To sneak off and get married without telling anyone?

[memoo]

DP and I have been engaged for a while and we have a baby due in september. We already have 4 dc between us and so money is a bit tight.

We really want to get married but can't afford it really so instead we're just going to sneak down to the register office with our 2 best friends and get hitched

We're not going to tell our families until afterwards.

I'm so excited, I don't care about having a big wedding, I just want to be married to the man I love.

Are we being a bit selfish though, I'm a tad worried that we might upset a few people. Or do you think if people genuinely care about us they'll just be happy for us?

YANBU whatsoever.
Your wedding - you get married when, where and in the style the two of you desire.

I concede that parents could feel hurt but they should understand your reasons and not hold it against you. I can't bear this idea that a wedding HAS to be a public affair governed by rules and etiquette, which is exactly why I am doing something similar to you.

Have a lovely day!

im on the fence with this one

i couldnt have got married without my dad walking me down the aisle and my mum amd mil being there

but its both your 2nd wedding, and both your parents have done the same

and doesnt sound as if your parents have been there for you (unlike mine) where as your bf have been - hence why you want them there

have a fab day whatever you do - wedding neednt cost the earth

and in the end it is YOUR and hubby to be day - so do what YOU BOTH want to

i would prob tell them what you have got planned and go and do it

Don't know about being a formidable MIL one day but hope I'll have the sort of relationship with my daughter where she would want me at her wedding. Would be very sad if that were not the case.

I am getting married without my mum there Mulan and I have a good relationship with her.
I also have a great relationship with MIL that has nothing to do with why we made this decision. So I think there is no need for when you actually have no idea and making wild assumptions about why people want to do things this way.

Yes getting married in secret isn'tfor everyone but to assume the reasons why!!!

I still think that if you want to go off and get married without your family there then fine if that's what works for you. It's the secrecy bit that poses the problem for me.

Why can't you just be honest and upfront and explain why you want to do it your way and give the reasons why you'd rather your friends there than your family.

At least everyone would know where they stood and it would avoid bad feelings from secrecy.

(Trouble is, I'm one who speaks their mind )

I would say GO FOR IT!! We just did it exactly like you described, last week actually! At first we was just going to invite parents, but as you said, it goes on and on then, the best thing to do is, go do it and then tell the family. Some people will be upset, but they will be happy for you and if they're not, they're being selfish after all, it's YOUR day to enjoy not theirs. make sure you take lots of photos and arrange to go for a big family meal or something afterwards to celebrate all together. Best wishes.

May i add, i wouldn't advise on telling the truth about your "secret" because we did that and it makes a whole lot stressful and worse, people will be trying to make you feel guilty and talk you round to their ideas. In the end we changed the date (secretly) and just went and did it, and THEN told them hehe. Stick to your guns and don't care what anyone thinks : )

I just think you should be honest! As a mother, I can't imagine anything much more hurtful than being kept apart from your child's wedding. (Unless of course you have had a horrendous upbringing).

I'm all for doing your wedding how you choose but if you have any relationship with your parents then I think it is at least worth considering their feelings if nothing else.

I have considered telling my parents and still might but dp's mum there is no way we could tell her at least until the day itself.
Not that she would be hurt or anything she would be happy for us and totally understanding but for one she cannot keep a secret she is not intentionally indiscreet but she is a gas bag and would be far too excited and she wouls start thinking maybe we should invite SIL, BIL, Nephew, grandma etc etc or start trying to get us to at least organise a huge party.
SIL and her husband went on holiday to Las Vegas and 3 days in called and told her mum she was married so I know MIL wouldn't have an issue in that respect she would just get unintentionally carried away.

I wouldn't mind a bit if my kids got married in secret, and I can't believe some of the over the top responses to the OP!

People are so obsessed about weddings, the day and the ceremony and the trappings. Its about the marriage not the wedding! Do you need to include your parents in everything you do?

If any or all of my children wanted to get married alone and only invited me because they thought I would be upset, then that really would bother me. I want them to do what they want, not to be swayed by me, once they are adults. I can't stand overbearing parents who demand to be included in their childrens lives. Yes I created and raised my children, giving them my time money energy and love, but they don't owe me anything for it.

OP, do what you want, its your life and your day. If you are happy, your family should be happy for you. If they aren't, tough on them.

OP, haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to add that I heard of a couple who invited their closest to a party/picnic somewhere one Saturday and when everyone was there they simply announced they were actually getting married there and then, and did. I've always thought that was lovely - and you could limit the invitation to parents. Or not, of course.