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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of DP being scruffy

103 replies

FlorenceMorningale · 19/06/2009 09:38

I'm sick of DP taking no pride in his appearance. He wears t-shirts that are 3 sizes too big for him, old and scruffy ... even to go out in. Jeans that are massive on him, tops with holes in and stains etc ...

When we first met he wore decent clothes and I had no idea he was such a scruff until I moved in with him and found that he had 2 decent items of clothes and the rest was all fit for the bin. Even a charity shop wouldn't take his clothes.

It's got to the point where I begrudge ironing his stuff and I feel embarrassesd being out with him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 16:03

anna clearly you feel an affinity for me as you cannot stay away

as you wish.you continue to jeer on the sidelines.

if it fulfils an unmet need

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 16:05

No affinity whatsoever! But your posts are too glaringly self-contradictory to avoid commenting on. Few posters are quite as self-destructive

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 16:10

you doth protest too much.please
do contineue to heckle and protest that all this is for my own good

Devongirl · 19/06/2009 16:12

[yawn]

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 16:14

LOL so dont read it then DG if it makes you so tired

constructive to post YAWN though

porncocktail · 19/06/2009 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gerontius · 19/06/2009 17:19

"no adult is innately bad at clothes buying"
Yes they are. Some people (the majority men) are awful at buying clothes. It's not "infantilising" buying someone else's clothes for them, just as you wouldn't let someone hopeless in the kitchen cook for you. You share the skill set.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/06/2009 17:30

If I want to go out with dh in anything non-scruffy I will have bought it from the shop myself. He doesn't shop and he doesn't think he needs to til there is holes in stuff or its worn completely through.

I either go out with him as he is or he wears what I have bought.

The only reason I ask him to wear something is when I go out (so rarely now) and like to dress up. We'd look like idiots if he was wearing trackie bottoms or old jeans and I was wearing a nice Monsoon frock.

Schoolgirl · 19/06/2009 17:57

Coming at this from a different perspective - I have an H (shan't call him D!) who calls me scruffy. I admit that I'm not as fashion-fixated as him. For example, he has built a wardrobe for himself which covers an entire wall of the bedroom (some ten feet)for his suits and shirts as well as another set of wardrobes (double) in the spare room for his casual clothes. I have a normal size wardrobe in the spare room which I can't get to because it's full of DH's shoes (which by the way are also in the other two sets of wardrobes).

This I don't mind - his choice to do it. However I do object to his constant comments about my appearance (not bad but not as "slick" as him obviously) and his hassling me to go shopping. I used to go with him and allow him to choose my clothes. I agree with ScottishMummy that it is somewhat infantalising actually. Now that I have stopped he constantly goes out and buys me glamourous clothes two sizes too small for me and brings them home, forces me to try them on and then makes comments about how he can't believe they don't fit me.

He means well I think. But it makes me feel like shit. If you feel embarrassed going out with him because of the way he looks, I suspect he'll end up not going out with you because of this. Not a nice way for your marriage to end up - believe me.

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 19:00

gerontius so what about all the male fashion designers (marc jacobs et al) and male chefs (jamie et al)they arent hapless

just because some men dress badly (hey a woman probably picked it) and some women cant cook owt except a pot noddle doesnt mean it is a universal trait

in fact i am saying think outside the sterotypes.dont so readily assume
"Some people (the majority men) are awful at buying clothes"

well perhaps if that is what the missus tells them,and they get no oppurtunity no wonder

dont agree with implied sterotype women are good with clothes,interiors and soft furnishings

brendaAndEddie · 19/06/2009 19:05

Go anna Go anna
I agree with you

apart from the term self development

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 19:09

dont forget to do that circle thing with your hands as you swing your tracksuit bottoms shouting go anna go anna

very jerry springer

pointydog · 19/06/2009 19:25

Did florence ever come back to this thread? The op sounds unlikely, reminiscent of Viz.

Scepticism aside, I don't understand how women can treat their men like small children.

More improtantly, sm is obviouls y intelligent.

gerontius · 19/06/2009 23:51

Scottishmummy, I didn't say all men dressed badly. I said some. You've reacted as though I said that no man has ever had dress sense.

pointydog · 19/06/2009 23:55

I have let soeone hopeless in teh kitchen cook for me. I've said, 'here's a recipe, your're an adult, please cook'

scottishmummy · 20/06/2009 00:12

By gerontius on Fri 19-Jun-09 17:19:39
"Some people (the majority men) are awful at buying clothes."

so which majority of men didn't you mean,out of interest?

positive risk taking.allowing people to have skills acquisition and make mistakes is therapeutic.

SoupDragon · 20/06/2009 10:26

No, that means that the majority of the people who are awful at buying clothes are men, not that the majority of men are awful at buying clothes.

You could equally take your "dont so readily assume" instruction and apply it to your "infantalising men" comment.

Longtalljosie · 21/06/2009 13:41

Schoolgirl - that's dreadful. Quite aside from the fact that you should be able to choose your own clothes, the two sizes too small thing sounds

And get his shoes out of your wardrobe. Have you told him the comments make you feel like shit?

LovelyTinOfSpam · 21/06/2009 14:14

DH and I are the opposite way around. He loves clothes shopping, I hate it. He likes to wear nice clothes and look smart, I slob around in the same old stuff day after day. Do get "dressed up" once in a blue moon if going out but other than that can't be arsed, why not wear clothes which are comfy? Just don't get it.

Would absolutely do my nut if he came home with pretty dress/shoes/top/whatever "look darling now you can chuck those old jeans away". I am an adult and dress how I choose. Our relationship is not based on sartorial considerations what does it matter?

On the whole agree with sm re infantilisation. Reminds me of my mum who still buys my brothers pants. He is 34.

Schoolgirl · 21/06/2009 21:55

Yes I have told him it feels shitty Longtalljosie - he swears blind that's not how he means it I'm pretty used to it now - I grew up with an ultra-glam Mum who's very slim and fashionable. When I was a teenager she actually said to me once "Aren't you embarrassed to go out with me looking the way you do?"

To bring it back to the OP (who I do hope is reading this) have you made any decisions yet? Does he even want your "help"? Not to be negative because maybe he would view your interest differently from the way I view my DH's but it does seem likely that your attitude will affect his self-esteem and ultimately your relationship in the long run.

pranma · 21/06/2009 23:00

I have been married to a man who always looked like a fashion plate he was also verbally abusive especially to our son.In his defence he was ill [MS]but every day was a trial.He died.I am now married to a very scruffy man who is thoughtful,sweet,loving and everything any woman could want.He doesnt believe in ironing-says life's too short,he wears his clothes till they fall apart.He is clean but would paint a wall in his suit or go under a car to help a neighbour.I love him so very much Scruffy.....bring it on.

OrmIrian · 22/06/2009 09:05

pranma - quite agree. As a natural scruff I would of course DH isn't abusive, by and large he is a love, but I do find his obsession with clothes and shopping very odd. I find it dull in the extreme.

OrmIrian · 22/06/2009 09:08

gerontius - I agree with you. Some people are rubbish at it because they simply aren't interested. As long as it fits, keeps them warm and decent that is enough. What is actually wrong with that?

Longtalljosie · 22/06/2009 10:24

Schoolgirl - well, if that's not how he means it, once he knows how it does come across, he should stop. There's no way buying someone stuff too small to them isn't a criticism.

My husband likes me to look a bit more glam than I would naturally choose to look... but never says so in so many words. Sometimes when we're shopping together if I try something on and he's really enthusiastic, that will be the decider and I'll buy it - I also sort of remind myself that he likes the whole glam thing when I am shopping for "going out" clothes because I like him to like what I'm wearing. But he never criticises what I do wear. There's a definite difference.

Longtalljosie · 22/06/2009 10:24

small for them - sorry