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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really unhappy that rich cousin constantly invites us on holidays that we cannot afford?

37 replies

MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:01

Sorry this is a long one

My cousin and her husband work in the City and make loads of money. She knows very well that while DH and I make decent money, there is no way this will stretch to expensive holidays abroad every other weekend, particularly as we have a DD.

But despite this she constantly invites us to join them on holidays where we are expected to pay through the nose for very expensive hotels, restaurants etc. We did go on holiday with them once (before DD) and were broke for months afterwards. So now, we just say, sorry can't go etc.

However, I have recently found out that she has been complaining about us to one of our other relatives, saying how mean we are and what spoilsports we are, and how we don't care about them, and how 'smug' we have become after having DD etc. Plus, she always rubs her holidays in my face, putting pics up with comments like 'M don't you wish you were here' etc. She knows very well that we just can't afford the lifestyle, yet takes pleasure in rubbing our noses in it.

DH thinks I should just ignore it, but its been getting on my nerves. I can't just cut ties with her as she's family, and if I did, the rest of our family would see me as a troublemaker. She also expects to come up to see us whenever she pleases, usually with no notice, and then expects to be waited on head and foot!

I just don't know what to do and am at my wit's ends. Why is she doing this to me?

OP posts:
Kayteee · 01/06/2009 18:06

Invite them on a cheap camping holiday with you instead.

Unicornvomit · 01/06/2009 18:09

i would be blunt and say

'thanks for inviting us, unfortunately, much as we would love to come with, we simply can;t afford it'

if the invitations are purely to be spiteful about them being 'considerably richaaaaaar than yaaaaaaaaouuuuu' (herry enfield stylee) then that is horrible

agree with kaytee to invite them on a cheap holiday!

is there any chance she is a bit of you having a dd?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 01/06/2009 18:09

there's no shame in saying "We cannot afford it"

And I'd be saying to that relative how cruel it is that your cousin keeps inviting you on things that she knows you cannot afford.

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:09

I've tried that... we live in a lovely part of the country. But cousin is really high maintenence and she has never accepted! And TBH, I don't know if I could take the whining for the entire holiday

OP posts:
JonAndHate · 01/06/2009 18:10

She's jealous.

She wants to have a baby but is worried about how it will affect her lifestyle.

She feels down and unsure of her life path everytime she leaves your home because she doesn't have a DD/DH as interesting, funny, heart warming (add relevant adjective here) as you do.

So to make herself feel better she rubs it in.

And instead of accepting your loathing for what it really is, she thinks YOU are jealous of her (which you might be a little bit).

Yours,
S. Freud

JonAndHate · 01/06/2009 18:13

Oh forgot to say:

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

You know better than her... erm, hmm, aah, 'silly thinking'(?!)

Kayteee · 01/06/2009 18:13

Agree, she's the insecure/jealous one.

Ok. Butlins it is then?

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:14

Unicorn, I don't know. She certainly doesn't do anything with DD when she's at ours. They expect us to give up our bed for them (which is a production, as DD sleeps in the same room, so it means moving cot, and us sleeping on a mattress in the living room), then wake up at 10, 11 AM, expect breakfasts, to be taken out etc, the whole shebang. And the last time she was here, she complained that DD woke her up with her crying (my DD is a notoriously bad sleeper) I don't know why she's putting me through this. Does she want me to blow up and say things I know I'll regret?

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 01/06/2009 18:14

You need to be blunt and polite and just say "oooh yes that sounds fab, we can't afford it though. See you when you get back!"

and then arrange a holiday on your budget and invite them along too. Maybe she just wants to go on holiday with you but hasn't really got a clue that you can't afford it?

My sister's best friend, who's been friends with her since they where babies, is a billionaire, she simply doesn't understand tthe line "I can't afford it" and is always inviting my sister on expensive holidays. My sis just gracioudly declines and arranges affordable get togethers instead

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:15

I am jealous of her... sometimes when DD wakes up at 12, 2, 4 AM... who wouldn't be envying the lifestyle she has

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 01/06/2009 18:16

How about, next time she invites you, say in a joking way "oooh are you paying?" with a big grin.

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:17

Hmmm, now I never thought of that

OP posts:
alicet · 01/06/2009 18:19

YANBU to be fed up with this situation.

You are however unreasonable for moving out of your room when they come to stay especially as it involves moving your dd too!!! Maybe just maybe she behaves like a petulant child around you about this because in some small way you let her?

I would sit her down and be completely frank with her. Tell her that you have heard that she is upset and feels like you are rejecting her by not going on holiday. But that quite simply you cannot afford it and are not likely to be able to in the near future. If she wants to go away with you then she will have to go on a holiday that you can afford. Tell her you are happy to make some suggestions and she would be very welcome to come if she wishes but there is no way you will be able to come on 'her' holidays. You could end with something to the effect of 'of course if it is true that you are upset that we are not spending time together then it's not the location that matters is it?' and then watch her backtrack!

ellingwoman · 01/06/2009 18:19

Just forget it. I'd feel sorry for her so don't be mean just let it slide off you. And why do people have close relationships with their cousins unless they have common interests? Sod family ties.

I only see mine at funerals and dp can't even remember if he's got any cousins or not.

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:22

Alicet, you are right and I shouldn't let her walk all over me! But the hardest thing is that she expects it as her right and I honestly believe that she doesn't see anything wrong in it. She has always been the favoured one of the family, and if I dared say/ do anything to upset her, several of my family would be mad at me. I thought I had got over the inferiority complex, but having talked to this relative really brought it all back, and I am again quite upset!

OP posts:
sobanoodle · 01/06/2009 18:22

What Over said; i mean if she's as wealthy as you suggest and wants to holiday with you, then really she should offer to pay for all or part of the trips, or understand when you say no !

Also maybe she is jealous of your being a mum...as others have said. I have 4 dcs. had, sadly, to stop seeing one of my oldest friends after years of comments about the glam hols she and her dh took, followed up by comments about "little ankle biters" etc cramping our style. Slowly eased off contact as it all got awkward. She has remained childless and still takes a lavish amount of foreign holidays each year, but I know which way round I'd rather have it.

Kayteee · 01/06/2009 18:24

Did you know each other as kids? If you did, what was the relationship like between you then?

clumsymum · 01/06/2009 18:25

Are you sure she understands that you can't afford it?

I think you should be very flattered that she wants your company so much.

I also think you should be honest with her, explain that you and dh aren't in such high-flying roles, and what with having a child (the most underrated expense I've ever encountered), unfortunately you just can't afford to go with them, much as you would love to.

You never know, once you put it to her like that, she and her dp might invite you on a trip at their expense. It should at least stop them from continually asking you along on expensive jaunts.

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:29

Kayteee, we grew up together, as we all lived in an extended joint family (we're Indian). While I was not an underachiever by any means, she was the golden child. It didn't really matter when we were kids, but as we grew older my priorities were definitely very different... I was not as much into money and stuff, plus I married out of the community (DH is white). But what get my goat is that she deliberately seems to want to wind me up and while I take it all nicely, inside me I just feel like I want to explode. DH, not having the extended family I did, doesn't really understand.

OP posts:
Portofino · 01/06/2009 18:32

I agree that she is probably jealous. You do need to firm with her though. It is not nice of her to slag you off to other family members when she surely appreciates you don't have us much spare cash as her.

I know it can be hard. DHs best friend was a completely average Joe when they first met up. Now he is huge in IT in the States(has been to dinner with Bill Gates) and has a high maintenance Californian wife. Meet ups with them have traditionally always cost a fortune. When in London for example they always stay in the poshest hotels, so we've pushed the boat out on the odd occasion - though always enjoyed it .

Last time we saw them, 2 years ago, we flew to their (gorgeous) house in Texas. That would have been plenty for me. HM wife insisted we went to NY for a few days to stay at the Waldorf Astoria . Told DH we could not afford that. He wanted to be with his mate, and wouldn't let me book somewhere cheaper. It was fab, but we are STILL paying of the credit card bill

This summer HM wife will be in the same bit of France as us at the same time and suggested we meet up. I told her she was more than welcome to come and spend a few nights in our Mobile Home . Her reply gave the link to the posh spa type place she will be frequenting and suggested meeting for lunch.....

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:37

Ooohh, spa

OP posts:
Kayteee · 01/06/2009 18:41

for you and sorry if I sounded a bit flippant earlier.

I had a cousin who was the golden one too! I get on with her really well now because I actually managed to tell her, as an adult, how I had always felt inferior to her as she was so "gifted" and got all the praise. She was really shocked and sorry about it as she hadn't noticed the attention she'd been getting herself. Maybe your relatives are the ones who are responsible partly for your
resentment (if that's what it is). Perhaps if you were to write her a letter, if you feel you can't talk to her, you may be pleasantly surprized by her response. At least you'd know more where you stand, even if she replies in a negative way.

Sorry, waffled there.

JonAndHate · 01/06/2009 18:44

Sorry about your DD poor sleep.

Your cousin does sound completely clueless but you might be letting her get away with it (without even realising) and that won't help her come back down to Earth iyswim.

Or maybe she just likes to remind you that she's still the better one (in her eyes anyway).

Take the upper hand and start treating her like the clueless person she portrays. ie spell it it out very simply, carefully and slowly why you can't meet her demands.

Original poster
MichKit · 01/06/2009 18:45

Kayteee, no you didn't sound flippant at all. And you're right, I just wish I could muster up enough courage to actually do it. I am a very non-confrontational person (comes from having lived in a very loud family), so having to tell someone something that they don't want to hear scares me like anything!!

OP posts:
JonAndHate · 01/06/2009 18:46

Kaytee's suggestions do sound a lot more sensible and grown up than mine!

And I too apologise for being a bit silly

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