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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sneak off and get married without telling anyone?

86 replies

memoo · 25/05/2009 23:07

DP and I have been engaged for a while and we have a baby due in september. We already have 4 dc between us and so money is a bit tight.

We really want to get married but can't afford it really so instead we're just going to sneak down to the register office with our 2 best friends and get hitched

We're not going to tell our families until afterwards.

I'm so excited, I don't care about having a big wedding, I just want to be married to the man I love.

Are we being a bit selfish though, I'm a tad worried that we might upset a few people. Or do you think if people genuinely care about us they'll just be happy for us?

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 26/05/2009 14:16

YANBU - Hope you have a fantastic day

Original poster
memoo · 26/05/2009 14:18

Thanks Drlove, and the other who have been nice.

I shouldn't have posted in aibu, i'm too full of pregnancy hormones and feel quite upset by some of the comments, I was really excited but feel a bit flat now

I know its my own fault for posting on aibu but i'm going to bow out now.

Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
mejon · 26/05/2009 14:18

DH and I did this (coming up to 3 years ago ). We had DH's best friend and wife as witnesses and told no-one else (though if BF hadn't been able to do it we'd have asked my brother and SIL). We sent out an announcement card and photo to our closest family and friends the following day and no-one was upset, disappointed etc. My father was just glad that we'd done it before DD arrived (8 weeks later!). My parents live(d) 2.5 hours away and DH's immediate family are 7+ hours away so it would have become the sort of event we didn't want had we invited everyone.

We did it because we don't like 'a fuss' or being the centre of attention and could think of nothing worse than having a big party (the original party-poopers that's us!) and money wasn't an issue. It is your day - do what's right for you and your DCs.

Original poster
memoo · 26/05/2009 14:18

Thanks norks

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 26/05/2009 14:20

and mejon

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 26/05/2009 14:24

Thats ok, I have fantastic memories of my mothers second wedding day, I was 8, my sister 6 and Mum 6 months PG.

On waking in the morning my DSis and I were shown two lovely new outfits and asked if would like to wear them that day. Mum and Step dad got married 3 hours later with their best friends as witnesses.

We then met 5 of their other friends in a chinese restaurant for lunch( they were told when we all arrived, they thought it was a party lunch for mums birthday, the next day)

The happy couple then telephoned their parents from the public pay box to tell them.

Happy all round,

What is right in one family is not right in the next.
Your family IMO is you, DP and your DC

Enjoy

ViktoriaMac · 26/05/2009 14:24

No way at all are you being unreasonable. I am getting married tomorrow, having cancelled the big do (as guest list was spiralling to people we felt compelled to invite) and only told family yesterday. We are having only our parents and our two brothers, but as I sit here waiting for both sets of parents to arrive tonight I am feeling that maybe even our 6 guests are too many. It is nothing to do with anyone else, it is about you and your husband.
Good luck and have fun your way!

luvoneson · 26/05/2009 14:25

Go for it. I would invite the parents and kids. Good luck

PistachioLemon · 26/05/2009 14:35

memoo, please don't be upset, it is your day and you should do what you want to do and what you think is best. It really doesn't matter what we on this thread think or have done or say we would do.

helsbels4 · 26/05/2009 14:39

I wouldn't do it personally but it's your wedding day and you should do what feels right for you and your soon to be dh.

I think you need to really think though, how you would feel in years to come when one of your dc's tells you they married in secret. How would it make you feel? If you don't think you'd have a problem with it then fine.

I don't think it is so much to do with money as it is to do with the feelings towards your mum from what I've read. I can understand not wanting to invite the world and his wife, especially if they don't usually bother with you but having your parents at the ceremony and then back to someones's house for a little buffet/piece of cake, isn't going to bust the bank.

Whatever you decide, have a lovely day

ErnestTheBavarian · 26/05/2009 14:53

"the reason I didn't mention things like this before was because I didn't think it was relevant and TBH I didn't expect such disaproval."

No disapproval at all from me. You asked in AIMU when people think. I said if my dc did this I'd be devastated.

I didn't say anything about you, other than in 2nd post it would have been better to give full story in 1st place.

I couldn't give a monkeys what you do

FairLadyRantALot · 26/05/2009 15:08

Memoo, to me it makes far more sense to do it that way...
I think big weddings are totally overrated, and the biggest weddings seem to be all about the one day, ratehr than the rest of your life togetehr, iykwim...

Anyway, hope you have a fab day and congratulations

aGalChangedHerName · 26/05/2009 17:13

Memoo if you had mentioned in your Op the history between you and your parents then of course you would have got very different responses from those of us who voiced our disapproval.

If your parents not nice/supportive then obviously it puts a very different slant on your OP.

Mulanmum1 · 26/05/2009 19:32

It's one of those AIBU-by-stealth posts:

AIBU not to invite my parents to my wedding?

Yes you are BU.

But they used to beat me and lock me in a cupboard.

No you are not BU.

Why not give all the details in the OP?

Gateau · 27/05/2009 12:36

Not sure what to say about this one.
DH and I got married ALONE in the South Pacific. Our families knew about it well before we went and wholly supported us. Mind you, the fact that we went to the other side of world is different from tying the knot in a local registry office. By that I mean ours was a wedding and honeymoon combined so not something people would expect to be invited to.
We had a party for everyone a few weeks after we came back.

LilTulip · 27/05/2009 15:30

This day isn't about anyone else it's about you and your dp making a lifelong commitment to each other. You may upset a few people but so what??? But they will come round in the end.
We sneaked off to scotland to get married as i couldn't bear the thought of trying to keep everyone else happy (mainly DH's Stepmum and his extended family)And spending money on an extravegant do that we simply did not have.
My mum wasn't too upset as her and my dad suggested several time's before hand to sneak off and get married.
S-MIL said that we were "not properly married" though because she didn't attend. But i really didn't care My day i do what i want!!! But we did have a great party afterwards so everyone could attend.

LilTulip · 27/05/2009 15:34

I have also spoken to my DD about this as she was thinking of doing the same (overbearing in laws!!) We would support her 100% As it is her day i really don't see a problem.

Mulanmum1 · 27/05/2009 19:10

I really don't understand this selfish "it's MY day" attitude

FairLadyRantALot · 27/05/2009 20:03

well...I suppose many people have many different attitudes to weddings and marriages mulan....that doesn't necessarily mean people are selfish....sometimes things are whichever way they are because of circumstances, oterhtimes because of different believes...

honest, I truely don't get the whole commercialised wedding drama production that many put themselves through, often going into debt over...it truely isn't worth it for one day, imo...and often, to me, it seems the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage...I wonder why that is? Oh, maybe because some people have this dreamimage of the perfect day in their mind and that is all they work towards, than life after can be a bit dull, I suppose....
however, if someone wants to have that big wedding, that is great, that is their choice....doesn't make people not wishing to do it that way selfish though...

thumbwitch · 27/05/2009 23:42

I really don't understand the attitude that the wedding is a function designed for all the family! in the end, it is about the 2 people making the commitment to each other (and in this case there are children involved so it is about them too) - what have the family got to do with it?

barnsleybelle · 27/05/2009 23:47

It's your day and should do exactly what you want to do, and the people who love you should respect whatever you choose... enjoy.

Mulanmum1 · 27/05/2009 23:50

What have the family got to do with it?? Oh not much ... your parents brought you into the world, raised you,loved you and worried about you ALL your life. Yes, sod 'em, have YOUR day YOUR way and don't worry if you hurt them. They're in the past - all that matters is YOU.

heartofgold · 27/05/2009 23:57

lol @ mulanmum - i can see you'll make a formidable mil

lordy and people wonder why we don't want to get married...

thumbwitch · 27/05/2009 23:59

that might be YOUR parents, mulanmum - not everyones' parents.

FWIW, I think the OP should reconsider inviting the parents, but not if it means they insist that everyone else has to come too. Parents have a tendency to fuck things up where weddings are concerned, so no, they don't have to be included. They aren't going to be part of the married relationship.

midlandsmumof4 · 28/05/2009 00:00

without reading the whole of thread........

YANBU. Money was very tight for us. Our DSI was nearly 4 when we got married. I booked the registry office and told DH the week before. We weren't actually speaking on the day-first words he spoke were 'I do'-but thats a different story. Most of my family couldn't attend at such short notice cos of holidays-it was the end of July. My sisters were very upset but so what? They got over it. We are celebrating our Silver Wedding next year and are planning a belated wedding reception for those who missed out first time-which was nearly 150 people!!