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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm cross with dh (again). But I have a feeling that MN is going to be on his side (again). Which might put me straight (again), which can only be a good thing.

46 replies

emkana · 25/06/2009 13:01

Dh took day off yesterday to take girls to school in the morning (I had to go somewhere else), to take his car in for a service and to see dd1 at her sports day (I couldn't go, or rather I preferred taking ds to a teddy bears picnic). After school the dd's like to go to the park for a play with their friends, which is slightly out of our way. Dd1 was really keen to do this for dh and asked him the night before, but he didn't say yes (didn't say no clearly either). So sports was on from after lunch until pick up time, then straight after dd wanted to go to the park for a bit, dh said no. Dd got really upset and apparently had a bit of a tantrum in the playground, dh just started walking home with her following in tears.

I think it wouldn't have killed him to let her have 15 minutes, he says he needed to fetch his car from the car dealers and to run another errand and that I should tell off dd not him for having a tantrum in the playground.

so who is bu?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 25/06/2009 13:04

Weeell, he should have made it clear to dd the night before that the playground was probably not on the agenda, sounds like she ws assuming it was.

Buuuut, tantrums in playground not really acceptable. I would have walked off as well.

So they're both BU but you aren't.

lal123 · 25/06/2009 13:04

dd for having a tantrum... and you a bit - if DH is looking after the kids then its his call whether or not they go to the park

dollius · 25/06/2009 13:06

YABU.

If DH is in charge, then he decides what happens.

Children have to learn to cope with disappointment. He did the right thing walking away.

Morloth · 25/06/2009 13:06

Seriously? YABU. DH said no, she had a tantrum, end of story. Does he micromanage your time with the DCs?

Sassybeast · 25/06/2009 13:07

How old is your DD ?

Original poster
emkana · 25/06/2009 13:08

I bloody knew it

Dd is just turned eight.

The thing is he never normally picks them up and I know that dd was looking forward to the opportunity to show off her daddy so to speak, so I felt so sorry for her.

OP posts:
dollius · 25/06/2009 13:10

Crikey emkana, your DS is just gorgeous!!

Fimbo · 25/06/2009 13:13

I would feel like you Emkana. It's the excitement for the dc - look my daddy is here today.

Although he could have made it clearer to her the night before that the park wasn't on the agenda.

OrmIrian · 25/06/2009 13:17

Poor DD . I suspect your DH was right but a bit mean maybe. Leeway is needed sometimes. But once the tantrum started he had to do what he did.

I personally think that heat and being near the end of term is taking it's toll on most children atm. They all seem more prone to unreasonable behaviour.

sunfleurs · 25/06/2009 13:30

I think he should have made the effort, if she felt excited all day about showing off to Daddy when she doesn't get a chance to very often then I can understand her disappointment. I would not be telling her off either for a tantrum she had when she was with him, you were not there.

Personally I think YANBU.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 25/06/2009 13:32

I would explain to him that his DD wanted to show him off as an ego boost can't be complained about.

mayorquimby · 25/06/2009 13:34

yabu, he's the parent and it's his call. dd should respect that and you shouldn't undermine him.

DebiNewberry · 25/06/2009 13:35

I think YANBU.

claricebeansmum · 25/06/2009 13:37

I think that it is really important for children to learn that each of their parents is different - what one will do, another will not and of course, it works the other way.

I think you DH was quite within his rights. There are no doubt things that he will do with the DC that you would not.

kittywise · 25/06/2009 13:38

I think all three of you actually
DD for having a hissy fit
DH for not being clear with her
YOU for expecting him to do things your way

Morloth · 25/06/2009 13:42

I am often not clear with DS if I haven't made a decision about something. I say "We will have to see" and then make the decision at the time. Pulling a tantrum about it would merely make it less likely that the answer would be yes next time.

I would be extremely annoyed if DH said anything to me if I was in the same position. Kid's can't always have what they want, even if they really really want it. They just have to suck it up and move on.

Sassybeast · 25/06/2009 13:43

I think YABU. 8 is old enough to understand that things don't always happen how you want them to. He was in charge - her throwing a tantrum is the trigger for you being pissed off with him. If she hadn't thrown a tantrum, it wouldn't be an issue.

pickyvic · 25/06/2009 19:45

i dont think YABU. so im meant to put YANBU arnt i....newbie alert....he should have made it clear when your DD asked. if he didnt say no she would have taken it that things would just happen as they usually do. kids dont think like adults. harsh lesson for her to learn. im not saying he should have taken her - im saying he should have told her when she asked.

wrinklytum · 25/06/2009 19:49

Sorry,Im with your dh on this one (Though I love your posts Emkana,and love hearing about your little boy).DS threw a strop the other day so I took him home earlier from an activity.However,I am the disciplinarian harsh one in my family and dp is easygoing daddy!I guess we all are different with parenting styles

MmeLindt · 25/06/2009 19:52

Sorry, Emkana but I think YABU. She is old enough to understand a change of plans and that things don't always go as you want them to go.

But I would have been sad for her too. Did you explain to your DH that she wanted to show off a bit all that she can do?

It was great that he could get the day off to go to DD's sports day though. She must have been chuffed to have her dad there.

Tortington · 25/06/2009 19:56

your dh could have and shuld have been clearer - yes or no

your dd shouldn't have a tantrum after being told no. unless she is 3

CarpePerDiems · 25/06/2009 19:59

Sorry, Emkana, but another YABU. I often can't say a definite yes or no on something the evening before and expect my three, aged between 7 and 10, to deal with the disappointment if I say no.

Also YABU to manage how DH parents, though it can be hard not to interfere if you're the one who usually does it, it's not really fair to do so.

OTOH you sound quite reasonable in your willingness to put it out to Mumsnet and listen to the replies!

Smithagain · 25/06/2009 20:07

Well if it had been this family, DH wouldn't have had any conception of her "wanting to show him off" and is not keen on going to the park in the first place. And if he was in charge, it would be entirely his decision whether they did or not. None of my business.

I wouldn't expect an eight year old to have a hissy fit at being told "no", unless she had somehow got the idea that they were definitely going. So maybe someone was unreasonable for not making it clear that the decision had not been made?

ReneRusso · 25/06/2009 20:11

You are both BU, a bit. DH for expecting you to do the telling off not him and YABU to want to dictate how he deals with DD. Will not do the DD any harm to deal with disappointment and to realise that adult jobs need to get done.

CarpePerDiems · 25/06/2009 20:14

Rene, I don't think the OP's DH expected her to do the disciplining. I read his comment as an expression of annoyance, sort of 'if you're going to tell someone off it should be her, not me'.