Sick of DP being scruffy

[FlorenceMorningale]

I'm sick of DP taking no pride in his appearance. He wears t-shirts that are 3 sizes too big for him, old and scruffy ... even to go out in. Jeans that are massive on him, tops with holes in and stains etc ...

When we first met he wore decent clothes and I had no idea he was such a scruff until I moved in with him and found that he had 2 decent items of clothes and the rest was all fit for the bin. Even a charity shop wouldn't take his clothes.

It's got to the point where I begrudge ironing his stuff and I feel embarrassesd being out with him.

AIBU?

scottishmummy - buying clothes for your partner is not icky nor creepy. Merely the easiest option for a lot of women who don't find it a chore to pick up a few bits for their DP/DH (who would do anything to avoid the shops), to have them look less scruffy. No different to a lot of things partners do for each other to make their joint life easier.

I'd throw out anything 'ordinary' that I knew had no special attachment, usuallyn having bought it in the first place, but I would never throw out anything that had any significance... might hide it at the very, very, back of the wardrobe under something else though till he asked if I'd seen it

... and to head of any lectures, we share ironing, cleaning, cooking and I am not a stepford wife at all (in his dreams!!). He does stuff for me I don't like doing and I do stuff for him he doesn't like doing... AND he asks me to go with him if he needs to buy a suit or something because he wants my opinion - not because he's not allowed to do it without my thumbs up!!

Oh, we go shopping for clothes together too. Good to have each others opinions sometimes.

How does picking up some t-shirts, shirts, boxers etc while at the shops infantilise them??

Maybe this is becoming a bit of a 'generation' thing... being the grand old age of 40, most men in my age group (well all the ones I know anyway) don't give that much of a toss about their clothes and are happy not to have to trawl the shops to get new ones and I'm happy to get them when I see something I like... really a non issue.

buying a grown mans clothes is icky and infantilising.is he a manchild or man

why would anyone want to exert that level of control and determine something as fundamental and personal as how one looks?

i pick up a few wee items like bread certainly not something as personal or defining as clothes

ok,when you meet could he presumably buy his own clothes or did mummy or another partner do the deed

agahast any woman wants to do this
agahast any man with a spine lets them

or maybe they take the piss, act helpless so the task gets done

I find it amusing and somewhat shocking that people think that buying your DH clothes infantilises them. I work for a company that gets invited to sample sales for high end retail outlets and get 70-90% off lines from Bond Street stores. I buy my husband shirts that he asks for that would cost £120 for around about £30. I can pick up £200 pairs of shoes for £40 and he loves the fact that i get him these things as otherwise he couldn't afford them. he is more than happy for me to get him things as he knows i know what he likes and that it is a real treat. It doesn't infantilise him. He has bought me a pair of Jimmy Choos for my birthday a few years ago - i didn't feel infantalised by him then and i still don't when i wear them.

What a bizarre attitude to have towards presnt giving and men. Of course they are capable to do their own shopping, doesn't make it les of a gift if you buy them something nice to wear.

Dh hates hates hates clothes shopping. He genuinely doesn't notice/care when the collar on a shirt is frayed. I do, so it goes in the bin. I do run it past him first, wouldn't feel right chucking it without his knowledge. IMO it's all part of my caring for him. Equally if he noticed my jeans were fraying, he'd suggest they go in the bin. I buy clothes for him, if I see something I think would suit him. He buys things for me (very rarely obviously as he hates shopping!), if he sees something he thinks will fit me. Am not offended in any way, I see it as a sign he's thinking about me.

the odd gift purchase isnt a problem but habitual purchasing of items is icky.because an adult acquiescing control of their attire to another adult is odd.as is the desire to do it

stigagold there's a big difference between getting your dh clothes he's asked for or just simply as presents or the unique situation you're in and the attitude of others about "drssing their husbands" because he's a useless man etc

DH would be a scruff or 20 yrs out of date if his sister, mother and female colleagues didn't occasionally point out how ridiculous he looks.

I'm glad they are there to do it for me.
I compliment him when he looks good (usually in something his sister/mother/colleague has chosen for him) so that he wears his shapeless teeshirts less often.

I don't really shop for him because I the rare times I get to go shopping, I want to look for myself, but if you hate clothes shopping and have no opinion on what you wear and you have a partner who enjoys clothes shopping, what's wrong with letting them buy your clothes for you?

ad-hoc gifts etc no problemo,habitual and regular buying mans clothes big no no

these men manage to hold down jobs etc but cant be expected to attire themselves?it is infantilising beacuse an adult is over exerting control and making fundamental choices for a tax paying memeber of society who is most likely capeable of buying clothes

and dont get me started about gender stereotyping

so about son/s then- quite happy to think of them as incaapable of buying clothes as an adult and the missus assists

Surely buying anything for "your" man infantilises them. Thus they should, for example, purchase and cook all their own food (and only their own)

Florence - it is an easy habit to fall into for anyone, man or woman. This thread is almost the male version of the recent thread on avoiding looking 'Mummsy'. I have to admit it easy for Dads to also start to look quite 'Daddsy' after kids arrive and there are various grades of male grungeiness within that overall Daddsy look.

What does DH do for a living? Does he work at home or say in a job that requires fairly informal dress that is say a driving job or even an office job that allows dress down? I used to work with city tader on huge salaries that dressed down in the office just as you descibe your husband. Some looked like they had slept in their clothes or just been sunbathing in the garden in grungy shorts.

Has DH had a sudden redundancy or big life change or an illness? I became, a SAHD/WAHD and then very ill and it did set me off down this track but I realised I had to totally rethink my wardrobe.

I do not think it is right to just chuck out DH's clothes or decide to buy him new ones without his agreement though. He has to make that decision himself.

What I did was talk to DW about what she liked me wearing (she and I have always liked nice clothes) and I also told her what I liked her wearing. We listened to each other also thought about our lifestyle together and then threw out most of our old summer clothes last summer and bought new ones for holiday and home casual wear. We also just threw out most of our old winter clothes and will buy new ones in the Autumn.

We kept a few of the newer things and some slightly older things for gardening and dirty jobs and but apart from that everything went. We then tried to think of different situations where we need different types of clothing. Formal occassions, going out into town, working at home, visiting friends, holidays, wet and foul weather. We then worked out what full outfits and individual items we really needed. That way we felt we would not waste money or time buying stuff we did not need or would not wear.

The motivator to me, apart from my own general unhappiness about how I looked, was that DW responded to what I had said to her and so I felt I owed it to her to look nicer too. Making it a joint project about our lifestyle and shopping together made it more fun.

Might that work for you and DH?

certain core daily living skills are essential for man or woman

ability to cook a meal
dress oneself (inc chosing clothes)
maintain adequate self care
manage finances
basic maintence tasks
basic level of skills acquisition to get a task completed eg i need a new clothes,i will buy new clothes

i certainly hope these basic minimum are met for most people

Yes, but in the terms of a couple, it is perfectly acceptable to trade off tasks that you don't enjoy. DIY, for example, was my domain, finances and mowing the lawn H's. That's not to say we couldn't do all of the required tasks if necessary, just that they were traded according to enjoyment/ability

Go shopping with him and help him choose some new stuff that you both like, and that fits.

Then bag up all his old yucky stuff that you cannot stand and ask him to check through the bags before taking it all to a charity shop or recycling bin.

Sort out his empty wardrobe for him as a labour of love .

There is everything right about helping your partner in the path to self-development.

Dh is much the same

T-shirt (usually fiots but almost always marked), and too short nasty cheap polyester slacks.

I kid you not.

We have had Talks about it altely and the slacks will be disappearing as soon as I get my hands on them. He won't get them from work any mroe as he's self employed now so no bloody excuse!!!!

I'm not exactly immaculate (though did used to be- wonder where that went? think I gavew birth to my vanity alongside ds4 ) but DH just genuinely dosn't care.

If its a posh do he loves it and will do dinner suit etc and scrub up a treat, the rest of the time.......

But I dolove him and i'd rather (usually) have trampalike Dh over someone else.

It's absolutely not infantilising to buy your DP/DH's clothes!

Not all adults are good at choosing clothes. It's a skill like any other, to dress well. The whole point of couples is to share your skills!

yes one negotiates some tasks according to preference etc but that shouldnt mean one has a complete absence of undertaking a task

but as a minimum one shold be able to independently achieve basic skills

cooking
shopping
finances
self care

for survival and self worth if nothing else

sadly it is common if a female partner is deceased/absent that some men cannot cope with domestic chores never having had to.conversley some women cannot cope with maintence,finances if man deceased/absent

anna it is infantilising.no adult is innately bad at clothes buying.

one becomes deskilled if someone else assumes that role and responsibility and has the belief they are "no good"

do dsome of you want this for your son/s.the belief they cant chose/buy clothes independently without a female partner?

The most infantilising attitude is the one where each person in a couple is supposed to look after him or herself independently of the other!

i like scruffy...as look as you're really clean and smell gorgeous..scruffy is cool...

Tell him you don't like it. And then leave him alone.

I've seen what ds1 chooses, I hope his partner likes shopping (though he says he's gay so won't be a female partner).

there are levels f extrreme in this. if I binned all dh's clothes and bought new he'd be right to be annoyed. If I say 'I'dlike to destroy that pair of trousers, if I replace with something nicer we can pick together is that OK?' that's fine.

I do the latter often.

Dh won't spend on clothes- he spends on things that matter to him and the main bills and I happen to manage the clothes budget.

Florence - sorry. I meant your DP not DH.

autonomous adult men dont need someone else buying them clothes.they have that skills set.this is smothering and control with a big dollop of gender sterotype

lil woman= good with interiors,furnishing,buying clothes and has to run around bauying hapless husband clothes