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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to discuss the fact that he's going away for the night

79 replies

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 12:27

especially when his train ticket will cost over £100?

His great aunt died yesterday. He's going to the funeral which is 180 miles away. He's decided that he's going to stay the night at his parents and come back the next day.

Not one word of discussion with me, his OH. I think it would be courteous of him to talk to me about it all first before he makes such plans and spends our money.

I know it's good form to go a family funeral and all that. That's not what I'm objecting to. Although he last saw the aunt three years ago by chance when we were visiting his parents. He hardly ever sees her relatives either so it's not as if he's going to support them. I get the feeling it's all about appearing to be the good guy when it's a public occasion.

I'm just annoyed. Perhaps I should take the children away for a night without talking to him about it first and see how he feels. But he'd probably love it! Pah.

OP posts:

pooka · 09/06/2009 13:16

Ah - so there is a religious reason for haste. IN which case, I'm going to go back to YABU I think.... Not sure where I stand on this one. I think I would be a little taken aback if DH didn't tell me before he left. However, I wouldn't say no or expect a discussion of whether he would/should go or not.

scaryteacher · 09/06/2009 13:17

Maybe he's gone to sit shivah for her.

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 13:18

My reaction? But I don't mind him going to the funeral. Why would I mind him going to a funeral.

I simply wanted him to talk to me about what he'd like to do about it all first instead of deciding this, that and the other. And no, they weren't at all close.

She died late last night. He was told on his way to work this morning apparently. They have a stay of the funeral for one day to allow her son who is in America to fly over.

OP posts:

pooka · 09/06/2009 13:18

Gorionine - depnds how busy the crematoria/undertakers/churches are

If a busy time of year (i.e. Dec/Jan/Feb) you can be waiting about 10 days or so. With my grandmother who died last year, I think it was about 8 days from death to funeral. With my grandfathers, one was about 10 days because was winter, the other about 5 days. All depends.....

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 13:18

what ruby said re Jewish funerals

our grandma died early hours friday morning, and was buried by 2pm. it is as rapid as possible. which definitely means your DH had to get going as there is a chance the funeral could actually be held today if the paperwork is done. it would be unusual for it to be delayed more than a day

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 13:20

ah right, they are waiting for her son

well, your DH was right to go immediately. maybe he can be of some practical help

surely when time is of the essence, he is allowed to phone you en route?

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 13:20

sorry, should have said she died a year ago, sounds like i meant friday just gone.

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 13:21

"Could it be that someone in his family rang today and told him they really wanted him there?"

Yes, it could be that but I'm sorry, a quick chat and discussion with wife about anything that needs sorting out at this end first and talking about money issue is not too much to ask.

I'm not angry. I'm just taken aback and miffed rather than angry. Well, annoyed really.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 09/06/2009 13:26

Thanks Pooka.

cat64 · 09/06/2009 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 13:37

you have put it very well, cat64, couldn;t agree more

FlorenceAndtheWashingMachine · 09/06/2009 13:43

His link with his aunt may not be strong but he is supporting his parents and extended family. I think that duty/love trumps money issues here unless you are absolutely flat broke. My DH paid a fortune to visit a good friend who was in ICU last year and we were broke then, but it was worth every penny.

Sorry to come over all amateur psychologist, but do you feel so annoyed with him because he CAN just go without the sky falling in? Could you just go in similar circumstances or would you need to spend hours sorting out cover for kids etc?

Also, this funeral is clearly very important to him and his family but you are to have no part in it. Are you feeling (understandably) shut out?

Portofino · 09/06/2009 13:59

If a member of DH's family died, I would expect him to ask me at least if I wanted to attend as well.....

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 09/06/2009 14:02

YABVVU. One should not need permission to go to a family funeral. It is simply good manners.

megapixels · 09/06/2009 14:05

YABVU. He didn't even know about it when he was home with you, he would have been hurrying up and getting things done in time to catch the train. And he called once he got everything sorted and was on the train. What more do you want? The fact that you don't have much money to spare is not a consideration either, it's not like he can postpone this for when it's a better time for your family financially. It was something done in a hurry, he wouldn't have even seen it as a choice whether to go or not. So he makes the arragements and lets you know. That's how it is when you are in a comfortable relationship with someone. Why do you want the formality of a "discussion" first? There isn't anything to discuss anyway. Would be different if it was a party or something.

callalilies · 09/06/2009 14:06

I also don't see what there was to 'discuss'. If he only found out she died on his way to work this morning, then how could he discuss it with you first? What's to say other than 'I'm on my way, will be gone overnight', or whatever?

Winebeforepearls · 09/06/2009 14:10

You never know, you might get the train fare back in a small legacy?

I think on balance YABU given the speed at which Jewish funerals usually happen. Sorry.

Portofino · 09/06/2009 14:11

I really don't think it is a matter of permission here, more one of manners on his part.

Florence, you raise the point that OP might be jealous because he can go without notice, when she might not be able to. To me that is EXACTLY the reason he should have checked in with her first.

If I had a phone call telling me of a TRUE emergency back home, I couldn't just jump on a train and go. I would have to make arrangements for dd, or take her with me, or check that dh was available to collect her. I'd have to drop the car home, get my passport, check to see if there was enough money in the bank, so that no-one would starve in my absence. I would have to do this EVEN it was my dad, or sister at death's door. Calling my husband to discuss arrangements would also be part of this....

So why should the OPs DH feel that he can just drop everything without mentioning it? Doesn't he have equal responsibilities. As I said before, it is a matter of courtesy!

VinegarTits · 09/06/2009 14:34

YANBU to expect him to discuss it first, if money is tight then he should have discussed whether or not you could afford for him to go, or he should have at least mentioned his plans, i dont think yabu to be miffed about it tbh

scratchet · 09/06/2009 15:28

YANBU i would expect to be put in the picture prior to departure, especially as it is not a close relative. Did he visit the aunt whilst she was poorly? I think £100 is a lot for travel and that doesn't include cost of new shirt, undies and presumeably(sp?!) flowers x

LaurieFairyCake · 09/06/2009 15:43

Think the problem is you're not Jewish OP

to all of us gentiles and people without a flair for the dramatic dashing off to a funeral/purchasing unnecessary shirts in M&S/jumping on a train all look just a touch drama queen for the funeral of an elderly, not close, relative.

To Jewish people though it's all about looking right, attending, sitting shivah, being there for your family.

You are not being reasonable or unreasonable, you are just not understanding the pull of the Jewish family when death happens.

Get used to it, you have loads of others to die

Unicornvomit · 09/06/2009 16:37

it is not just about looking right , it is more about the family, the shiva, the traditions,

it is a huge good deed to attend a funeral ,some synagogues will have people to call upon to attned funerals so that there is the requisite quorum of men there. also, someone has to stay with the deceased at all times, before the burial. the OP's DH might have been drafted in for that for example.

i ahve done that once, in a a hospital, in the wee small hours, next to the morgue. it was possibly the most spooky experience of my life.

so it's not just about the drama

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 16:37

Do you know what Laurie, I think you're right. I can't understand why it has to be all so sudden and dramatic. At least that's how it seems to me.

To be seen doing the right thing is very very important. To me though, the right thing would have been visiting her whilst she was still alive.

The funeral is not until last thing tomorrow afternoon - days are longer so they've got a bit of leeway as to when they can have it in order to give the son from America more time to get here.

His great aunt has a daughter and another son and three grown up grandchildren up there already so DH definitely isn't needed for any of the arranging stuff. And he never ever went to see her whilst she was alive and he doesn't see the other relatives I've just mentioned so I'm not really sure which devastated family member he's supporting. Plus she's been in hospital since the previous weekend having been ill as she's so old. So it's not a shock.

If it were me and a member of my family, the first person I'd call up would be DH to say, "Look this has happened. This is what I'd like or need to do. What do you think? What's going on at home? What about the money?" Whatever the situation. Unless one of the children was choking or something like that.

Obviously a big yawning gap between my expectations and those of DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsGrimUpNorth · 09/06/2009 16:40

Yes, being Orthodox, they need a minyan (minimum ten men) to attend the funeral and sit shiva. They belong to a big shul and a minyan isn't usually a problem to gather together in those circumstances.

OP posts:

bigchris · 09/06/2009 16:44

it does sound like he got caught up in all the duty of it all, and made a quick decicison to go. he was probably more concerned with speedily buying shirts and train tickets than having a proper conversation with you.
I'd let this one go if I were you. Maybe he just wants to spend some time alone with his parents too.

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