To not tell DH about money I have saved

[BettySwollux]

DH is terrible with money, I sort out all bills including his. We havent had a holiday in years as we cant afford it.
I have been squirreling away money for nearly a year now so we can maybe have a holiday next year, or in case an emergency happens. I have saved £650 and he knows nothing about it.

His van died yesterday (he is self employed), we only get old bangers as a) thats all we can afford, b) he has a terrible track record with vehicles.
We've had this van for nearly a year, and its finally given up!

He can get lifts, borrow a van here and there and use my car for a couple of weeks at least, so..........

AIBU to say nothing, as we would manage somehow if I hadnt saved the money, or should I hand it over to go towards a new van?

BettySwollux - I think you are doing the right thing. This is an inconvenience, it is not an emergency. Save it (and keep saving) for a real emergency.

As for the holiday - why don't you start a 'holiday fund' that he knows about. Later on you can always start adding a little bit from the emergency fund if you want to.

I agree with the other wise poster who said it must always stay a secret or else you break the trust (some would argue that you've already done that... but in your situation I would be doing the same as you!!).

I don't think women need a running away fund, and actually I personally think that this is a breach of trust. You are diverting some of your shared funds to a secret place, whatever the purpose. Wouldn't it be better to confront the real issue and allow your partner to become more responsible with his money? (I speak as one whose DH is also not great with money, but we have a system that I run our finances, and all money goes into one account, with a separate savings account for certain funds. DH now always discusses our finances with me before making a purchase, so that I can point out the upcoming outgoings he hasn't considered).

And it may not be about keeping it secret... my exh was soooooooo disorganised that he didn't even notice the money was piling up in my account... he was very pleased the day I came and said... have you noticed we have saved £20,000 this year? (We had a -living- -as- -squats-very bad year as students that taught us to live with very little money, and not much time to re adjust to our improved economical situation once we both had jobs... hence the ridiculous high sum, we had pretty average salaries)

I knew the money was piling up there, he thought I had not noticed either...

I think that calling it runaway fund it is inappropiate, it is a fund to keep you going if your husband dies tomorrow or if he decides to leave without paying maintenance for the children.

Funny that I say this... although I was always in charge of the savings, half of the so called runaway fund was used to furnish exh's new house . It certainly allowed us to have a good start after we break up.

I wouldn't tell someone whose financial literacy is so low that they think Provi loans are a good idea.

What I would do is sit him down and tell him that you are going to open an emergency savings account and that 10% (or whatever) of every penny he earns is going to go into it.

If you just turn around and provide a solution, that enables him to keep thinking that's the way life works out; that money just drops from the sky when you need it.

I don't think you should tell him that you have that much. You've admitted yourself you'll get by.
If you really feel he would need some money to upgrade his vehicle, tell him you managed to save a couple of hundred for emergencies (and just don't mention the £400 for holiday til you want to talk about holidays)

I don't think this is breaking trust. You really want to have a family holiday and are working towards that. I think you deserve your holidy.

well if your DH can't work without a van then its a no brainer isn't it ? It's OK to spend money if it helps you make more money.In any case he'll be able to write the cost of the van off as a capital allowance against tax over the next few years.

Thanks for all new replies. We were talking last night and he is saying he really needs a holiday this year, he has been working 6 sometimes 7 days a week lately (sometimes just 1 job a day) and he is knackered. We dont get much time together as a family for various reasons (work, DS1 spreading his wings and wanting to be with his mates instead of us, commitment to visit parents, etc).
I suggested a long weekend away amd save for proper holiday next year, but he is unwilling to wait.
We will manage with the van, talked about jobs he has on over next couple of weeks, and it seems we will be fine. He will manage with my car and lifts till then.
So I'm glad I havent told him about my secret fund, or it would be used by now.

I'm thinking I might bo to bingo one night and say Ive won £500 and put that towards holiday, keep the remaining £150 secret and keep adding to it.

Does that sound really sneaky?
I dont lie to him, but on this occasion I feel I have to save him from himself IYSWIM.

DP is crap at saving and like you I put a bit by for holidays/emergencies. Now last year he was made redundant and during the months after the redundancy pay had all gone, on furnishing our new home, having a holiday and buying the essentials like a ps3 we still managed to have a very good life as I had my savings. I did fess up to dp and instead of being on my case every time he needed something now he is back working he adds to the savings. He saw that there are always times when we can use that bit extra.

So imho i would fess up

I think if you go with the bingo thing you cross the line from withholding money for everyone's benefit to telling actual lies, though.

Lots of women here work self-employed

If they needed something essential for their work and their husband's refused to let them have the money, there would be uproar!

You have the money, he needs it. Sorry.

I have always stashed away money without telling my husband. Years ago, I had planned on taking a year out from work and going to Australia for a year, which he was very keen on doing too.

I kept saving and I had saved enough for us both to live on for a few months in case we didn't get jobs. I made the mistake of telling him how much I had saved, which gave him a shock - he then insisted on using it to buy a house instead.

Eventually we bought a house, but I was quite angry we didn't go to Australia and wished I had kept quiet. Next, house prices spiralled upwards out of control, interest rates plummeted and we managed to pay our mortgage in 5 years - thanks to the "deposit" I had saved! We were mortgage-free at 32, whereas we would be paying until we're 60 if we had gone and bought a year later. And Australia will always be there.

I really don't know what to advise you - I would have given myself the wrong advice years ago on hindsight! I'm worried about the fact your DH needs his van for work, I think I would tell him this time - but not about future stashes!!!

i know how you feel my DH is the same, only he can see my savings, and he is reckless with his money as he thinks "well theres always this in savings.."

i would say ur mum has offered to pay for repair/replacement?

Oh, Im gonna have to tell him, and he can choose to use it on either a van or a holiday.
Cant stand the secrecy anymore.

It was ok not saying anything when we didnt need it, but everytime we talk about money I feel guilty knowing it's there.

Mango, you're absolutely right about the bingo lie, I probably would have come clean if Id said it anyway, Im such a crap liar!

Thanks for the advice all .

I think you are doing the right thing.I don't think having secrets from your husband is a very good idea

I can only imagine, was I with someone, that I would have no problem whatsoever keeping my savings tally to myself. Yes, there are certain amounts I would 'fess up to such as that contributed to a mutual fund for holiday and emergencies etc but the rest of my secret stash would remain exactly that, a secret.

I hate people putting pressure on me when it comes to money and worse still making me feel obliged to lend or gift them some.

Private savings act as a security buffer and it should actually makes one feel more responsible as a person, a parent and if applicable, a partner.

p.s the Bingo untruth sounds great. For those non-gamblers out there, you could say you won a One-Poll competition instead