to be sad to see an obese toddler?

[NigellaTufnel]

Was in the park today, and there was a little girl who looked about 18+ months and obese. Now, I know that there may be health issues, and if that is the case I do feel guilty about Mrs Judgey pants, but it did make me feel a bit funny, that this poor thing's weight was not being managed.

And yes, she was clutching a 'drink that must not be named'.

However, I think that I was disturbed because there was lots of casual smacking of the child by her mother, shouting, and rough handling.

So, do you ever judge anyone else's child handling skills? I was quite shocked at myself.

Riven - you are right about it being harder to police what a teenager eats. Ds2 has a paper round, so has a good income each week, plus he gets pocket money and dinner money. Sadly though his school used to operate a card scheme, where dinner money was paid onto the card that he could use to pay for his dinners, they don't any more. The fact that he's allowed off the school site at lunchtime, this means he has a choice of places to buy his lunch - and he is not good at making healthy choices.

I think that what makes it worse for him is that his brothers don't make better choices than him, exercise a similar amount, and yet don't put on the weight in the same way that he does.

And do I blame myself for all this - of course I do. If it's hereditary, it's my fault because I'm overweight so that's clearly where he got it from. If it's nurture, it must be my fault too, because I feed him and he learned his food habits from me. The other boys have the same parents and the same upbringing and example in front of them - so do I feel responsible for their physiques, even proud? Of course I don't. As a mother, I do guilt far better than anything else.

It breaks my heart that ds2 is chubby, and that he can't simply eat whatever he wants in the way that his dad and brothers can. I worry about his socialisation at school - when he's been bullied, that's clearly my fault too because I'm guilty for his weight and that must be why he's getting bullied (and if it's not his weight, it's other aspects of his character inherited from me and since I was bullied - my fault again).

Short of keeping him home, never letting him out of my sight with more than 20p in his pocket, or locking him in the shed until he's the right weight for his height - what can I do? We've discussed healthy eating choices, and I have pointed out that, just on the cusp of puberty and a growth spurt, now is the ideal time to lose that extra stone, just by eating sensibly, not actually losing weight, but redistributing it as he grows, but I can't force him to listen.

Hands up who thinks I need any more guilt?

I am seriously shocked by the attitudes displayed on this thread how would it sound if you replaced the word fat with black ? Why is it any more acceptable to be predjudiced against that section of society ? The causes of obesity are complex and are both genetic and enviromental. It is not easy to change eating habits particularly if you dont have much money. Fwiw i am not overweight am a hcp working in the field.

Naughtymummy, as a black person, I am offended that you seem to think that being black is the same as being obese. It is not and I resent your patronising tone.

Being black is an intrinsic part of who I am and nothing will ever change that.

Being obese is down to personal behaviour and is something that can be easily changed provided the will and desire is there. For 99.99% of those who are obese, it is nothing to do with a medical condition, it is to do with the fact that they eat too much. The underlying reasons why they do so may be pyschological, social or emotional but obesity is a physical condition that can be changed.

Why is it that in countries where food is scarced, obesity is virtually absent? Even in rich countries like Japan, obesity is still a rarity because of their healthy diet. Obesity is a symptom of the privileged, indulgent and sedentary lifestyle of too many Western nations. Likening that to being black is quite frankly stupid.

Spokette - I assume that you have never had a weight problem, otherwise you would not say that it is easy to change!! It is a huge struggle, especially if you are depressed, like me, or live with people who can eat whatever they want, and not gain weight, like I do.

That said, I do agree with what you say about ethnicity and obesity not being alike - because you can change your weight.

Naughtymummy was trying to make a valid point, though - about the societal attitudes to obesity being largely acceptable, in a way that other prejudice is not.

Stayingsunnygirl, it took me nearly a year to lose 4 stones that I gained after having my DTS. It was not easy but I was committed to succeeding and used a combination of diet and exercise.

Spokette I am truly sorry if I offended you. I was merely trying to illustrate an unacceptable social prejudice. I am not suggesting for a minute that ethnicity and weight are similar, merely that it is in my view equaly unacceptable to show prejudice to anyone for any reason I could equaly have said wheelchair users or single parents.

I think for some people, (not all and i am talking about clinical obesisty here, not being overweight which is different) It is phenomenally difficult to lose weight, if they have been obese for a very longtime eg:10+ years it is about fundementally changing who they are, this can be cultural also. It is not just about eating a few more fruit and veg portions as so many of you seem to think.

That's certainly the way it is for me, naughtymummy. Still, I have just got back from the gym and I'm having a salad for lunch, so a tiny step in the right direction.

There may sometimes be an underlying issue but certainly not in every case. What beats me is how a toddler can get that fat.

They regulate their food intake very efficiently and eat (certainly in my ds's case) until I suspect he is no longer starving but also not stuffed to the gills. Toddlers generally are exceedingly active so how on earth do they manage to get fat?

My mother is obese and she is so because she buys full fat food and eats a lot of it. When i lived under her roof i too was obese and growing up fat was no fun. I went to boarding school for a long time and I used all the bad eating habits i learned from my mother throughout my childhood and when i moved home for a-levels i just got bigger. These included eating so fast that i never chewed properly (the only thin person in my family was my brother and he always ate the slowest - everyone else just hoovered their food down), having portions far too big for my age and eating high fat food. I exercised alot as a young kid - was a champion swimmer, gymnast and netball player, but i just ate far too much, too quickly and too high in fat and then when i hit puberty became self-concious and stopped doing sport and just got bigger.

When i left home i shed all my weight. I eat slower, chew more, and eat less. I also upped my aerobic activity and walk as much as possible.

I was obese until i was 18 (size 22/24) so that would be long term obese IMO - it isn't hard to change your eating habits you just have to want it more than chocolate cake.

As for people's attitude to fat people - it is horrible. I would be shouted at in the street "if i looked like you I wouldn't leave the house" etc etc and teased mercilessly. People felt they had a right to be rude to me because i was fat, like it made me stupid and open to insults.

i must admit i am the one who gets disgusted whenever i see an obese child. i am also aware of the difference between a large built child and the one that is sat in McDonalds with a large adult meal and their t-shirt is rolled up exposing massive amounts of fat hanging over their trousers/skirt etc.
i do blaime the parents as they are usually terribly obese too.
some people inc children are fortuante that they can eat the food they want and not gain weight but it is about control and portion size which these people have not got a clue about or do not realise the implications to their health that their diet does and i believe them to be selfish not to consider the health of their own children.

I am always surprised that toddlers can be obese too. My children eat a lot but they both slim.
I can only assume that they are stuck in front of the TV all day

So, when do you think is an appropriate age to start limiting a child's food intake? My niece is 22 months and I think she's overweight. Partly it's because she has a huge appetite - doesn't seem to know when she's full - and partly because she gets ice cream, goodies, sugary drinks. I'd feel ok about cutting out the junk food (although I think it would be very difficult to put that genie back in the bottle), but I think I'd feel uncomfortable about limiting food portions at that age.

"people who can eat whatever they want, and not gain weight."

unless people are ill and are not absorbing their food properly the for the majority of the population if they eat more calories than they expend they will put on weight. Thin people who say they eat like a horse and don't put on weight, really don't eat like horses. It's skewed perception of lots and whatever they want.

not always libra

my friends realy does eat like a horse,and eats fatty things, as well as good wholesome meals/cakes/takeaways etc

and she doesnt gain an ounce

she is trying to put weight on - is a size 6

she does say its not that good to eat and eat and eat and never put weight on

My dh is the same - his idea of a healthy lunch is 5 lemon yumyums, then as well as his supper, he'll have a big wedge of cheese later on in the evening too. And yet he is still slim.

dh is slim - he scoffs pies, takeaways, pizza, fry ups as well as fruit and veg and lots of beer and still doesnt put an oz on

this is such a depressing thread...
I think most of you on here may not realise how damaging and hurtful your posts are and how they contribute to the shame of having an eating disorder such as binge eating disorder or compulsive eating disorder. The fact you would judge obese parents more than others is again part of what adds to the shame of this devastating (and life threatening) difficulty. There is also very thinly veiled snobbery in many of the posts. You are not being concerned you are being judgemental and horrible - there is a difference.
To be honest, often the level of vitriol that is projected on to others shows how much you fear becoming like this yourself. So I imagine for many of you, it is your fear of becoming out of control that makes you judge others who may be weaker/suffered more/coping the only way they know how/think they're too worthless to look after. You may struggle with these issues yourself but to protect yourself you have to judge/distance yourself from anyone who reminds you of your own difficulties, disown that part of yourself and judge the poor person who has not managed as you have.
It is a very depressing read...

And of course it is terrible for children to be obese but we really need to rethink our society's attitudes towards people with these kind of food issues. The jokes and judgements that permeate the media for example are so unhelpful. The shame element causes a vicious cycle and each time you laugh or judge you are contributing to that.

i judged because of their behaviour as parents to their children - ie the swearing and attempting to hit

i would also judge a skinny family doing the same

there is no reason to behave like that as parents - it just means you have lost control of your own behaviour and then wonder why their children behave as they do

But surely it is more honest to say that we do judge people, and then try to modify our behaviour, to think about why we make judgements, and try to stop ourselves?

The point that I was trying to make is I was shocked at myself for my being so judgemental. But it is part of a (baser) human nature.

But I was also upset that my ds witnessed mothers shouting, hitting, manhandling their children in a park when everyone else was having a happy time. It is unfortunate that the same family had an obese child. (I am talking about no neck, wrists covered in rolls of fat, and facial features surrounded by too much flesh.)

But - and this is where I get my tin hat out - I'm afraid that in this instance I couldn't help but link the obesity of the child to the parents handling of the other children i.e. if they are treating their children with such casual disrespect that I suspect that the weight problem was more down to poor parenting than anything else.

And I do understand how difficult it is to be judged, my ds has some developmental issues that strangers feel free to comment on.
I'm really sorry if I have upset anyone, but to be honest, although it has been difficult I think that some of the comments have been fascinating.

i agree nugella - i noticed the parents/children because of the noise they were making, their language and the smacking

if this family hadnt hit/swore at their children, then i wouldnt have even noticed them and would have passed them and wouldnt have given them another thought

nigella

I have to say, growing up as an obese child, i consider it a form of abuse. it affected my whole life. I had stretch marks all over my body that when i did lose the weight if people saw them (and they are all over my body so you can not miss them) i was asked if i had had children already when i had just been fat. In fact when i got pregnant i didn't get a stretch mark and wasn't nearly as fat as i was when i was younger. My whole body is distorted and never once have i been able to wear anything remotely sexy or slinky as i have excess skin, stretch marks etc and have never been able to enjoy my body in the way you should when you are young. I have a healthy body now and for that i am grateful. I have looked after my own health as an adult and enjoy exercising. I have made peace with my diet and eating habits and whilst i am a curvy 12/14 i prefer to be this than a size 8/10 with nothing but skin and no shape.

I think if you are fat and have bad eating habits you have a duty to address these so as not to pass them on to your children. Growing up fat is not fun. It is not healthy and it is not right. people need to change their attitudes to their eating. There are some who are happy being big - that is great - but to make a child fat because you are happy being so is not fair to them in the short or long term.

80% of obese children grow up to be obese adults with all sorts of health problems. They learn their eating habits from their parents and it is a parent's duty to raise them as best they can.

Catski - i'd stop the junk food immediately. Sugary drinks can result in tooth decay as can high sugar diet. Swap ice cream for fresh fruit and change it now whilst you can. A few weeks of protest is better than a fat unhealthy child who will not be able to change their eating habits when they are older.

catski when you say she is overweight is she just chubby or are their rolls of fat involved? if it were my child i would first cut out the junk to see if it made a difference and also make sure she got at least an hour of exercise running around every day. It wouldn't have to be all in one go it could be in 3-4 15-20 minute chunks.

Some very interesting posts but perhaps the question might be "What has caused this generational shift?"

Yes, there has always been a small minority of large/fat/obese individuals but 25 years ago you didn't see them in the numbers you see today [especially amongst teenage girls].

I don't recollect seeing fat kids when I was at school in the 1960s/early 1970s. There were one or two at who were [by the standards of the time] "large" but nothing on the scale [no pun intended] that we see today.