looks after ds while i go out i also leave him some chores that he has taken aboard and all is much better

burningupinspeed · 27/06/2009 11:47

Hang on - does he not look after his DD alone ever?

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 27/06/2009 12:25

My ex was like this, it used to really annoy me.
My parents or his mum were more than happy to help out and look after the dc's but I always felt it was not their job IYSWIM?? I felt tht he should be helping me out more or taking the dc's so that I could do other things but he was more than happy to cop out and leave me with the dc's while he did his thing leaving our extended family to fill his role in the home.

The upshot now being is we seperated last year and he is totally (and will admit it himself) incapable of looking after the dc's alone so when he has them he has always had to make sure someone else was there.
It also used to worry me what would happen if there was an emergency and he had to look after them what eould happen then?

LovelyTinOfSpam · 27/06/2009 13:20

If he goes to the pub this afternoon with his mates then you go to the pub next sat afternoon with your mates.

His parents having DD for a couple of hours on a monday morning is hardly the same is it.

And if he gets pissed today and comes home you will look after DD. If you got pissed and then had to collect DD from your inlaws and look after her - well its not going to happen is it.

Bottom line is his arrangement gives him a lot more freedom than the IL arrangement gives you.

Definitely not on IMO.

Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 19:57

Oh bums. Not only did he bugger off for three hours this afternoon he has now gone out for the night. Mind you i shot myself in the foot when i said

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Original poster
Steaknife · 27/06/2009 20:01

But he will feel he did his bit because he did the food shopping and cooked a very tarty dinner. Just went and spoiled it all by sulking and leaving me to babysit again.

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