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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send DD to nursery simply because she doesn't want to go.

40 replies

lucyellensmumisgreat · 23/06/2009 09:59

Sometimes DD will say she doesn't want to go to nursery - im not sure she really positively actually doesn't want to go. Anyway, yesterday she said she didn't want to go, she was adamant and i didn't send her. It turned out she was running a temperature. I think she is just run down as we have had a busy few weeks. So i didn't send her. On cue this morning she didn't want to go. Still seems a bit sniffly but temp fine. I didn't send her. So tomorrow of course.........

My feeling is, she doesn't have to legally attend nursery so surely if she really doesn't want to go then why should i send her. I am SAHM so it doesnt mess up work or anything. She is nearly 4 and starts school in september. Now obviously it becomes a whole different ball game when she starts school as she HAS to go. So i don't want to be setting a precident then do i, that she doesn't have to go to nursery. Also, i do wonder if its just the getting ready and trapsing to nursery that she doesn't want to do - she always has fun when she gets there.

Obviously the past couple of days have been slightly different as she was running a temp and feeling a bit grotty , well enough to go if she had to though. But she has done this before and 9 times i make her go.

What do you ladies think?

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 23/06/2009 10:02

i think if she is ill or you suspect she may be ill then fine to keep her off

if she is well and you suspect she is playing up then she should go

in september she will have to go everyday unless she is genuinely ill so probably not a bad idea to get her used to that

also you say she always has fun when she gets there

gingernutlover · 23/06/2009 10:02

i think if she is ill or you suspect she may be ill then fine to keep her off

if she is well and you suspect she is playing up then she should go

in september she will have to go everyday unless she is genuinely ill so probably not a bad idea to get her used to that

also you say she always has fun when she gets there

nappyaddict · 23/06/2009 10:06

Actually if she didn't want to go in reception she wouldn't have to. They don't legally have to be in school until the term after they turn 5, so in her case that would be the september she starts year 1. Basically if you kept her off any time in reception you couldn't get into trouble for it.

porncocktail · 23/06/2009 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainKarvol · 23/06/2009 10:14

I was wondering this very thing today. DS (3.3) pretty much always starts the day saying 'Not a Nursery Day', in a determined tone and, unless he is ill, I always make him go. And I feel like a right cow, especially this morning because he was having a big shouty tearful tantrum about it, on the street in front of nursery.

For him, it is partly because his desired alternative is to spend all day every day at the park or his friends houses - not an option - and partly because if you give a fraction of an inch with him, he takes mile after mile. If I started saying 'OK then, stay at home', I would never, ever get him to nursery.

He does enjoy it when he is there, btw, and quite often doesn't want to come home. SO I'm all for sticking to your guns.

AMumInScotland · 23/06/2009 10:33

I think for me it would depend on the strength of the "not wanting to go". If it's just a bit of a negative about having to put her shoes on and get out the house, then I would take her, unless she seemed ill.

But if a child really seemed to dislike going, then I wouldn't force it unless it was really necessary, like so I could work to put food on the table.

lljkk · 23/06/2009 10:42

DD often didn't want to go to preschool so I didn't make her. I didn't see the point until she HAD to go, which was when she started school (very nearly 5 by then, and I knew she was ready). Until then it was entirely optional in my mind.

It feels like your DC have been stolen away from you anyway, after they start school. I don't see the point of rushing that.

gingernutlover · 23/06/2009 10:54

nappy addict, that is only true if the child is 5 in the summer term - but yes it is the case

you might be wondering why they are the only one that cant read and write though

dizietsma · 23/06/2009 10:56

She's only little, she can skive a bit if she feels like it. I let DD do this sometimes, although she does seem to be happier at nursery if she goes regularly, so I try to make sure it's a once in a while thing.

LilTulip · 23/06/2009 11:03

My DD only attendended nursery from January to end of May in the year leading up to reception.
She loved it when she first started but leading up to the last month it was a battle trying to get her to attend so i took her out early. She was basically tired and the afternoons (5 hours) were exhausting for her.

She was still 3 when she started, and there is so much going on at nursery pre-school it can be pretty demanding on a 3 year old.

She wasn't quite ready to spend so much time doing so many activities. She became much happier back at home and come september she was really eager and excited to go to big school and was totally ready for it.

Maybe your DD just needs a break until September. Reception are really easy going about settling kids into school as someone already said its not a legal requirment until the age of five. so if she does miss a day or two it won't matter too much.

You need to determine how ready she is and go with that.

anastaisia · 23/06/2009 11:10

YANBU

She doesn't have to go, you don't have to make her.

Different if you needed her to for work or something.

LilTulip · 23/06/2009 11:14

Ginger that is a bit unfair,
My DD started in reception aged 4 but really did not grasp reading and writing until she went to her new school in year one (aged 5). Her reading and writing skills were v poor.

In reception they focus more on play, and didn't seem concerned that my daughter was memorising her reading books rather than reading them

Every child is different and it does not make a blind bit of difference what age they go, they will learn when they are ready.

TheDevilWearsSocksWithSandals · 23/06/2009 11:23

I find this with my DC but once they are there they are happy.

Are you sure you are not keeping her off for your own selfish reasons?

Plus remember most nurseries have a waiting list of places, if she isn't attending for no good reason another child is missing out.

megapixels · 23/06/2009 11:41

If she's ok once she gets to nursery I'd make her go. If she's poorly (even if it's just a bit of the sniffles) I'd keep her off nursery.

If she really dislikes going I wouldn't send her on an on-and-off basis but take her out of nursery, and give her a break of a few months until she feels ready to go again. My mother was very relaxed about my little sister's nursery attendance, attendance was only about 30% of the time, and come primary school most days my sis had to be forced into the car kicking and screaming because she expected to be able to skive off like before. Awful mistake to confuse a child like that.

Original poster

lucyellensmumisgreat · 23/06/2009 11:50

The school starting age is a difficult one isn't it. My DD will be one of the youngest. I have expressed my horror at this and have been told that of course she doesn't HAVE to start school until she is five, legally. However, the reality is a bit different. If you choose not to start them until the next year, they actually miss reception year and start at year 1. Thus missing out on any bonding that may have happened and being the "new kid". The other kids will be used to school and "hit the floor running" too. Also, apparently - if you do this, when it comes to choosing schools you sort of put yourself in a situation where you have to take whatever places are left because the places were allocated the year before - they wont "save" you a place. So practically, you do have to start them at four.

Also, nappyaddict - im not entirely sure about this, but i would think that by starting them at reception you are commiting to the school year and probably do have to adhere to attendence regulations. I have to sign a bit of paper that says i would be fined for unuthorised absences. Its all a bit rhubarby isn't it.

NA - i hope you don't think im getting at you - i think you raised an excellent point.

thedevelwearssocksandsandals "Are you sure you are not keeping her off for your own selfish reasons?
" ARE YOU MAD?? Giving up my two hours of peace in the morning? nothing selfish about that i can tell ya .

OP posts:

Kayteee · 23/06/2009 11:54

Actually, "legally" they don't have to go to school at all if you choose to home educate.

I would keep her with you and enjoy your time together if you have the opportunity.

MmeLindt · 23/06/2009 11:59

I never had this with DD but did occasionally with DS.

My opinion is that it is my decision to make if my child is well enough to go to nursery. Not the child, and certainly not if it is just because he does not want to go. I can normally tell if he is really ill or just putting it on. If in doubt then they go and I tell the teacher that they were a bit grumpy that morning and to give me a ring if need be. Once DS was in kindergarten, he was fine and I was never asked to come early to pick him up.

If she is ok when she gets there then I would make her go even if she complains about it.

Original poster

lucyellensmumisgreat · 23/06/2009 12:01

That is a good point Kaytee - i couldn't HE, i just don't have the patience or depth/width of knowledge, but i admire those who do.

I wil be quite happy to shove guide DD through the school gates in september and she is very ready to go. I am wondering if she has got bored with nursery, same old same old - with school being progressive she might stay interested? I mean, cos we all loved going to school every day didn't we

OP posts:

Bucharest · 23/06/2009 12:07

YANBU....but I think you need to look her reasons for not wanting to go....and if there is some underlying anxiety thing going on, then you'd be as well to get this addressed before she does have to go every day...

My friend's little girl has had the screaming abdabds every day for 2 years because she doesn't want to go to nursery. My friend knows this is because she is jealous of what her mother will be doing without her all morning...They have a very strong bond- her dad is in the forces so only home every couple of weeks for 2 days at a time...She has never left her little girl with anyone and (IMO) positively encourages the negativity towards nursery.."oooh it's Friday, hurrah! No horrid nursery tomorrow!" etc etc.

Not of course saying you're like that- but I would be asking my child for more information as to why she didn't want to go.

Sidge · 23/06/2009 12:12

Bear in mind that if she doesn't attend nursery regularly then she may lose her funded place. And whilst children don't legally have to be in school until the term after they turn 5, as you have said they aren't obliged to hold a place and you may have to reapply next year for a place in Year 1.

BradfordMum · 23/06/2009 12:22

Nursery places are limited, so your dd is taking up a space which could be used by a child who actually DOES want to be there.
so, in my opinion - YABU.

HSMM · 23/06/2009 12:32

The biggest benefit of nursery (IMO) is learning to mix with large groups of their peers, in preparation for school. They do not have to go. You can help them learn through play and be intuitive about when they are interested in letters/numbers/etc. I would go with my gut instinct if I were you.

TheDevilWearsSocksWithSandals · 23/06/2009 12:59

LEM It seems like you need some help, which you can't get by posting on mumsnet (as I've bitterly learned)

If you need an ear feel free to email me annabeldonaghey hotmail com

MmeLindt · 23/06/2009 13:02

The other thing to consider is, as you said, she might just be getting bored with nursery. I found the last couple of months before the DC started school to be particularly challenging as they were just ready for more structured learning.

katiestar · 23/06/2009 13:10

I wouldn't send her if she didn't want to go once in a while.
Kept my 3rd (summer born) child off quite regularly in reception.At that time the school were fine with it and said we could just decided on a day to day basis.We now have a new HT who cares more about statistics so he would probably moan.But I don't see how you could get in trouble for taking them out.
(I never sign Home-school agreements)

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