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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to discuss the fact that he's going away for the night

79 replies

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 12:27

especially when his train ticket will cost over £100?

His great aunt died yesterday. He's going to the funeral which is 180 miles away. He's decided that he's going to stay the night at his parents and come back the next day.

Not one word of discussion with me, his OH. I think it would be courteous of him to talk to me about it all first before he makes such plans and spends our money.

I know it's good form to go a family funeral and all that. That's not what I'm objecting to. Although he last saw the aunt three years ago by chance when we were visiting his parents. He hardly ever sees her relatives either so it's not as if he's going to support them. I get the feeling it's all about appearing to be the good guy when it's a public occasion.

I'm just annoyed. Perhaps I should take the children away for a night without talking to him about it first and see how he feels. But he'd probably love it! Pah.

OP posts:

diedandgonetodevon · 09/06/2009 12:32

I think YABextremelyU. It's a funeral ffs, it's not as if he is off on a boys night out. Why on earth would he have to clear it with you? Surely telling you where he is going is more than enough information.

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 12:34

i suppose he thought seeing as it was a funeral rather than a stag do ,he did not need to ask your permission as your answer would have been 'of course you must go'

is the money an issue?

i think you ABU

if he feels he wants to pay his respects, then that is a good thing to do

MadameDefarge · 09/06/2009 12:36

YABU. Sorry. whats the big deal? He has to go to a funeral. he must pay the train fare to get there. He will spend a night with his parents, who might possibly need some support. I would be astonished if my dp felt he had to "ask my permission'' before making adult decisions like this.

juicychops · 09/06/2009 12:36

i think you are being very unreasonable personally. i would never expect dp to clear it with me to attend a funeral no matter where it was or how close he was to that person.

its hardly comparable to you taking the kids away for the night without talking about it first

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 12:38

It's not about "permission". Who said anything about permission.

It's about discussing arrangements as grown up people in a marriage.

OP posts:

pooka · 09/06/2009 12:39

YABU.

It might not be so much about his great-aunt as wanting to support his parents/remaining family.

My grandmother is dying now . Nearly at the end.

The idea that dh might then resent my spending time helping my mother/helping with funeral/subsequently clearing the house would seriously annoy me.

However, I would present overnight stays as a suggestion. Fully aware that he would do whatever he has to to facilitate that WRT childcare. I know he wouldn't say no or be narked because he would understand the reasoning.

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 12:40

I did say that I know it's good form to go a family funeral and all that. That's not what I'm objecting to.

OP posts:

Pheebe · 09/06/2009 12:41

He has discussed it, you clearly know all the details so if he doesn't need your permission whats the problem?

Sorry, YABVU

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 12:42

what are you objecting to exactly?

the money?

the short notice?

the bieng away for the night?

Thunderduck · 09/06/2009 12:44

YABVU.

OrmIrian · 09/06/2009 12:44

YABU. I'm not sure that more notice or discussion would have made any difference would it, unless you were going to ask him not to?

scaryteacher · 09/06/2009 12:45

Grow up - my husband frequently goes away without asking me as the Navy sends him off at short notice.

He's going to a funeral; he seems to be considerate by not asking you to go and having to make child care arrangements.

A friend of my husband died unexpectedly in the UK, and there was no question but that he would take two days leave, drive back to the UK and attend the funeral. The first I knew about it was when he rang me to ask me to check ferry times for him.

Death is an awfully big thing and your husband my have fond memories of his aunt, and want to be with his family.

MadameDefarge · 09/06/2009 12:46

Okay, trying to understand this.

I suppose if he just said "I'm getting the 8 oclock train and will be back the next day" when he usually had some form of domestic responsibility like taking dcs to cubs, or looking after them while you go to a night class, then I would be a bit ticked off because he has not discussed alternative arrangements.

cat64 · 09/06/2009 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ShauntheSheep · 09/06/2009 12:47

YANBU at all IMHO. I wouldnt book to go to anywhere including a funeral without ringing dp first and telling him. It is plain rude to sort something out like that without telling your partner what you are doing. It doesnt have to be a long discusion but as you will eb holdign the fort at hoem its nice to be told about these things before hand.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/06/2009 12:49

What is there to discuss? What is it exactly that you want him to say? Can I go? I need to go? can we spare the money?

What is there to say except the funeral is on X day, I will stay with my parents and be back the following day.

It's not an arrangement to debate or decide between you, tbh.

Have you told him how you feel and how you expected the conversation to go?

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 12:51

No, I don't think you've read my op.

I don't mind him going to the funeral, I don't mind him staying the night.

I would however like him not to just run off and tell me of his plans en route particularly since there is no timing urgency. It would have been courteous to have been part of the discussion.

The funeral is not until late tomorrow afternoon but he's already on his way to the train station.

OP posts:

mermaidspurse · 09/06/2009 12:52

I wonder if the op has had the misfortune to experience a member of her family passing away? You do things on autopilot, you do things that are expected of you and for once maybe your partner is thinking of his parents rather than you. Cut him some slack.

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 12:52

is there other history here that we don;t know?

otherwise i cannot get that you are angry at him for going / not askign permission

he has obviously said,' great aunt has died, i have booked a train, and am going to stay at my folks, it cost £100 but it is family..'
or something of that nature?

what did you expect?

'can i go to the funeral?"

psychomum5 · 09/06/2009 12:52

it is a funeral, you know it is a distance away, maybe he figured that you would actually already expect him to need to go and stay overnight.

If it were me, I would not discuss it with my DH, as I know he is adult enough to actually realise that with funerals, whatever needs are accounted for, without question!

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 12:53

you did not make it clear in your OP that he told you en route or that he has gone today.

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 12:53

even so , YABU.

sorry, but some things you just have to suck up.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/06/2009 12:54

Oh, you mean he's gone NOW? And you didn't even know? He just rang you on his way and said "I'm going right now" ? doesn't he have an overnight bag or anything? He just went from where? Work? or just left the house without a word?

I apologise. I obviously didn't read properly.

erm. that wasn't really clear from your op.

No, that's not on actually.

rubyslippers · 09/06/2009 12:56

it's a funeral

i wouldn't bat an eye lid - these are exceptional circumstances

when my darling gran died, i got in my car at 5 am and told DH to expect me back whenever

he didn't even blink

you sound terribly upset - like he is being selfish ...

Portofino · 09/06/2009 12:56

I must admit I would expect DH to say something out of common courtesy, like "Re. the funeral, I thought I might get the train, stay over night etc. OK with you?"

I guess it also depends on your finances. £100 is not a small sum. I know plenty of people have a lot less than that to live on....

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