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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel pissy about having to spend so much on a friend's wedding?

96 replies

HangingOnTheTrubliphone · 24/05/2009 21:43

Am bridesmaid to a dear friend - as she was for my wedding - although since my DS was born we aren't so close (she doesn't have children).

Anyway, she has booked us a hotel room at the venue for the night of the wedding, and has reserved us a room for the night before also. It's a really long drive so I guess we will have to stay somewhere the night before (2 nights away from DS will be the longest I've done so far) but the cost for two nights at the hotel will be £300! Friend said 'I know it's expensive but I only intend to get married once'. Fine, but £300 is nearly two months of nursery fees for me! Not to mention getting there and back (car hire, petrol), wedding present, buying my bridesmaid dress, hen weekend will cost over £100.

Argh, why do these things have to be so bloody pricey, and so rife with things you could end up falling out over?? It's a minefield

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 24/05/2009 21:46

I would look for somewhere cheaper and cancel the hotel room. And I think that you shouldn't have to buy your own bridesmaids dress either - unless you get complete choice over it. I'm normally pretty sanguine on wedding threads, but this would piss me off too.

Paolosgirl · 24/05/2009 21:47

Do you have to stay there? Could you look to see if there is a cheaper option nearby, and then be totally up front with her and say that it's beyond your purse limits and that you've sorted something else out?

Thunderduck · 24/05/2009 21:47

Is there no other hotel that you could go to? She shouldn't have booked rooms there without asking you if you had made alternate arrangements.

YANBU.

Monkeyandbooba · 24/05/2009 21:48

Oh my word that is very pricey! Is there any reason why you have to stay at the hotel? Have you explained your situation?

Monkeyandbooba · 24/05/2009 21:48

Ditto about the dress, never heard that one before!? YANBU

Thunderduck · 24/05/2009 21:48

I agree about the bridesmaid's dress.

dizzydixies · 24/05/2009 21:49

get a nearby B&B the night before, take the train/bus, wedding present doesn't need to be expensive, treat it as a post DS romantic weekend away with your DH, enjoy the lie in.

or send a regret card

its a waste of a weekend feeling resentful that you've had to spend money you'd rather not so either suck it up and go and enjoy it or don't go at all

never easy where money is tight

dizzydixies · 24/05/2009 21:49

oh and bridemaid dress shouldn't be your expense unless you made her pay for hers when you got married

TheCrackFox · 24/05/2009 21:50

I would agree with everyone else and say book somewhere cheaper. I am sure your friend will understand.

Normally the bride buys the dress but I like to use a wooden spoon.

paisleyleaf · 24/05/2009 21:50

yanbu
why do brides think that their wedding is that (hundreds of ££££s worth) important to everyone else?
Do you need to stay on the wedding night? She might not know you're there by then.
ikwym about not falling out. But for some people this just wouldn't be do-able. I couldn't justify it now I've got a family.

Paolosgirl · 24/05/2009 21:50

And agree - you shouldn't have to pay for the bridesmaid dress, but tricky if it's been agreed you will.

PeppermintPatty · 24/05/2009 21:51

I Agree - can you look for cheaper hotels / B&Bs in the area?

And you shouldn't have to buy your own bridemaids dress - (unless it's a dress of your choosing).

Original poster

HangingOnTheTrubliphone · 24/05/2009 21:51

I guess it makes sense for us to stay at the venue, so we can get ready together, won't have to travel night of the wedding etc. But it is expensive (and the website makes it look really crap too! for that money I'd expect it to be really lovely).

Our wedding hotel was expensive but we were sensitive to the fact not everyone would be able to afford it and so subsidised people's rooms (in fact, borrowed extra money against our mortgage to do so!). I'm just a bit surprised that the expectation has been put out there that this is what's happening.

Googling nearby hotels now...

OP posts:

Monkeyandbooba · 24/05/2009 21:51

Make an excuse about not being able to make the hen do?

charmander · 24/05/2009 21:52

who paid for her dress when you got married and she was bridesmaid?

themoon66 · 24/05/2009 21:55

Are you sharing the room with her or someone else? That would cut the cost by 50% straight off.

Oh... and I'm another one who thinks you should not be paying for your bridesmaid dress.

Original poster

HangingOnTheTrubliphone · 24/05/2009 21:58

Ahem, well she did. It was a winter wedding, I wore a coloured dress, and I didn't want to make my bridesmaids all wear the same dress that they might not like, so I suggested they each buy a black dress of their choice. They seemed fine with it at the time.

But you know I don't mind having to buy a dress that much, although she is being fairly prescriptive about what I can buy, it's more the hotel bumping up the overall cost.

Monkey - you really think one of the bridesmaids can't go to the hen weekend? ?? Pretty bad form, no?

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 24/05/2009 22:00

Oh this makes me so angry that brides think everyone has bottomless pockets when it comes to their weddings!

I usually decline weddings that involve more expense on my part than outfit and pressie!

Where abouts is it can we help you find somewhere cheaper?

Does she know you will have to hire a car? If so then sorry she is taking the piss, hire car, buy own bridesmaid dress, expensive hotel etc etc.

That must come to over £500 and I know people whose whole wedding cost less than that!

TheCrackFox · 24/05/2009 22:01

Bridesmaids have to do the Hen, 'tis practically the law.

Original poster

HangingOnTheTrubliphone · 24/05/2009 22:02

Sharing room with DH.

From what else is nearby, it looks like it's generally a really expensive place to stay! Christ, can't quite believe it...

OP posts:

Original poster

HangingOnTheTrubliphone · 24/05/2009 22:03

Yorkshire Dales. London prices.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 24/05/2009 22:03

Hanging if you're getting a choice and she paid for yours then I think its right you should pay for yours, you'd be buying a dress anyway to go as a guest.

have you actually spoken to her about the cost? could you not say to her that you wish to go to the wedding but its all adding up and you can't do the henny AND the wedding? I had a weekend away with my bestfriend and cousin and a meal locally for all my other friends/colleagues etc would that work?

letswiggle · 24/05/2009 22:03

We paid for most of the hotel rooms for people who had come from abroad for our wedding - certainly for family and for people who had a role, anyway. They did share rooms though. Having said that, I don't actually think 150 per night is that expensive for a UK hotel - I wouldn't expect anything lovely at that price.

geordieminx · 24/05/2009 22:04

sit her down, explain that you earn x amount and that you cannot afford hen, dress, present, hotel etc, ask her if there is some compromise, see what she suggests? A true friend will understand and try and help you out, a bridezilla will think of herself.

FabulousBakerGirl · 24/05/2009 22:06

I think it is wrong she has booked somewhere so dear for you without checking first. Find somewhere cheaper and tell her to cancel the room or else she might lok to you to pay for the cancellation fee.

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