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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sneak off and get married without telling anyone?

86 replies

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:07

DP and I have been engaged for a while and we have a baby due in september. We already have 4 dc between us and so money is a bit tight.

We really want to get married but can't afford it really so instead we're just going to sneak down to the register office with our 2 best friends and get hitched

We're not going to tell our families until afterwards.

I'm so excited, I don't care about having a big wedding, I just want to be married to the man I love.

Are we being a bit selfish though, I'm a tad worried that we might upset a few people. Or do you think if people genuinely care about us they'll just be happy for us?

OP posts:

MamaG · 25/05/2009 23:08

YANBU - but I'd invite parents too. Thats just me tho

Have a lovely day

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:11

If we invite parents, they we'll have to invite out grandparents and siblings, and their children too. Plus my mums 5 brothers and sisters and their partners and kids, before we know it we'll have a guest list of 100

We both have BIG families

OP posts:

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 25/05/2009 23:12

Wow there is a huge surge of secret weddings on here at the moment.

DP and I are doing this ery thing in July have it all booked and paid for but not actually told or are telling anyone until the day ....even the witnesses.

I think it depends on your family, my ex's mother would have been a waitling banshee had either of her sons done this to her and it would have been soooo not worht the agro but mine and dp's family will be surprised but happy for us.

We are debating whether to invite our mums along as we are doing it on dp's birthday as well so getting them in one place and still keeping the secret will actually be easy.......and as it's his birthday dp can never forget our anniversary

Good luck whatever you decide.

scarletlilybug · 25/05/2009 23:12

What about the children? My mother remarried secretly and, tbh, I was really hurt that she didn't tell me.

Nothing wrong with quiet weddings, but I think anyone who will be directly affected should know in advance.

Anyway, whetever you decide, hope you have a great day.

screamingabdab · 25/05/2009 23:13

Do it. I wish I had.

You will have to be prepared for some people to maybe be a bit pissed off, but that is not a reason not to go ahead with your plan.

Weddings are such funny things - people suddenly develop strong opinions about how things should and shouldn't be done - like someone with no apparent religious belief will get all huffy that you are not getting married in a church!

But if you compromise to try and please others you run the risk of ending up with something you didn't really want, and resentful as well.

At the end of the day it's about you and DP.

lilacclaire · 25/05/2009 23:14

Its the marriage that counts afterwards more than a big fancy do. yanbu.

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:15

Sorry, should have said we will be taking all the DC with us too, they are all really happy about us getting married.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 25/05/2009 23:15

Just a thought - someone I know got married secretly and didn't tell anyone. It just crept out several years later.

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:17

I'm hoping that people will see that we want to get married for all the right reasons. Because we love it other and want to make things official.

Ineedacleaner Good luck, hope you have a fab day

OP posts:

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:18

Screamingabdab, they kept it secret all that time?

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 25/05/2009 23:22

Yes - I'm not sure when they told their parents but it certainly wasn't straight away.

I guess because they had been together for 6 years and have DDs the questions about getting married had sort of died down IYSWIM.

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:25

I don't know how we're going to tell people afterwards. Its a tricky one to just drop into conversation, "hasn't the weather been lovely oh and by the way we got married the other day"

OP posts:

AhemAhem · 25/05/2009 23:28

DP and I got married 6 yrs ago. No-one apart from out witnesses know, and that includes our parents. I am sure a lot of people would be put out if they knew, so we just pretend like it never happened. But, it's because we got married because it made financial and legal sense, not because we were all lovey dovey and wanted to make a commitment to each other. We actually asked at the time if we could just sign something rather than have what felt like a false ceremony. We have been together 20 yrs now, and still feel like our relationship is our business - nothing to do with what the rest of the world think!
Back to the OP (apols for self indulgence there) - I think some may be annoyed, others will be fine with it. I think telling your parents would be kind. Maybe have a party a while down the line and announce it then. People won't be miffed with you if you are having a party to celebrate it!

ChippingIn · 25/05/2009 23:31

Memoo - well, it is your day so you can do what you want to do, but I would fully expect some people to be upset about it. If friends or family of mine did it that way, only because they were a bit short of money and not because it was what they really, really wanted to do, I'd be hurt and upset. Partly because I'd missed out on seeing them get married, but mostly because they didn't allow me to help and/or pay my own way. I'd rather pay for my own meal somewhere for the 'reception' and give them money as a present and help them to have a lovely day, than have them run off and do it quietly because of the money.

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:32

Our plan is that when the baby is born we'll have a big party for everyone after her christening. It will be nice for everyone to get together and celebrate our baby and our marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:34

Chipping, but the alternative is that we don't get married at all because there is no way we will have any spare money in the next five years.

I'm not going back to work after having the baby so there won't be any spare cash

OP posts:

LifeofByron · 25/05/2009 23:42

DH and I got married nearly 5 years ago, just the two of us plus witnesses (no parents). I had previously been married and had the full white dress experience then so didn't feel the need for the big day. Like AhemAhem, we felt strongly that it was completely up to us to decide everything about our relationship, including how we would get married. We told our parents in advance. Mine were very unhappy, DH's were fine. While the day itself was perfect, I have to admit that our decision has had major repercussions in terms of our wider family relationships. My parents, in particular, felt very rejected by our decision. I'm not saying they were right (after all, the day was about us not about them) but they really felt hurt that they were (as they saw it) excluded from one of the most important days of my life. I have to be honest and say that, while I'm glad we stuck to our guns, I do have some regrets about hurting my parents. It touches me more now that I have my own DD. At the time I thought my mother was being v unreasonable to make such a big deal of the whole thing, but now I understand that she just wanted to share my day. I do feel bad that I deprived her of that experience. But you have to decide what's best for you, your DP and your DCs. At the end of the day, it is about you. I guess just be prepared for some bad reactions. I've only just healed the rift with my parents, and it was DD's arrival that helped us get there Congratulations on your decision to marry, and good luck!

thumbwitch · 25/05/2009 23:45

Memoo - one of my cousins did this - she and her fiance and her bf and her fiance all went off to Scarborough for the weekend and came back married, having been each others' witnesses. Parents were informed after the event. There was some bad feeling but in the end everyone got over it.

Good luck with it but really don't be surprised if some of your family get pretty huffy about it.

Mulanmum1 · 25/05/2009 23:48

Not it's not about you and only you (as LifeofByron suggests). It's downright bloody cruel to exclude your parents from your wedding day. Don't do it.

Original poster

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:52

Actually it is only about me and DP. Why is it about anyone else?

OP posts:

surrofab · 26/05/2009 00:07

Hubby and i married secretly,told everyone but our 2 best friends that we would be having an engagement doo on the evening and come along to such and sucha place if they could.When we turned up,we were married.
Needless to say parents didn't speak to us all that night and for most of the next week.
Oh well,it was our day and we both hate being the centre of attention...so :p

Longtalljosie · 26/05/2009 07:57

I think what you're being told is that yes, there is a very high chance you could hurt your parents by doing this. Only you know, because only you know them.

But your response above suggests that's a risk you're willing to take. I do genuinely hope you have a lovely day though .

Are you quite sure you can't invite your parents without the rest of the extended family? I'm not sure it necessarily follows - esp if you tell them just beforehand?

aGalChangedHerName · 26/05/2009 08:03

Are you having your dc at the wedding?

Don't see why you can't have your parents there tbh. You could explain that you can't afford a big wedding so it's just you and DP and parents to keep costs down.

Have to say that if ds1 went off and got married and didn't ask us i would be gutted (rightly or wrongly)

stickylittlefingers · 26/05/2009 08:07

it might hurt your parents not to invite them, but I managed to hurt my mum (completely unintentionally) by not doing all the right things I was apparently supposed to do but didn't, so wished we had just gone off and done it ourselves. So there are risks either way.

Mulanmum1 · 26/05/2009 09:27

"Actually it is only about me and DP. Why is it about anyone else?"

God, it's so depressing that you even have to ask that.

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