to be really unhappy that rich cousin constantly invites us on holidays that we cannot afford?

[MichKit]

Sorry this is a long one

My cousin and her husband work in the City and make loads of money. She knows very well that while DH and I make decent money, there is no way this will stretch to expensive holidays abroad every other weekend, particularly as we have a DD.

But despite this she constantly invites us to join them on holidays where we are expected to pay through the nose for very expensive hotels, restaurants etc. We did go on holiday with them once (before DD) and were broke for months afterwards. So now, we just say, sorry can't go etc.

However, I have recently found out that she has been complaining about us to one of our other relatives, saying how mean we are and what spoilsports we are, and how we don't care about them, and how 'smug' we have become after having DD etc. Plus, she always rubs her holidays in my face, putting pics up with comments like 'M don't you wish you were here' etc. She knows very well that we just can't afford the lifestyle, yet takes pleasure in rubbing our noses in it.

DH thinks I should just ignore it, but its been getting on my nerves. I can't just cut ties with her as she's family, and if I did, the rest of our family would see me as a troublemaker. She also expects to come up to see us whenever she pleases, usually with no notice, and then expects to be waited on head and foot!

I just don't know what to do and am at my wit's ends. Why is she doing this to me?

That's why I wrote a letter. I found it a lot easier as I could take my time and say exactly what I wanted without the stress of actual confrontation. You could try writing one but not sending it as a trial.

I do apologise...

Sensible and grown-up, moi? ...well that's a first for me!!

The thing is that when you have family with massively different incomes it is always going to be difficult for everyone unless you are close enough to be really really open about it.
We went to have lunch together with my family recently and two of my BILs have no work and no income.
Dh was really agitated all afternoon because he wanted to figure out how to offer to pay without offending them. We were equally aware that if we didn't offer it would look really mean. Kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't really.

I think she is absoloutely right to invite you as it would be smug and rude to assume that you can't afford to come. But she is completely out of order to then be rude and whiney about your reasons and the gloaty messages are just vile.

But I agree with Kaytee that rather than stressing it may be better to write to her. She may feel that you are being smug about haveing adorable DC . She may be very jealous when she looks in at your life.

All this is why I love my eldest sister. I call her "do you want to come and stay"
" nah - can't afford it"
Me " will you let me treat you beacause I would just love to see you?"
her - either
"yes please !!!!"
or "no - not just now I would feel crap."

So simple

Sounds to me like she's bullying you and you need to stand up to her and stop letting her get to you. You need to keep saying thank you for the invites but you can't afford it.

Next time she wants to come and stay, say that you and DH are so exhausted looking after the little one, you're sure she won't mind sleeping in the lounge so you don't have to move beds. Make something up about your DD preferring her own bed and getting distressed if she wakes up and she's somewhere else. Alternatively, suggest she might be more comfortable in a hotel nearby -she can afford it after all!

oohh catwalker . Love the local hotel idea!

Aww, come back...you weren't that silly

JonandHate
you have to come back - your

Your
S.Freud

made me snort on my keyboard

I loved the S Freud Just had to go sort out a dispute regarding some bubbles!

I have suggested the hotel idea, doesn't work... maybe its an Indian thing, have family will stay It so happened that there was one time when I actually did gather up all my reserves of courage and suggested that they stay in a nearby B and B. It was DD's christening and we already promised our living room to another set of friends (who had a DD of thier own and were much more reasonable than any family), plus we had my mother with us, and the in-laws too... she did not come for the christening, and amended her facebook status to say 'gutted at not being able to make christening' or something similar. Obviously that let to mucho guilt on my part, and offers of please come etc. Looking back I should have just said, tough and let it go then.

Kayteee, I am going to try and write. I don't know how far I'll get though, coz I am a real cowardy custard

Michkit being Indian myself and married to a white guy so I can understand this family melodrama quite a bit. I have similar issues with my single very rich sister. I think she is a bit J of my DTs. I think best bet is to stay strong and hold your ground. If it were me I would be very upfront. e.g. Next time she suggests a holiday. I would say something like we can only afford £xxx per night...If she wants to spend more than this then you will have to stay at different hotels. Or say something like you want to spend up to £xxx on dinner. And would like some cheap meals to balance things out. Or this £xxx is the total budget for the entire holiday. Give her an example of a holiday you have done with your budget. Some times you have to be loud and clear before they get it.

I know you cant be too rude or ignore her all the time because you will never hear the end of it from your family...

Thats the part I dislike about being Indian..very high on the drama!