to have called the police on DP

[motherlovebone]

earlier this evening my daughter kicked DP, he smacked her bottom...he knows i deal with the discipline here (she has a different father) i didnt see the incident, she came crying to me, shocked obviously and Lord knows what else...i told him to fuck off, he stayed put and i called the police. he went before they arrived.
he didnt appologise.
AIBU?

I agree totally about MLB's untenable position - she hits her child, so has no claim to the moral high ground when her dp hits her as well. Poor child, no wonder she kicks.

However taking issue with whereverilaymyhat's point about "common sense" - it's not that simple, is it? Maybe the dp on the other thread had a particular horror of people smaring sticky syrupy gunk all over their faces. Unreasonable yes - but perhaps not more unreasonable than punishing a kick with a smack!

"Common sense" to some might mean not hitting people smaller than you, or not answering violence with violence. It's very murky indeed to speculate what warrants a smack and what doesn't.

My stepfather hit me for getting my shoes muddy in the garden. He also hit me for calling him a "fucking little Hitler". Neither blow carried the weight of moral justification IMO - it didn't feel any different whether I "deserved" it or not - he was a man hitting a small child because it was easier than using reason, or actually parenting, and I hated him for it. Still do, in fact

did you call your Stepfather a "fucking little hitler"????????
Blimey! you were a brave girl!

hecate has made a really good point that i htink is at the root of this

the OP has compartmentalised the family into two seperate boxes.

she has hit her DD, but the stepfather can;t and will get the police called on him

she can hit their DS, but she does not like smacking

totally screwed up and a horrible environment

hope the children are too young to realise that they are being treated totally differently and that the father/step father is treated as a second class member of the household too

there must be something else simmering under the surface for this to have resulted in the police beign called

I think most reasonable adults are quite clear about what warrants a smack on the bum without marking a child.
I would also argue that no parents ever really want to do it and it's a reaction, I am more freaked out by the ones who calmly administer a smack having thought about what they are going to do than a parent who sees red having been assaulted themselves or sees their child run into the road for example.

Gobsmacked!
Im a step parent to DSD 6 and DD2. DP and I parent together, we don't have one rule for DSD because she's biologically his and one for DD because she's biologically mine. We treat both the same, consistently and fairly.
That means if you use smacking you both can given a misbehaviour that you both think warrants it. Also if you disagree about an aspect of parenting you DO NOT blow it up in front of kids. Discuss it later ffs, when the kids arnt about!
I wouldn't be surprised if your DP doesnt come back and if he does come back I think MLB has some thinking, talking and apologising to do.

spot on nahui.

have spoken to DP, we are separating.

Well am not surprised, good luck for the future.

sorry to hear that MLB, but your relationship did seem to be rather untenable in its current form

was this a mutual decision?

yes, its mutual.

Why don't you both stop smacking physically assaulting your defenceless dc and then there won't be any of these kinds of problems will there?

Anyone can lose it and lash out, I honestly believe that, no matter how good a parent you are but to use physical punishment regularly as a discipline tool is, to me absolutely wrong and unacceptable.

well, i'm sorry to hear that, but i don;t see how there could be any other outcome , when you clearly have so little respect for him as stepparent and have compartmentalised you and your DD from him and DS.

you need to ask yourself some serious questions about why you did this and were at this point.

you are always going to have a connection due to your child, so you need to sort your head out

Seriously? You called 999 because your boyfriend smacked your daughter?

Was it part of a plan because you wanted to split with him?

I hope you will not deny him access to his son.

FWIW YABU.

sunfleurs i really feel that too.

not proud that i have smacked in the past.

Were you trying to stop the policy of smacking then? But he did it anyway?

I personally would not have called the police because of all the issues this can bring but it sounds to me like it was a knee jerk reaction and you were maybe feeling rather desperate. Are there other things going on in the relationship? My ex was a horror of a husband and I found because of this I was unable to work with him equally with regards to the dc. His behaviour impacted greatly on our family and I found it hard to parent equally with him when I was usually left alone to parent the majority of the time.

motherlovebone - I'm not suprised you are splitting up. Your treatment of him was not acceptable (unless there is more you aren't saying), but I am sorry that, as a family, you are going through this. Very sorry for both of your children.

I'm not surprised MLB, sad for you all but not surprised.

There's more to this han the incident in the OP surely.

This is a wind up, surely?

YABU.It was way over the top to call the police.