To expect my child to not be punished by withdrawl of food in his first week at nursery?

[Ozziesmom]

I would really appreciate some fedback here! DH and I have just collected DS (just 2) following his third day at nursery to find him playing unsupervised in a room on his own while other children and staff played together in another. This was quite upsetting as he is normally a very sociable child, I don't have issue with this but am setting the scene!

We were then told (by a child) that DS had been naughty and wasn't allowed a yogurt. Indeed this was the first thing he said to us when we saw him. A member of staff told us that he had not been allowed a yogurt for dessert as he had taken two sandwiches instead of one.

I am angry because, firstly, this is his first week, he does not know the "rules" yet- secondly he has just turned two and this is definately normal two year old behaviour! which, yes I agree needs challeging but I thought that withholding food is a big "no no" it is not something we do at home.

Not only this he was clearly made to sit with the group who were all well aware that he was not allowed to eat with them, which I know would have been very upsetting to him- he is still forming relationships there.
Sorry about the ramble I am so upset I could cry! am I being overprotective and unreasonable? There was nothing in the nursery policy to suggest this would be a form of sanction?

YANBU
If he wants 2 sandwiches then he should be allowed 2 sandwiches. He is 2. I don't know any 2 year olds who overeat so I can't see why wanting an extra sandwhich is wrong.
I would be finding a new nursery.

Bless him.....I agree with what everyone else has said, and would be kicking ass severely over this.

I am cross on your behalf and your ds's. That is terrible and in his first week too. My ds (also just 2) has been at two nurserys in his short life. I removed him from the first as I came to collect early one day and I could hear him crying before I could see the baby room. When I got there he wasn't in baby room but was in the sleeping room, standing up in his cot screaming. When I asked what he was doing there on his own , they said he had hit another child and was in there to "calm Down" . he was about 13 months at the time. I walked away very upset and nearly cried all the way home. I handed in notice on the Monday and moved him to a fantastic nursery where he still is now. I still think about it and wish I had confronted staff member at time but I couldn't at time as I would have cried trying to speak (stupid i know). This sort of practise would set alarm bells ringing for me too and is certainly not normal practice for most nurseries. Please don't do what I did (nothing) and voice your concerns to manager to get her reaction and that should help you decide. (ie. if she plays it down or thinks you are making a fuss of nothing, then I do not think they have the childrens best )interests at heart.

Ozziesmum agree with everything that others have posted here. The nursery my DC's go to would firmly tell the child that s/he should not have taken an additional sandwich but further sanctions to that would not have been taken.

They have a great behaviour management policy (and in fact one of the staff is designated behaviour managemetn specialist) which centres around praising and incentivising good behaviour (e.g. they have Star Bear), talking about bad behaviour (with emphasis on behaviour rather than the child) but no explicit punishments for bad behaviour apart from pointing it out at the time, although they might have a word with the parent.

I would be very concerned firstly with their reaction to the behaviour but secondly with the lack of compasion and understanding they've shown to a child who is settling in and needs extra support.

Bloody hell. I work in childcare and this is really wrong. Have some serious words with the nursery manager, don't take him back and phone OFSTED. I know that sounds extreme but that just would not happen at nurseries I've worked at (and I've worked at some crap ones!)

YANBU. I do supply work and none of the nuseries I.ve workd in would punish a child by withdrawng food. also they usually hand ot the food to the children rather then leting them take it. I would complain to the mamager.

I'm sure you are really worried about this.

I have recently removed both my DC from nursery because of concerns about their care. If you have concerns, you need to follow your gut instinct.

It sounds very very wrong to me.

Did they not give him a yoghurt because they thought he would be full after 2 sandwiches? So being practical (and maybe a bit tight with the yoghurt) rather than punishing him.

It's the only explanation I can think of.

Anyway, you can't shift him every time something like this happens - you would be moving him each month. Look at the big picture - it's a settling in process for everyone. Work with the nursery and make helpful suggestions.

I have to disagree about not moving him, mainly because of the staff's behaviour after the complaint. All this blaming each other. It sounds very familiar to me. I have worked in a nursery where this was happening everyday! The manager would tell us one stupid rule after the next, or other staff would repeatedly behave in inappropriate ways yet there sole purpose in life seemed to be to complain about me. It all get very childish and in the end I had to leave.

having a group of women all aged under 30 in one room working together just doesn't work. They all have different views on childcare (though I was the only one that was a parent).

Anyway, I've gotten off track. If they are not working together or foloowing the same rules, you have a bad atmosphere, the children do pick up on it.

I don't like nuseries in general but I know you can find a better one than this.

YANBU! They have behaved appallingly both during the incident and during the aftermath. I would certainly move him as you are going to find it hard to trust them.

I'm unclear, was he in a different room on his own or just in a different part of the same room where he could still be supervised by the staff?

Agree with everyone else re witholding food. Petty and poor practise.

Are the staff in the room blaming the manager's policy or is there are 'Head of Room' they are all blaming? iyswim.

OMG! Just read this thread and would be upset/angry/horrified if this had happened to me. He's 2 FGS! They should have explained that he's only meant to take one and said "don't worry today, but let's see if you can remember to just take 1 tomorrow" and actually REWARDED him if he remember to do so!! Is there a higher authority you could take the issue to? Personally, if practical, I'd put him into another, more caring, nursery and tell them exactly why. I feel for you as a mum because I know how I'd feel - you sound like a very caring mum. Good luck.

YANBU, I would take him out, kick a fuss with the nursery manager and call OFSTED!

That is shocking behaviour from nursery staff. I would agree with others about looking for alternative childcare and reporting this to OFSTED. My ds (not quite 2) has swiped food off other children?s plates at the table at nursery before ? I dread to think what they?d do to deal with my little rascal at your nursery.

wrong, wrong, wrong on so mant levels

I work in a nursery and bad practice like this makes me so mad

firstly, food should never be used as a punishment

secondly, no child should be made to feel different from the others, it paves the way for all sorts of self-esteem and behavioural issues

thirdly, nurseries should have behavior management policies that everyone follows, consistency is the key when dealing with children

fourthly, you have actually paid for that yoghurt, how can they not give it to him?

Take him out, they sound like a badly run nursery

I think you're doing the right thing taking him out until you can have a meeting. Insist on it being all the staff involved and the manager, so there can be no blame put on someone not there.

I have to agree with the many others though, this would give me a bad feeling about the place in general, and I doubt I'd be going back. They should be making extra effort to help him settle in, not behaving like this!

I would change nurseries-it makes you wonder what else they do.

My child would not be going back,although mine didn't start nursery until they were 3+ but if they would have been treated as you've stated i would have withdrawn them,no questions.

personally i wouldn't be bothering with a meeting and such.
i would just take him out. not acceptable.
no notice either. just remove him. any threat of penalty re fees i would tell them you're informing ofsted.

I would be wanting all people who had anything to do with your ds in that meeting and prepare some questions before you go in. and look at other nurserys in your area. I can only jump up and down and wave my arms at you to say this is not normal. my ds nursery would never do this and i certainly would not be happy to leave him there if they did.

I think this is awful.Surely sensible course fof action would be for them to have said "Just have 1 sandwich at a time" instead of all the ott sabctions and isolating him.

I would be finding another nursery.Totally OTT reprimand.

I agree with everyone else - terrible all round

There are lovely nurseries out there but this isn't one of them.

Maybe this expectation of self-control is typical of Montessori(?) (saw another thread about them yesterday that had concerns) but this could be the manager's instruction and the key workers interpretation of it (that's what is sounds like to me anyway). I would want clarification about meal times and about how they discipline 2yr olds.

Time out/away with an adult to calm down ok, direct supervision/distraction/explanation much better, but time out unsupervised definitely not ok.

re the threat of penalty fees. I have taken my son out of a crap nursery before and they even said "If you want to pull him out, we can forget the 4 weeks notice thing!".

They new they were in the wrong and had no right to charge me and did what they could to weasle out of any responsabilty.

I had a problem on similar lines with DS at nursery. I collected him one day and he burst into tears saying he had not been allowed pudding as had not finished his dinner?

Anyway, I went to speak to them and we sorted it. Turned out that after dinner they offerred seconds, which he kept asking for and not finishing, so they started on the "If you ask for and don't finish seconds then no pudding". This did NOT happen on the first occassion he did not finish though.

I asked them to explain it more clearly to him BEFORE offering seconds, and I also spoke to him, and we had no problems after that He was asked if he was VERY sure he wanted more, told what was for pudding and asked to make the decision did he want both. It worked and was a good lesson.

He loved his nursery and was very sad to leave when school started.