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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my child to not be punished by withdrawl of food in his first week at nursery?

85 replies

Ozziesmom · 04/06/2009 18:06

I would really appreciate some fedback here! DH and I have just collected DS (just 2) following his third day at nursery to find him playing unsupervised in a room on his own while other children and staff played together in another. This was quite upsetting as he is normally a very sociable child, I don't have issue with this but am setting the scene!

We were then told (by a child) that DS had been naughty and wasn't allowed a yogurt. Indeed this was the first thing he said to us when we saw him. A member of staff told us that he had not been allowed a yogurt for dessert as he had taken two sandwiches instead of one.

I am angry because, firstly, this is his first week, he does not know the "rules" yet- secondly he has just turned two and this is definately normal two year old behaviour! which, yes I agree needs challeging but I thought that withholding food is a big "no no" it is not something we do at home.

Not only this he was clearly made to sit with the group who were all well aware that he was not allowed to eat with them, which I know would have been very upsetting to him- he is still forming relationships there.
Sorry about the ramble I am so upset I could cry! am I being overprotective and unreasonable? There was nothing in the nursery policy to suggest this would be a form of sanction?

OP posts:
LovelyTinOfSpam · 04/06/2009 18:10

YANBU I would be really upset too. DD not nursery age yet but she's going in sept when she will be just 2 and I wouldn't be at all happy with either the food thing or the being separated thing.

rubyslippers · 04/06/2009 18:10

i would be furious

the punishment is utterly unacceptable in every way - the isolation and the withdrawal of food

the thing to do is ask him to put a sandwich back and wait until seconds is offered - it isn;t even "Naughty" behaviour

speak to the manager first thing and ask for their reasoning as to such a ridiculous and harsh punishment

i would have to say if this happened to my DS i would be looking at moving him ASAP as it is clearly OTT

rubyslippers · 04/06/2009 18:11

did you challenge the staff member who told you that this has happened?

DS has been at nursery for ages and he has never been refused food or isolated. If children are removed from a situation a member of staff is kept with them ...

ScummyMummy · 04/06/2009 18:12

No- it sounds shit! Poor ds and poor you. 2 is still a baby and he's finding his feet in a totally new environment. If they didn't want him to have two sandwiches they should have taken one of them back. And maybe he was hungry. Oh dear. Do hope this is one off and not indicative of crap attitude from nursery. Do the staff seem nice? Can you talk to them about how upset you are and ask if this is their standard practice or if they were having a bad day?

StealthPolarBear · 04/06/2009 18:13

yes I agree - what he did wasn't even naughty - just part of learning manners. e.g. DS is 2 and still eats with his mouth open. When he's a bit older, we'll try to teach him not to, but atm he's too young to get it!

Greensleeves · 04/06/2009 18:13

why couldn't he have two sandwiches fgs?

Miserable cheapskates. And really really mean, to take away a 2yo's yoghurt and let all the others have one in front of him.

find a better nursery

KingCanuteIAm · 04/06/2009 18:13

You are being overprotective but not unreasonable. 2yos will ot hold the fact he took two sandwiches against him, they don't think that way so don't worry about his social side with it!

However, removing his dessert if this is one of the first few times he has been told to take one sandwich is over the top and unfair on a child his age.

I am not sure about the seperate room thing, do you mean a room away from the others or another part of the same room? If he was really alone then you should report it, it is very dangerous and against the rules in lots of ways. Ostracising is also not a way to discipline a toddler and Ofsted would be very interested if that is the norm!

HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/06/2009 18:13

Terrible. I firmly believe that food should not be used for punishment or reward, as it can set you up for a lifetime of emotional ties to / problems with food.

He's just turned 2 - even if they had TOLD him about this rule, do they really expect a 2 year old to retain that information?

Fools.

Buda · 04/06/2009 18:13

OMG! That is bloody ridiculous for a 2 year old. I would be having strong words. So bloody what if he took 2 sandwiches! He's 2!

amidaiwish · 04/06/2009 18:13

no, YANBU. totally inappropriate. alarm bells would be ringing personally.

StealthPolarBear · 04/06/2009 18:14

yes, I agree - if he wants a second sandwich he should have it. Only thing he should be told not to do is snatch it. Even then the punishment is far too harsh for the "crime"

dalek · 04/06/2009 18:14

Ridiculous behaviour by the nursery - you don't withold food from 2 year olds - you explain to them - you have every right to be upset.

When dd was at nursery we said she wasn't allowed beef (height of BSE scare) - they assured us that they didn't serve it. Gave the children chocolate mousse but as it has gelatin in it they didn't allow dd to have it - they offered her pineapple instead which she refused - even that incident upset me to the point of tears so I can only imagine how upset you must be.

Meglet · 04/06/2009 18:16

sounds like a crap nursery . I cant imagine DS's nursery doing anything like that. How can they seriously expect a 2 year old to understand he can only have one sandwich.

dilemma456 · 04/06/2009 18:20

Message withdrawn

psychomum5 · 04/06/2009 18:22

that is dreadful behaviour on the nurserys part, I would be utterly furious

you do not ever treat a 2yr old like that. if that is the 'punishment' for taking an extra sandwich, heaven forbid other pretty normal 2yr old behaviours like biting and puching and shoving, or even getting down from the table before they should..........what would the punishment be then??

I have to say, if this were my child, I would complain and pull my DS/DD out!

frasersmummy · 04/06/2009 18:23

thats ridiculous... I would definatly be having a strong word with the manager

no way should a 2 year old be left unsupervised.

Bless him he was either hungry or they waved a plate full of sandwiches in front of him and expected him to "know" he was only "allowed one"

what kind of nursery only allows one sandwich anyway??? ds's nursery always seems to have loads for seconds or even thirds!

JoPie · 04/06/2009 18:27

I've worked in nurseries, and would never act in such a manner, wrong on so many levels.

@dalek- wouldn't you say that the nursery was right in that instance though? I mean if you say no beef, I would assume you meant no beef products at all, and would have not have given your child the mousse. I would have tried to find a better subsitute, but we have to stick to the letter of parents rules or face serious trouble.

spicemonster · 04/06/2009 18:28

Do you know what? I would take him out and not give notice. I feel so, so strongly that the patterns we lay down around food in those early years are so crucial that any nursery that uses food as punishment/reward is an inappropriate place to care for young children. If they do that, I dread to think what other sanctions they will place on more serious transgressions. What if he hits another child? Are they going to deny him lunch or lock him in a cupboard? Vile.

FabulousBakerGirl · 04/06/2009 18:30

Let me get this straight

forget this terrible thing this tiny child was meant to have done but

he was alone in a room?

He wsa denied food because he took two sandwiches?

This was told to you by who and with any sense or the embarrassment they must surely feel?

If it was me, he would not be going back and I would be speaking to OFSTED in all honesty.

GColdtimer · 04/06/2009 18:30

YANBU, talk to the manager about your concerns. I would have been really cross.

SameBoatAsYou · 04/06/2009 18:35

Not sure if it is ture or not but I have been told by DDs nursery that they are not allowed to withhold food (as a punishment or otherwise).

I am not sure whether it is a legal/ofsted rule or not.

burningupinspeed · 04/06/2009 18:38

That is shit, utterly appalling, I would not send him back there at all - and yes speak to OFSTED.

My 19 month old regularly has seconds at nursery, always has a pudding offered regardless of anything else and no exclusion takes place at all. He is happy and secure there. Your poor DS, and poor you. Have you spoken to the manager?

carocaro · 04/06/2009 18:48

That is totally our of order. Write a letter explaining you are not happy and the reasons why and see what they have to say. DS2 is 2 and is at nursery and I have never heard anything so stupid. Perhaps the manager is unware of this, at any rate this is not good, you are paying them to look after your child and no yoghurt for taking 2 sarnies is bonkers.

Original poster
Ozziesmom · 04/06/2009 18:49

Thanks for the feedback guys
the manager just called and said that it was definately not policy and that she would be speaking to the staff members involved(!)
NB We were told by the two members of staff that were there that they did not agree with withholding food but had to go along with their manager!
She also (the manager) said to DH on the phone that they do refuse dessert to older children who mess about at the table (bearing in mind they are only there till they are 5!)
I must mention incase I wasn't clear that I do not know that he was intentionally excluded and isolated from the group, rather that it was upsetting to see and not something I would expect him to do.
Ironically DS just woke from a nap and cried asking to go back to nursery lol!

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 04/06/2009 18:55

Hmm... that doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it? Them all blaming each other. And the dessert-refusing thing seems a bit 1930s to me anyway.

Any other nurseries in the area?

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