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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my paedophile ex-husband to see our daughter?

32 replies

wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 21:59

I have just looked at my facebook and found a message from my ex-husband asking to see our daughter. The last time he saw her was in 2003 just before he served 9 months of an 18 month sentence. I have moved away but he asked if he came here could he see her giving the name of the town I live just outside of. The only way he could know where I live is from my parents who I don't speak to anymore.
Moved here to get away from the past, and feel safe again. Now thats all gone.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 21/06/2009 22:01

Hello wantobeanon. Are you new to mumsnet ? I just ask because AIBU seems to attract fairly assertive responses and it strikes me you really need some support so you may be better off posting in the Relationships bit.

YANBU by the way.

GrimmaTheNome · 21/06/2009 22:02

YANBU
If he persists find out about an injunction.
I don't know what else to say.

jugglingwoman · 21/06/2009 22:05

Totally NBU. Can you block him on facebook and also talk to the police about an injunction? I think CAB might be able to help.

If he's saying the town, maybe your parents didn't tell him everything and you could still be safe? Fingers crossed as I know from experience that when someone nasty 'might' know where you live, it becomes 'does' know where you live even if they don't.

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:08

I didn't know until tonight that he knows where we are, I am scared now that he might turn up here I live in a small village where no one knows my past. Do I tell people now so they can keep an eye out? Should I tell the post mistress incase he goes into the shop asking about me? I am re-married but my dh is at work, can't tell him this on the phone.

Can I get an injunction without him having done anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:10

I don't really use my facebook, haven't been on there for ages and thought if I blocked him he'd know I've seen the message.

If he turned up here could I just call the police or would he have to do something first.

OP posts:
SomeGuy · 21/06/2009 22:12

Are you a troll? There are lots of them around lately.

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:14

What is a troll?

OP posts:
jugglingwoman · 21/06/2009 22:15

Does it matter that he knows you've seen the message?

Depending on how brave you are (and the route you want to take) you could always message him back saying 'I'd rather you didn't contact me and for your info, I moved from X .... years ago' (just after you stopped talking to your parents. If he contacts you again, block him.

Talk to the CAB about injunctions or see a solicitor for legal advice. I'm sure if there was something in his past to show what he's like the law should protect you. Also, if he's a convicted paedophile there's probably already an order about him and children I would think?

Up to you about telling people. It's whether it would ruin the life you have now and whether you think it's worth doing if you're so worried he'll turn up. Do whatever helps your peace of mind.

jugglingwoman · 21/06/2009 22:16

Oh and if you call the police, even if you can't get him arrested, as it's domestic they'd 'move him on'. Plus it might make him think twice about turning up again. My ex was a policeman and they don't have any sympathy for paedophiles or nasty husbands.

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:23

I guess I thought if he wasn't sure I'd seen the message he might leave it at that. (Probably a stupid thought) While he was out on license he wasn't allowed to contact me on my daughter but thats finished now. He is on the sex offenders register and cant work with under 18's until 2013. At the time of his conviction I was told all contact had to supervised.

I don't know if he'll turn up but if he did my daughter wouldn't recognise him she was only 2 the last time she saw him.

I think I'm going to have to tell her school everything as well in case he turns up there.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 21/06/2009 22:25

Um, thought sex offenders register was permanent?

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:29

No when he was sentenced the judge sentenced him to 18 months in jail (of which he did 9 months inside) then he was put on a 3 and 1/2 year license, and 10 years on the sex offenders register. I am not sure what happens when the time is up, whether they assess him to see if he should stay on longer or if he hasn't been arrested again if thats it and everythings wiped clean

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/06/2009 22:30

Not always. I think you can be placed on it for X years. I think.

HolyGuacamole · 21/06/2009 22:31

This is (sincerely) not the best place to post a thread of this nature. Maybe try the relationships topic?

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:38

But I am not having a relationship with him

OP posts:
boogiewoogie · 21/06/2009 22:39

OP,
take Rookie and Holyguacamole's advice about posting on Relationship. This topic attracts lots of trolls and troll hunters.

No advice on your situation I'm afraid but hope that you have better luck in the "Relationships" topic. Shall PARP from this thread and go back to the "Sleep" thread that I was on.

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:39

Does anyone think he has a right to see his daughter? Although contact would be supervised I dont want him anywhere near us.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 21/06/2009 22:41

What was he convicted of?

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:42

Downloading child porn

OP posts:
Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:43

Can I move this onto relationships or somewhere else if you all think this is in the wrong place?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 21/06/2009 22:43

Contact Women's Aid and a solicitor. You obviously many not wish to answer this on here but was the offence for which he was sent to prison an offence against your daughter? If so, I can;t see any court allowing him the right to have contact with her against your (and her) wishes.

Pan · 21/06/2009 22:44

take the advice offered.

HolyGuacamole · 21/06/2009 22:45

OK, I don't mean to be rude at all, but if you are asking about being unreasonable, then, of course, the answer is no. Any sane person would agree with that.

If however, you are looking for advice or helpful information, I would honestly suggest that you post on relationships.

Like I say, I don't mean to be rude but this topic is not the place for such sensitive subjects.

Original poster
wanttobeanon · 21/06/2009 22:47

There was no proof that he hurt her but the police said that it is a progressive thing they start with looking at stuff and progress on from that. If they don't accept they have a problem then they can get any help. My ex never admitted a problem while he was in prison.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/06/2009 22:48

If you don't think she should have any contact, then fight!

Don't facilitate any. Get him to take you to court, get it looked into properly.

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