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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DH about money I have saved

41 replies

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 21:04

DH is terrible with money, I sort out all bills including his. We havent had a holiday in years as we cant afford it.
I have been squirreling away money for nearly a year now so we can maybe have a holiday next year, or in case an emergency happens. I have saved £650 and he knows nothing about it.

His van died yesterday (he is self employed), we only get old bangers as a) thats all we can afford, b) he has a terrible track record with vehicles.
We've had this van for nearly a year, and its finally given up!

He can get lifts, borrow a van here and there and use my car for a couple of weeks at least, so..........

AIBU to say nothing, as we would manage somehow if I hadnt saved the money, or should I hand it over to go towards a new van?

OP posts:

Doodle2U · 04/06/2009 21:07

Give him half and say nowt about t'other half?

fortyplus · 04/06/2009 21:08

Well I suppose you did include 'in case an emergency happens' in your list of uses for the money, so I think you should tell him, otherwise he will be very resentful when he realises. He should be proud of you for being so sensible.

KathyBrown · 04/06/2009 21:11

This is the emergency you've been saving for, very well done you but you have to give him the money.

TheCrackFox · 04/06/2009 21:21

How much money does he actually need?

Lilyloo · 04/06/2009 21:24

I think this must class as an emergency if he needs it for work ???
Can you not get him another banger for less ?

blueshoes · 04/06/2009 21:24

Well done for saving. Just wondering, if you don't 'fess up to the savings now, how are you going to explain how you got the holiday money, should you decide to use it for a holiday later?

edam · 04/06/2009 21:24

Nah, I say keep quiet. There will always be claims on your purse, don't blow your savings unless it's an emergency.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/06/2009 21:27

well, you really don't want things to be harder workwise than they need to be, do you? So you probably should.

However, once you admit to having saved some money - he will be constantly at you "I know you've got some saved up, haven't you, haven't you, come on, I/we need it for X"

You'd never get any peace.

You could always claim to have got a small loan for it, and get him to repay the loan (plus interest!) [sneaky]

LovelyTinOfSpam · 04/06/2009 21:28

Oooh tricky one.

Thing is if you spring a load of cash from nowhere he will be aware of your secret saving habit and possibly want to dip into it/be reckless in future on the assumption you have dosh hidden away...

Plus I have to say that I always have a little stash away from DH, I don;t know why I have no doubts about him whatsoever, I've just seen so many things that make me think that it's always wise to have a bit put by, especially if you're not earning, just in case...

With the current climate and people desperate to flog vehicles is there any interest free credit going anywhere?

I don't know.

As of course he needs the van for work, to get money for the family, so kind of pretty vital...

Sorry i have no idea. I think Y would not BU to keep your mouth shut, but I have no idea what the best course of action is.

mascaraohara · 04/06/2009 21:30

Has he contributed to the money you've saved, either directly or indirectly?

If so, I really think this should be considered an emergency.

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:04

I am worried if I dont tell him about it now, he may be resentful when I finally tell him, but also, I worry he will think there is more and say he needs it for a better van (which I know he needs) or for something else.

We can probably get a banger for around £500, he has the chance of a pretty decent x reg one for £1000, but he is so crap with maintaining them, and never puts any money away 'in case'.
I know that if I hadnt saved this, then we would get by, as we have in the past, which makes me reluctant to 'fess up.

We have a very honest relationship, so I feel a bit guilty about not saying anything, but on the other hand, I think, well why should I fork it over when he never makes any provision for the future.

Would it be unfair to wait and see what he can get, for how much on what terms, then offer a couple of hundred?
Then I can help the situation and keep some back for hols.

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LovelyTinOfSpam · 04/06/2009 22:08

Are you any good with maintaining van? Could you learn? In your boots I'd not be able to help myself...

Are you saving for holiday then? So he will find out sooner or later, that puts a different spin on things. I suppose you could say you won it or something but if he's dodgy with money that's probably not the brightest idea...

tiredsville · 04/06/2009 22:09

Agree with Edam, keep quite.

mascaraohara · 04/06/2009 22:11

Sorry I really think you should tell him about the money.

Think of it if the boot was on the other foot.. you really need an 'essential' and don't have the money then 6 months later he says "Lets go on holiday, I've saved a grand".. if it were me I'd wonder what else had been saved that I didn't know about.

Tell him you were saving it for a holiday, he might tell you to carry on??

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:11

He is the type to spend on the basis of 'but, we have x being paid next week, I know we're skint now, but transfer some from the direct debit account, and I'll pay it back before its due'.
Whereas I prefer to think, if you havent got it, you cant spend it.
He has also been 'bumped' for jobs in the past, that we were relying on, company gone bust and not paid him.

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OrangeFish · 04/06/2009 22:15

"he is so crap with maintaining them, and never puts any money away 'in case'."

this does it for me... keep quiet about the money, this is not a real emergency because he didn't take care of the vehicle as he should, perhaps not having one for a while will help him to learn to be more responsible.

Now, I wouldn't come next year and say you have savings for the holidays. It is wise to save that money but for a real emergency (someone died, he can't find more clients for months, something related to health, your house has been struck by lightening), to be honest £650 is not even enough for a real emergency so it is a good idea to keep saving just in case, more so if he is the only source of income and he is self employed.

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:17

mascara, I wonder if I tell him now that I have £650, he will wonder what else I have saved, but thats it!
Nearly a whole year of a fiver here and a tenner there, for the princely sum of 650 quid.
And if I tell him I was saving for hols, it wont make any difference.
He wants to go away for 2 weeks this summer, but there's no way we can afford it without getting provi loan or something extortionate.

OP posts:

motherpi · 04/06/2009 22:22

No, no, no - do not tell him about the money!

I am of the belief that every woman needs a 'running away' fund, however happy and stable her relationship is. By that I mean a fund for real emergencies.

However, if this is simply a holiday fund, you should hand over at least part of it.

If you are going to keep secret savings, then they need to stay secret. Always. Otherwise you are damaging the trust between you.

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:23

Orange, he has always been crap, but it seems this time wasnt entirely his fault. Has been putting oil and water in, but the oil pump broke, so no oil getting to the engine (no oil light on) and the engine has seized.

Spam, no I am pretty useless with mechanics, and why should I take care of that for him too? I do nearly everything else.

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LovelyTinOfSpam · 04/06/2009 22:24

Phew I feel for you betty.

Can you take over the family finances entirely or wouldn't he have it? Some of my friends with OHs like yours hold the purse strings, sounds harsh but it works for them, as the OHs know they are rubbish...

I don't know what to say.

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:26

I suppose it never started out as a holiday fund, more an emergency thing.I mean a real emergency thing that could destroy us, or take us years to recover from.
Im just sick of never having a holiday

OP posts:

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:30

I do hold the purse strings spam, trouble is, he sometimes gets paid cash and not all of it finds its way home, and he thinks its fine to take cash out of my purse for petrol etc, which tbh I have never minded, but pisses me off when its just frittered.

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notsoteenagemum · 04/06/2009 22:31

No don't tell I have a £1500 inheritance that dh knows nothing about and he's not crap with money, he's loads better than me actually.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 04/06/2009 22:37

Well you and he are doing your best really, I always am impressed with men who accept that they are crap and hand over the wages.

My gut feeling is don't tell him, explore all the other options first. And learn how to maintain vans?!

Original poster

BettySwollux · 04/06/2009 22:42

Thanks all, have decided to keep my mouth shut for now and see if he comes up with his own solution.

OP posts:

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