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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sick of DP being scruffy

103 replies

FlorenceMorningale · 19/06/2009 09:38

I'm sick of DP taking no pride in his appearance. He wears t-shirts that are 3 sizes too big for him, old and scruffy ... even to go out in. Jeans that are massive on him, tops with holes in and stains etc ...

When we first met he wore decent clothes and I had no idea he was such a scruff until I moved in with him and found that he had 2 decent items of clothes and the rest was all fit for the bin. Even a charity shop wouldn't take his clothes.

It's got to the point where I begrudge ironing his stuff and I feel embarrassesd being out with him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 19/06/2009 14:54

"Surely buying anything for "your" man infantilises them. Thus they should, for example, purchase and cook all their own food (and only their own)
"

well no it should be shared as the situation dictates. i'd be as worried about a man who couldn't share the bulk of the cooking where possible, or who got paniced by the idea of having to prepare a meal as one who can't shop for his own clothes.

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 14:57

Maybe learning to write proper grown up sentences starting with capital letters and ending with full stops would help your thought processes to evolve, scottishmummy . You do seem rather stuck at a very base level of human development...

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:01

unable to make cogent point so pick upon punctuation?

picking up wholly on punctuation rather than salient points is a sign you have lost the intellectual plot.

stooping low to detract attention from yourwhimsy points

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 15:04

The salient point I was making is that you haven't made any salient points .

It is advanced human behaviour to collaborate and cooperate within societal groupings (of which the adult couple is the most basic form). But perhaps you haven't got a very good grasp of economics?

Peachy · 19/06/2009 15:06

I like bying clothes. DH does not.

For 28 years he managed it before meeting me, so am ssured he can manage it. Still does indeed, when we spot a surf shop or similar (has a thing about weirdfish t-shirts).

Am assured he could cope with his own clothes, loves choosing kids clothes, but doesn't like to shop for himself.

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:06

you understood so you must be as base as i?

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 15:07

You are unintelligible.

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:09

refrain from derisory remarks,contain yourself.try compose cogent point of view

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 15:13

You are very odd: you are seemingly incapable of writing proper English - grammar, syntax, argument are all lacking in some respects. You sound very young and/or uneducated...

makipuppy · 19/06/2009 15:15

I don't believe this thread. It's absolutely nuts!

Scottishmummy I think there is a difference between problem solving (you do this, I'll do that) and infantilising (there there puppy, I've done it all for you, just pop these rompers on, mummy's little solidier, etc.)

I don't think the word infantalising has any place in this bickerfest argument.

It's great in a relationship when you can rely on the other to do something you're usually useless at or bored by. It doesn't mean that if fate cruelly ripped you apart you wouldn't go back to slopping along like you did before.

Crikey.

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:16

you knock yourself Anna with derogatory remarks.

says a lot about you

that you resort to indiscriminate casting aspersions.with no provocation

so speculate away.i shall eagerly read your psychometric profile

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 15:18

I haven't been remotely derogatory - there you go, your understanding of language is very basic if you think that. I am just, rather politely, pointing out to you that if you wish to make a point and have it taken seriously, it is good practice to use proper grammar and to defend your arguments in cogent English.

LightShinesInTheDarkness · 19/06/2009 15:21

(pops in, skims thread)

how did we get from holey T-shirts to this nasty argument....?

(ducks out again)

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:28

LOL you stick to guessing my age, educational attainment since it intrigues you so much

here is a wee recap of your moments anna

help your thought processes to evolve, scottishmummy . You do seem rather stuck at a very base level of human development...

But perhaps you haven't got a very good grasp of economics?

You are unintelligible

Maybe learning to write proper grown up sentences starting with capital letters and ending with full stops would help your thought processes to evolve, scottishmummy . You do seem rather stuck at a very base level of human development...

You are very odd: you are seemingly incapable of writing proper English - grammar, syntax, argument are all lacking in some respects. You sound very young and/or uneducated...

this is my faveourite though

I haven't been remotely* derogatory - there you go, your understanding of language is very basic if you think that. I am just, rather politely, pointing out to you

aha- thanks for politely making me aware of that

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 15:30

I think you are just feeling uncomfortable because I am pointing out (politely) the truth!

lucyellensmumisgreat · 19/06/2009 15:31

Blimey - imagine if a man came on here and started whining about his wife being scruffy, perhaps he is happy being scruffy

lucyellensmumisgreat · 19/06/2009 15:33

fuck me - Anna and SM - you know each other in real life and this is a wind up? right?

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:36

think not.anna just seeks to show me her people skills,and point me to where i am evidently going wrong

Devongirl · 19/06/2009 15:38

at bitchfight

lucyellensmumisgreat - I get your point about a man coming on here but if his partner had given up making any effort at all he would probably have a right to be a bit miffed.

Personally I'd suggest a quick shopping trip, painfree - interspersed with coffees and/or beers, which is the only way we can manage a trip to the shops as we both hate it. Get a few essentials, get out of the shops quick as possible, tell him how much better he looks and how handsome he is when he makes an effort (in a non-patronising, loving, interested as a partner in a sexual way manner) then maybe he'll get it without feeling undermined.

Personally I like my husband looking scruffy most of the time as long as he makes an effort when it's important.

lucyellensmumisgreat · 19/06/2009 15:41

thats very kind of her

My DP hates me buying clothes for him, i have done so before and it has always been a disaster. The reason - because he hasn't tried said items of clothing on. He is very broad and needs XL which is sometimes still small in the shouler and others swamps him and looks like some sort of kaftan, depends on the style, cut etc. His mother insists on buying him clothes too - he hates this as well.

I often pick up bargains in charity shops for him to wear to work (hes a builder) but even then he still moans.

I find it odd that his mum still insists on buying him clothes, i find it odder that women feel they have to do this for their partners. Buy a present yeah, maybe - but actually be in charge of buying their clothes? How nice that he lets you have something to be in charge of. It really does smack of the little woman. Sorry.

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:43

sorry to disapoint two strangers tap tapping doesnt constitute "bitch fight"

some blah blah re-enacted on a pc isnt real
it is just words on a screen

looks like you will have to take your suprised face and seek "bitch fight" somewhere else

i suggest blockbusters

Nahui · 19/06/2009 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GetThePartyStarted · 19/06/2009 15:49

I used to have this problem with my DP, he worked in a formal professional environment and didn't really 'get' the language of clothing IYSWIM, he saw clothes only as a way of covering his nakedness. He would also happily wear stained/holey/faded clothes until they literally fell off as rags (this skankyness mainly at home not at work but still!)

I didn't (and still don't) care what clothes he wears as long as they are relatively good condition and he looks smart at work. He now gets clothes a bit more and has developed his own skatery style which I do think he rocks!

I tend to buy him clothes for birthday/Christmas (which he asks me to), and we go shopping together (at his suggestion) once or twice a year to 'stock up' as then the torture that is shopping is limited. I chuck away anything that is obviously dead (mainly pants and socks), but he deals with anything else, and now lurves the whole charity shop run thing.

I don't see this as infantalising, just recognition that we are different people with different skills. I am better with choosing clothes, cooking and finances, he is better at cleaning, washing clothes (bizarrely!) and driving so we divide our chores accordingly.

scottishmummy · 19/06/2009 15:51

but if the ad-hoc becomes the norm and one routinely buys his clothes,then that is infantilising.as it is an adult taking on a task the other adult is capeable of. it is deskilling and imo odd

however it seems from here that people do undertake this

BonsoirAnna · 19/06/2009 16:00

If you are so preoccupied with deskilling/maintaining basic skills, how about (re?)doing GCSE English, scottishmummy?

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