to feel pissy about having to spend so much on a friend's wedding?

[HangingOnTheTrubliphone]

Am bridesmaid to a dear friend - as she was for my wedding - although since my DS was born we aren't so close (she doesn't have children).

Anyway, she has booked us a hotel room at the venue for the night of the wedding, and has reserved us a room for the night before also. It's a really long drive so I guess we will have to stay somewhere the night before (2 nights away from DS will be the longest I've done so far) but the cost for two nights at the hotel will be £300! Friend said 'I know it's expensive but I only intend to get married once'. Fine, but £300 is nearly two months of nursery fees for me! Not to mention getting there and back (car hire, petrol), wedding present, buying my bridesmaid dress, hen weekend will cost over £100.

Argh, why do these things have to be so bloody pricey, and so rife with things you could end up falling out over?? It's a minefield

Agree with Geordie

I totally do not understand why other people getting married should cost the guests an absolute fortune! This seems totally unreasonable to me.

If you live in one part of the country and you have friends and family who are wide spread, then fair enough, if they want to come then maybe they have to pay for a hotel. But they have the CHOICE as to whether to come or not.

If you are getting married away from home, then either you agree early on about whether such things as hotels/flights/dresses are doable or not, or you have to expect that people can't come. If I was planning a wedding miles away from home, I would be asking these questions in advance, or offering to pay for all expenses.

Thanks, glad it's not me being a skinflint.

It's tricky - it's not that we couldn't afford it, it's that by doing this will cancel out any possibility of us going on a holiday of our own choice. Which is what makes me feel so resentful about it.

She is the type of person who racks up huge credit card bills whereas I get anxious when I go overdrawn a bit each month. Therein lies the problem, I think... I just don't think I'm prepared to sacrifice so much for one weekend not of my choosing when the impact of it is greater for my financial situation than the same thing would be for her in my position.

YANBU to feel pissed off. it's a heck of a lot of money which you're being expected to spend - in your position I would try and find something local but cheaper - are there any B&B's (even a travelodge, at least they're cheap) nearby-ish?

I know how you feel - when the 'first wave' of my friends got married (when we were all in our mid-20's and broke!) everyone was put up at the bride/groom's parents, local B&B's, rooms over pubs, that kind of thing - the expectation was that no-one had more than £25 ahead to spend on a room, if that!

fast forward 10 years or so, and as everyones now in mid/late 30's, all of a sudden weddings are at luxury country hotels and everyone is expected to lay out £75+ per head per night, plus transport, present etc.
Am going to a wedding soon on my own which is going to cost me £100 at least for a room, £40 train fare, same if not more on taxis..... it's SUCH a lot for just one day

We've often stayed in the yorkshire dales, there are hundreds of very reasonable b&bs or you could even hire a cottage for your whole family for a week for not much more than the two nights in a hotel!

She may have booked the hotel without asking because often if a bride and groom get the 'wedding party' to take a certain number of rooms, they get their room free or some other discount for themselves.....

HOTT, I would ring her and tell her things are tight financially for you at the moment and tell you you won't stay at the hotel but will book a B&B nearby but that you will come to the hotel early and help her to get ready.

BTW, you sound a bit resentful that it is the longest you've been away from your ds. Is it a no-kids affair?

I agree with you, I was in a situation similar to this once. I have a very wealthy friend and at the time I was a bit hard-up. Anyway I told my friend that i was short of cash and she could not quite 'get it'. Your hard earned money is precious to you and your family which come before this friend. (sorry to say that). Explain you cannot afford hotel or B&B, plus dress, etc. If she cannot understand your situation then she is not a true friend. Why does it have to cost people a bloody fortune just to be a guest now days!

Yup, no kids. Fine, but I don't think she understands the full implications of that for us (how could she understand? I wouldn't have before I had children).

What can you recommend, Flibbertyjibbet? Anything good near Skipton?

How old is ds? I only ask because I left ds4 for the first time at 5 months, he was bf and he was absolutely fine! Mind you, bottle-refusenik ds3 would have been different!

He'll be 2 by then. Not BF anymore, will have brilliant time at grandma's, I'm sure! It just hurts my heart a bit to be without him.

I would see if you could stay elsewhere as that does seem awfully pricey!

Surely she'd understand?

I'm only about 30 miles from skipton....

The bit of the dales we've been to is wensleydale which is much further from us.

Would you stay in a b&b? What is the venue for the wedding then I might know it [nosey emoticon]

When is the wedding?

for example

Now that might be a bit downmarket for you but would save you nearly £200 over the two nights.

I just googled b&b skipton, you could search for cottages etc as well, many do a weekend rate off season but that would depend on when the wedding is.

Have to say, if ds is your PFB ( and I mean that in the nicest possible way!) leaving him will of course be a wrench! But you should probably treat it as a break for you and dp to get to "know" each other again in the Biblical sense, of course!

Loads of guest houses in Ilkley (am from there). Its a 20 min drive from skipton at most.

I seriously think you're looking at about £700 all in if you don't ditch that hotel room. I hate to say it. Just tell her you "don't want to miss out on any of the fun, i.e. hen etc" so that means you have to economise somewhere and thanks but you've found a local B&B. She will get over it.

I have a wedding abroad to go to later this year, with petrol, ferry crossings, accommodation, hen night, stag night, outfits, wedding presents, it was going to cost us nearly £1000 to go!!

We've managed to reduce it alot by not saying in the hotel (£200 per night) and found a cheap b&b (£35 per night!!) but it's still pricey. (Although we were told this was not good enough asdh is best man and apparently must be at groom's beck snd call for a ful 48 hours ! wtf?!

Can you tell your friend you just can't afford it,and that unfortunately although she's only getting married once, you are unable to spend so much as you still have bills to pay, and your bank mamager will not let you off your mortage just because she's getting marries!

BUYING your bridesmaid dress?
No way!
Also, any mega-weddings I have been to, the bride and groom had provided accommodation for the best man and bridesmaid if it has to be in the wedding location.

YANBU

God, I hate weddings. Such drama.

Do it the way you can afford it. We allow people to put so much pressure on us, it's daft.

YANBU, but I would have turned down the invitation to be a bridesmaid, tbh.

YANBU - She sounds completely self indulgent. Having a wedding and a hen night that cost guests the price of a small holiday I have always thought indulgent and on that basis before I have always vetoed anyone's hen night where it meant having to pay to go away anywhere. The venue sounds positively ridiculous (I am sure most people feel the same way you do), as does the fact that you have to pay for your own bridesmaid's dress. In fact if I were you I would tell her straight out that you can't actually afford the bridesmaid's dress on the basis that the rest of the event is so expensive and would she mind awfully if you wore something out of your existing wardrobe.

Sorry to be so aggressive about this but I really hate this sort of thing.

I've done the sums. Gulp.

If we do everything the way she wants us to do it, hen and wedding will cost us £967!!!!!!!!!!

If we stay at a travel inn on the way there, borrow a car rather than hire one, and if I ask to stay at her house on the sofa for the hen night rather than in the serviced apartments she's booked for everyone the total is £675.

Stone the crows.

If you are looking for a nice b&b in skipton can really recommend Park Hill right in Skipton www.parkhillskipton.co.uk/ at £60 per room per night its good value as the rooms are nice and the breakfasts amazing or Herriots is good (and right opposite the train station) but a bit more expensive I think.

Christ on a bike HOTT that sum is

Seriously I would cry of the hen do, my DHs best man missed the stag do due to conflicting commitments but . DH was disappointed but philosophical.

That is a serious amount of money for one weekend and associated hen do!