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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to discuss the fact that he's going away for the night

79 replies

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 12:27

especially when his train ticket will cost over £100?

His great aunt died yesterday. He's going to the funeral which is 180 miles away. He's decided that he's going to stay the night at his parents and come back the next day.

Not one word of discussion with me, his OH. I think it would be courteous of him to talk to me about it all first before he makes such plans and spends our money.

I know it's good form to go a family funeral and all that. That's not what I'm objecting to. Although he last saw the aunt three years ago by chance when we were visiting his parents. He hardly ever sees her relatives either so it's not as if he's going to support them. I get the feeling it's all about appearing to be the good guy when it's a public occasion.

I'm just annoyed. Perhaps I should take the children away for a night without talking to him about it first and see how he feels. But he'd probably love it! Pah.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 09/06/2009 12:57

If I got a phone call from dh saying "I'm just boarding a train to go to Aunt Enids funeral (who he's never mentioned nor seen in years etc, I'll be home tomorrow night" I'd be ticked off.

If I got a phonecall to say "x is seriously ill I'm going to go and visit them now" then I wouldn't mind.

I think I understand where you're coming from if he'd said "I'd like to go to the funeral and stay over at my parents" you'd have said "ok, sure"

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 12:57

even if he phoned from the train, he is going to a funeral, not out on the lash.. there must be more to this than this one incident.

rubyslippers · 09/06/2009 12:59

even if he has gone he may just want to be with his family

altho' he may not be close to his aunt, he may want to be there for other family members

death/grief can make people do things we may not expect

mayorquimby · 09/06/2009 13:00

"I did say that I know it's good form to go a family funeral and all that."

how magnanimous of you.
of course YABU

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 13:00

He's gone. He's taken the afternoon and tomorrow off work, stepped into M&S for a clean shirt for the funeral and undies and is waiting at King's X for the train.

I have had a text from his blackberry saying he may stay another night too as he could travel back early on Thursday and get into work for 10am.

All that is fine but I reckon he could have let me know/given me a wee bit of notice or even talked to me about it.

And money is tight. Or at least I thought it was.

OP posts:
Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 13:01

i can see why are you miffed, but it is a funeral. and he is going to have an unexpected opportnity to catch up with family

your OP ws not clear that he has gone without notice or discussion, but at the end of the day he is going to a funeral

Portofino · 09/06/2009 13:02

I did have the impression that OP's DH wasn't especially close to his great aunt.

Could I go so far as to say that he unlikely to be so distraught with grief at her passing that he's gone rushing off without thinking. ......

Portofino · 09/06/2009 13:04

Did he say anything last night when he found out?

mylifemykids · 09/06/2009 13:04

If he's had to get an 'emergency' shirt and pants from M&S for the funeral I'm guessing it was a last minute decision for him to go anyway, so when was he supposed to have told you?!

YABU

CarGirl · 09/06/2009 13:04

That's the way I read it Portofino, more of a big family get together, again fair enough, but I don't think a 10 minute run it by the spouse is too much to expect.

Gorionine · 09/06/2009 13:04

I think YABU, His aunty has died he is going to the funeral. It would be totally different if you just "up it" for the night with the DCs, unless it is for a family emergency as well.

Your OP is unclear as to wether he told you at home and went or he went and told you via the phone on his way there. You say there is no emergency as the funeral is not until tomorrow afternoon I think you are forgetting that in a moment like that his family will appreciate him being arround for a bit more than just the actual funeral ceremony.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 13:05

How can my op not be clear? I said there had been not one word of discussion with me, his OH. I think it would be courteous of him to talk to me about it all first before he makes such plans and spends our money.

And no, he wasn't at all close to his great aunt. She was in hospital for weeks, ill with pneumonia. Very old you see, 90+ years old.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/06/2009 13:07

It really wasn't No discussion could mean he just told you he was going and packed.

talbot · 09/06/2009 13:08

Given she only died yesterday, that must be one of the fastest funderals ever.

Gorionine · 09/06/2009 13:10

Not one word of discussion could have meant that he told you "I am leaving to go to my aunt funeral after work and will spend the night there." that is not a discussion, it is a statement. Now I did misunderstand it and I am sorry I did but still think YABU.
Sometimes you go to a funeral for the people left behind, not actually for the dear departed.

Portofino · 09/06/2009 13:11

I'm quite shocked at the responses here. I'm still with the OP on this.

An elderly relative has died, one with whom there was no close relationship. She was presumably elderly and DH is presumably NOT that upset.

All of a sudden this morning, he decides that he is going to funeral. So suddenly he didn't even think about packing before he left for work. He didn't mention ANYHTHING about this previously.

So the first the OP hears about this is when the deed is done, and he's en route to the station. And people think that SHE is BU! .

I'm a cynic, but I'd think someone had rung him this morning and mentioned a big knees up wake, or a get together with old friends in his home town. "Missus can't begrudge you the trip because it's a funeral" etc etc.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/06/2009 13:12

It is, isn't it? Depends how many are waiting. My friend's dad died recently and it will be 2 weeks before there is a 'slot' for him. 2 WEEKS!! It varies so much, from a few days to a few weeks.

Original poster
ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 13:13

Jewish funeral. They do it as fast as possible as per the tradition.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 09/06/2009 13:13

Maybe he knew how you'd reaction and preempted you by telling you he was going and was en-route obviating any need for discussion.

If it was for a social reason like going to get pissed, then I'd be cross; but not for a funeral. It brings home your own mortality when an elderly relative dies. My Nan died in 2006, my Dad in 2001, so on that side of the family it is either me or my brother next.

pooka · 09/06/2009 13:14

Crikey - funerals can take about a week to organise (and get a slot).

I am coming round to your situation a bit more than originally - AIBU by stealth. You didn't say that he was already en-route. I don't understand why it is so last minute - unless because of cultural/religious reasons the funeral has to take place within a day (which can be the case).

I would expect to at least be told (told, not asked) before DH left. Just as a courtesy.

Gorionine · 09/06/2009 13:14

Two weeks ? that is an long time! why? ( I am Swiss and the funeral usually takes place in the next two days following the death)

OrmIrian · 09/06/2009 13:14

Could it be that someone in his family rang today and told him they really wanted him there?

rubyslippers · 09/06/2009 13:15

jewish funeral - ah

then they do need to do it ASAP and there will be paperwork to do very fast

it may even be today?

there is also the 7 official days of mourning to arrange and synagogue to notify so there will be stuff to do

psychomum5 · 09/06/2009 13:15

ahhh.....am reading and understanding properly now ((sorry, painkillers are making me a tad whizzy)).

I am actually thinking YANBU now.

I would espect at least some warning that he is going, and some thought about how I am going to manage at home for a few days.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 09/06/2009 13:15

So many funerals - that's the first day available.

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