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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm being QUITE unreasonable, but...

35 replies

angelene · 09/06/2009 15:57

AIBU to want to buy clothes for my DD?

My MIL has filled DD's wardrobe with clothes to the point that there's no need for me to buy her anything. They're not too bad, mostly not really what I'd buy for her, but they'll do.

I know this sounds incredibly ungrateful, and I am sure I'll get massively flamed, but I only have one child and it would just be nice for me to buy something for her, just to go shopping and think what would suit her and what fantastic, funky clothes are out there that she would love and would look brilliant on her. But she has so much that it seems that she doesn't need anything else, and that makes me sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
angelene · 09/06/2009 15:58

Sorry, the last sentence doesn't finish right, it should read 'But she has so much that it seems that she doesn't need anything else that I can buy her, and that makes me sad.'

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 09/06/2009 15:59

So what is stopping you?

Geepers · 09/06/2009 15:59

How old is your daughter? Send me all the stuff your MIL buys and you go and buy new for your daughter. win-win ;)

idranktheteaatwork · 09/06/2009 16:00

can you quietly charity shop some of the items?

Lizzylou · 09/06/2009 16:00

Yanbu, it is lovely that your MIL buys things for your DD, but I would be miffed too if I couldn't choose what my child wears.

Especially a girl, after years of buying boys clothes

littlelamb · 09/06/2009 16:01

No, my mil is the same. She always buys dd bits when she goes shopping, to the extent that I don't have room for any more. I am grateful for them, and she's undoubtedly saved me a fortune, but it would be nice to actually be able to buy her the thngs that I've seen and like. Of course, there's nothing actually stopping me, but it seems a waste when she has everything that she 'needs' already

SuperSoph73 · 09/06/2009 16:01

I don't think YABU. She's your daughter and you have every right to buy her something if you want to. However, I would suggest that when she's visiting your MIL or vice versa she wears something that your MIL has bought for her.

I'm sure you'll definitely get a flaming though

VinegarTits · 09/06/2009 16:01

just tell your mil not to buy any more clothes for a while as you have more than enough and some will probably go to the charity shop without being worn

And buy her whatever you like, if your mil wants to waste her money on stuff that might not get worn thats her problem

belgo · 09/06/2009 16:01

I do agree angelene. I have been swamped with clothes that people are simply trying to get rid of, and I end up with the task of disposing of it. Some of it is beautiful stuff and I am very grateful, but I do understand wanting to buy your child their own clothes.

MadameDefarge · 09/06/2009 16:02

No, YANBU. My exMiL buys loads of clothes for ds, which are all fine, but all sludgly khaki colours which I so would not have chosen for him.

I'd rather have the 5 years outstanding CS I am owed, quite frankly. And before I am flamed for this also, ExMiL and FiL support exp financially, so there is a connection.

LadyOfWaffle · 09/06/2009 16:02

Buy her clothes 'in advance' maybe? Buy a few sizes too big so they are already bought? Or just buy your own anyway too.

alarkaspree · 09/06/2009 16:02

Just buy her some clothes anyway. Doesn't really matter if she needs them or not.

In the future could you have a day out shopping with dd and mil and guide her purchases a bit?

Geepers · 09/06/2009 16:03

You are all lucky. No-one has ever bought me anything for my children. I don't even get the usual gifts of clothing after a baby is born.

TheRealMrsJohnSimm · 09/06/2009 16:03

YANBU. Yes, having MIL buy DD some clothes would be nice but I would find it a bit weird if my MIL bought all my DS' clothes too.

Why not charity shop some items as has been suggested. You could even try giving direct to any "parents in need" type charities (women's refuges, those supporting teen parents etc).

OrmIrian · 09/06/2009 16:04

Actually I don't blame you. I remember desperately wanting to buy my own clothes for my DC - once they had got past babygro stage and always being forestalled by some well-meaning soul Once I had more than one I was a lot more grateful but in your shoies I can understand it.

Can you quietly pass on most of it, just keeping obvious bits like coats and a few dresses or cardigans, for DD to wear when granny is around. And then fill in the gaps yourself,

sparkybabe · 09/06/2009 16:06

Angelene - my mIL did this for my PFB, to the extent that I realised as I took him to his first christmas party (about 3YO) dressed head-to-foot, from-skin-up in stuff she'd bought. Literally NOTHING was my choice.

DH had a word with her (she didn't and still doesn't understand) and now she only buys stuff (bags and bags of stuff still) at christmas and birthday, not all year round.

Mind you he's 16 now....

Original poster
angelene · 09/06/2009 16:06

VT - it seems a waste when her wardrobe is bursting at the seams. I get a few bits for her, swimming cossie, pjs etc.

I would give stuff away but the guilt, the guilt

Geepers DD is 3.8, she's gorgeous (pfb, I know I know) and I see stuff linked to on MN and would love to indulge myself her.

I have bought stuff in the next size up but MIL is a bargain hunter supreme and her main hobby is shopping so it's a bit like trying to hold off the hordes. She also always gives me stuff and says 'don't worry, it wasn't expensive'.

I'd rather they saved the money and then gave it to us to help with doing up the house which is far more in need, but that REALLY is being VERY unreasonable

OP posts:
omaoma · 09/06/2009 16:08

well... yes but no is the answer. i was in a related position of not wanting to buy clothes as we're a bit low on funds, so had a wardrobe full of bought/donated clothes for DD. but i too got down about the fact that there wasn't anything i really loved, and quite a few items bought by close family i hated. as a friend said 'you have to look at them all day' - so do what makes you feel good. i have a mental status list and when dressing her start with things i love that i have bought/made, followed by things i don't mind when they're dirty and relegate the outfits i really can't stand to 'if all else is in the wash' or nighttime status. also started making a few things which i makes me feel v satisfied (sure my mother thinks her granddaughter looks like a refugee!) bottom line: your MIL doesn't spend 24 hrs with your daughter, will she really even know if you don't use all the outfits? people have very different tastes in what they think cute on children. just keep quiet and wheel out one of her outfits occasionally when she's around! i've had items that only got worn once or twice before DD outgrew them anyway, they may as well have been unworn. person who gets your donation bag of clothes on freecycle will be v happy. xxx

Original poster
angelene · 09/06/2009 16:11

Goodness me, I really thought I'd be in for a flaming there! Interesting to see that I'm not alone.

MrsJohnSimm that's a great idea about 'parents in need' charities, I will look into that.

OP posts:
Jux · 09/06/2009 16:16

Charity shops. Leave some things your MIL bought though, so that every once in a while she'll see dd dressed in something she bought.

cat64 · 09/06/2009 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bucharest · 09/06/2009 16:22

YANBU- I had a conversation the other day with my Mum, who buys probably 80% of dd's stuff (she ships it out to Italy for me too) about how it sometimes irritates me that everything she does buy her is in the 70% off sales.....Now I know that makes me U as well, but my Mum is very comfortably off, but will always buy sale stuff just because it's in the sale IYKWIM?

slug · 09/06/2009 16:23

My MIL does that and, as a blue eyed blonde, she's always buying her the dreaded pink stuff. DH is nearly an only child. His sister died aged 3 years old. So in a way I think my MIL is compensating, getting to dress the duaghter she lost.

I buy her stuff when we are out together wich MIL would probably never look at. Other than that, I let it go because it is given as a gesture of love and DD has such a special relationship with her grandparents.

Original poster
angelene · 09/06/2009 16:32

Bucharest - exactly my situation, MIL will buy ANYTHING with a red sticker on and would rather die than buy anything full price!

slug - MIL has two DSs and DD is clearly filling a 'gap' she feels she has as she never had a DD of her own. DD loves her so I don't want to cause a scene.

OP posts:
procrastinatingparent · 09/06/2009 16:38

Our situation is slightly similar in that very generous friends have given me so much stuff for DD that for the third summer running I have had to buy her nothing except shoes. Literally nothing, not even pants. Occasionally I spring for some school tights but I even get given all her school clothes too. And than there is all the stuff saved up for the winter. It's usually great quality and there is so much of it that I have bags to give away to other people too.

I am very grateful but just occasionally I think I would like to choose for myself what she wears. What I tell myself though is that one day soon (DD is 7 now) she will start being very picky about what she likes and hand-me-downs won't cut it anymore and then I will have to go and spend loads of money on clothes.

It's trickier WRT your MIL - can you ever take anything back and choose for yourself? (There's always the 'it didn't match with anything else' or 'wrong size' excuses).