To sneak off and get married without telling anyone?

[memoo]

DP and I have been engaged for a while and we have a baby due in september. We already have 4 dc between us and so money is a bit tight.

We really want to get married but can't afford it really so instead we're just going to sneak down to the register office with our 2 best friends and get hitched

We're not going to tell our families until afterwards.

I'm so excited, I don't care about having a big wedding, I just want to be married to the man I love.

Are we being a bit selfish though, I'm a tad worried that we might upset a few people. Or do you think if people genuinely care about us they'll just be happy for us?

I don't get why it's about anyone else? Who else is it about? Apart from dc, but that's already dealt with.

My sister did this. She went away with her df, dd and best friends and they came back married brandishing a wedding video and expecting congratulations. Their excuse was money too. My mum was devestated. Genuinely heartbroken that she'd been excluded from watching her daughter get married. All she wanted was to be able to watch them, she didn't want a meal or anything else. It was a pretty selfish move on my sister and her dh's behalf that caused a lot of heartache. It wasn't particularly cheap either, she had a wedding dress and her dd had a flower girl dress. They had a reception meal in a fancy hotel with decorations and cake etc and paid for their friends to stay over.

Another sister got married in a registry office and asked for no friends or siblings to be present but invited all parents. Everyone felt happy for her because at least she told people about the wedding, even if we weren't invited!

I personally would think twice before excluding parents...

Meemo- we got married very quietly nearly 4 years ago now, we told our parents and closest friends, I didn't even invite my grandparents because if i had it'd be a case of the whole family turning up etc and we have a huge family too- everyone was on strict orders not to tell anyone else.

We got married on the thursday and got DS (7mo at the time) christened on the sunday, then at the party decided to tell all our family and friends we'd got married- everyone was very happy for us... a couple of friends & family members had seen my wedding ring before i told everyone so i had them on silence too!!

it was so much fun knowing they'd all be shocked... thoguh i dont think i could have not told my parents.

Yes you are being selfish. If you want a small wedding then fine have one - but to do it without telling people is just mean. Your family will understand about the money, just don't deny them the chance to be excited for you and attend the ceremony - which would cost nothing!

Unless there is a problem with your parents (ie, they would want you to invite the world at large) why would you not tell them?

I am sure they will understand if you don't want a big wedding. Anyway, if you are funding your own wedding how you do it is up to you.

don't do it, it's not a big exciting secret, it will be devastating. You have 4 dc - really, how would you feel if one of them did that to you? Parents also likely to feel anygry with partner rather than welcoming new family member iyswim

I think I must be missing something here. If the ceremony has been(will be) paid for and the wedding outfits and ring/s bought there is nothing else you must pay for.
I confess I started reading this completely agreeing with OP.But now -taking diverse views into account- I can see how it does affect the wider family.
Personally I would go ahead -and possibly tell parents/grandparents/siblings at the last minute.
If they want to attend -and Im guessing they will -the invite is for the ceremony only. Confetti, smiles and photos -and off you go with your DCs for a post wedding meal.But at a restaurant that can take a few extra tables at the last minute.
People do understand when money is tight and will do as you ask but will be happy just to be included.

The grandparents and siblings and partners thing is all a bit of a ruse really...

I definately say you should invite your parents, but you CAN just invite the parents - its not actually true that you MUST invite their siblings/grandparents etc.

Far far better compromise than tell no-one - that will cause a lot of bad feeling

Dear LORD, you are making a lifetimes committment to the man you love, and who you ahve a family with, and who is a defacto member of your own family. And vice versa. If you deliberatly exclude your parents, I am sure they will be very very heartbroken. I know my mum would be so upset to think I didnt WANT her at such a special life moment, that she used to threaten to disown me. They might later put on a brave face, but they raised you, watched your DC grown, how can you snub them and go get married in secret? It's a cruel selfish thing to do. I'd be EFFING livid. My friend did that, also on the excuse of money, and her mum was in tears, utter tears. She felt worthless. A wedding is a merging of FAMILIES. Other friends got married in a registry office, they brought some cheap champagne, we all had a glass, the parents and family were there, and after, we went HOME, where they had a nice buffet that they had all contributed to. Cheap, free, and yummy, as everyone liked MILs cheesecake, and SILs pasta salad etc etc, kids were everywhere, and it was a lovely, quiet, special day. Please reconsider. Please, you only get married one (well, or twice) and it IS special to your family, no matter what you think.

YANBU - your wedding, your day, your wishes.

DH & I spent 18 months planning our wedding it was soooo stressful & that was all down to my mother making demands & wanting certain things her way all the damn time! (The wedding itself was lovely though)

Do it how you want to it & enjoy!

Congratulations!

If money is the issue, how about you invite them to the reg office with you and then to the local pub or cheap restaurant for a meal - everyone can pay for themselves (an no doubt fpr you too) and you will all have a lovely family get together without the hassle or expense of a traditional wedding, but no-one will feel left out. I know people who have got married and then gone for a curry with family and friends - had a blast and cost almost nothing.

I know it would make my parents very sad to know i got married without giving them the chance to be there with me

Right let me clarify

My own parents snuck off with my their 2 friends and did exactly the same as we are planning to do. So basically there is no way they could be offended is there??

Its other members of the family that might but funny about it. These seem people though never bother with us the rest of the time.

Most of them haven't even met DP in the 3 years we have been together despite numerous invites.

My aunties and uncles didn't even come to my DC's christenings 2 years ago even though I invited them all.

Not everybody has a close family.

aha - the aibu by stealth. Obv this info makes big difference, so why didn't you say so in 1st place?

Go for it.

Some people will be upset, but most will get over it.

The more people at the registry office the more it costs, for those who wonder at the expense. Also one thing balloons into another as if you invite x, y would be mortally offended if they were not included and on and on...

The more i see these threads the more i think i'll go off with my kids and DP and get married and not bother telling anyone we did it.

I think it's the secret that's the real problem -
if you've ever confided in your parents or siblings or had them confide in you then by not telling them you are voiding all this trust -
Can you really not trust your parents to go with your wishes? honestly would they really make a fuss about inviting the whole massive family?
I shouldn't think so .. but if you explain that you only want a very small do they'll understand -
the hurt and feeling that they don't deserve your trust is just awful ..

my sister who, whilst having an up and down relationship with, I am very close to and have trusted her with secrets and confided in her many times did almost this - sent out wedding invites then went on holiday for a month.. and had been planning the event for about 6 months previously -

I felt deeply hurt and still resist telling her anything important or feel bad if i let something out - because i feel that she doesn't have the same respect or trust in me that I've always afforded her.. I feel it's changed our relationship to the detriment - and it's really so sad that she didn't feel able to trust me or my mother..

Please just explain what you're doing before hand - I'm sure your family will understand and be supportive -
Just don't hurt them - it is your day and your life but would your life be everything it is today with out your parents and siblings???

apols missed a few postings before airing my views - only be concerned with the people who you are close to ...

I have two sets of friends who did this and for both of them it was a major problem for their parents. Nobody else minded really even if they wished that they had been there.

It's completely up to you as it's your wedding but I don't see what harm it would be to let your parents know. You really don't have to invite the extended family.

As a complete aside, I wanted to do what you are doing but ended up having a big wedding because it would have upset my parents too much had I not done so (and my father didn't have long to live so I was the only daughter he would see married). It wasn't what I had planned but it was a wonderful day and I'm glad that I did have everyone there.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you did invite your parents then it might not be what you have planned but you won't upset them and you will still have a brilliant day.

If however, you are geniunely sure neither sets of parents will be bothered, then go for it.

Did your mum ever regret going away and marrying in secret?

memoo YANBU at all

DP and I are considering this very thing after the palavas of weddings we've been to over the years, and neither of us enjoy being centre of attention

Like you, for us it would probably be no-one invited or everyone - two large families, different friend groups, etc

And if you don't personally feel you want a big do then don't have one

Your wedding, your choice

(as long as you are thick-skinned enough to shrug off any grumbles from offended people )

my friend did that, with just two witnesses and their combined 4 dc. Their own parents weren't even told. they sent out cards afterwards saying "we've done it" with a wedding photo on the front. It was a 2nd wedding for both of them, so I think the chances of offending anyone was lessened. But it was what suited them, It was rather nice to recive the announcement like that.
Do what suits you, you can always have a party at a later date if funds allow, maybe for your first anniversary.

You are assuming they will be not be offended but just because they did it when they were a lot younger (and presumably hadn't had children at that point to appreciate how hurtful that could have been)
doesn't mean to say that's what they want for their daughter!
How may parents do you think would look back and think "my fondest memory is being excluded from my daughter's wedding - what a wonderful day that was"!
and taking your two best friends is basically saying "these are the most important people in my life and not you"

YANBU - it is your day, do what ever makes you happy.

There is always someone who will be put out, but tough. Finances are tight, you are doing something that you can afford and will spend the day with the people that matter - your DCs.

If you think it may be an issue, why not tell your and DPS parents the night before, the time and location and if they really want to be there they can come (explain why of course).

Is this your first marriage?

my mum and dad never had any regrets. They didn't marry for years and had all 3 of their children by the time they did.

They didn't even take us kids or tell us.

Actually my 2 best friends are the most important people to us. This is the friend who rushed me to hospital when I collasped from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and then looked after my children for 2 weeks while I was poorly in hopsital. My mum and dad in the mean time went on holiday.

This is also the friend who kept me going when many years ago I decided to leave my abusive husband and lost everything.

She is the friend who stood by me while I was a single parent for 3 years without any support at all from my parents or any other members of my family.

She is the one who looked after my children over night while I was griped by deep depression, my mother said "your kids, your responsiblity"

Blood isn't always thicker than water

Ernest, the reason I didn't mention things like this before was because I didn't think it was relevant and TBH I didn't expect such disaproval.

Sallero, this is the second marriage for both of us

memoo .... your right, its your day and you should spend it with the people who mean the most to you.... have your secret wedding and enjoy it congratulations!