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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed that one of dd's classmates and her mother turned up univited to a very small birthday party?

115 replies

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 11:47

Apologies if this gets a bit confusing. I am writing this on behalf of my friend who can only use the WWW in her library.

She came to me yesterday and was venting, she was really furious and after I calmed her down I could see her point, however it appears that many of the other parents don't.

Last week her dd had a very small intimate party with her closest friends (her dd is quiet shy and reserved) it was made up of three younger family members her closest female and male friends from school and her.

It was just a few of them and their carers and the party was in a public venue.

A child in her dd's class turned up on the day with her mother in tow and she just parked up and directed her dd to the gathering party. My mate told her it was only a very small party (it was very expensive per child) and that they weren't invited. The mother told my friend that her DD was devastated that she was ignored and not invited as she would be invited to her daughter?s party in July. Whilst my friend was distracted by her baby the mother pissed off (out of the shop)and picked up her dd when the party had finished without a word.

She's really upset, her dd doesn't like this girl at all- the mother is very well known for causing trouble in these situations (often taking all her three to parties uninvited). It caused a lot of bad feeling on the day.
I've told her that she should bill the mother the £20 and that she shouldn't subsidise the woman's childs activities like the other school mums appear to.

The fellow mums there say to brush it off as she's done much worse Would appreciate any other POV

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 19/05/2009 16:54

I remember the opposite scenario happening when I was a child - escorted my younger sister around to a neighbours house, sister clad in party frock, clutching a present. The neighbour's youngest had invited her to her party. The neighbour answered the door, took the present, announced that there was no party and slammed the door!

She was definitely a loon and her dd was found to be a frequent fibber!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 19/05/2009 17:42

Admittedly some people simply are very rude and selfish because they are aware that the majority of other people don't like to make a fuss (ie no matter how they feel, most people wouldn't do anything hurtful to a child dumped on them like this because most people would put the child't feelings first.) I don't know if you can call this any kind of medical issue or 'personality disorder' - it;s certainly a type of personality, who doesn't mind about being rude as long as s/he gets her own way, but it's difficult to deal with when DC are involved.

Greensneeze · 19/05/2009 19:41

bit nasty to do that to the child though katiestar, it's not her fault

NeedaNewName · 19/05/2009 19:44

How awful for the child.

I liked the suggestion that someone else made re welcoming the child into the party at the time, but then telling the mother if she ever did it again you would call the police and SS to report an abandoned child. And I would also certainly tell her she needs to pay up, I just wouldn't do it in front of the child.

MollieO · 19/05/2009 20:15

Very sad for the child and the child whose birthday party it was. Sounds as if the mum is a sociopath imo. If it happened to me then I would be speaking to the mum to ask her to pay the £20 extra it cost to have her dd at the party. I would also make sure first that my dc hadn't invited this dd. I might have missed it but I wonder how old these children are and whether the birthday child might have invited her and not told her mum?

peanutbutterkid · 19/05/2009 20:21

Adults Ive known with Aspergers wouldn't respond with a screaming match like OP describes, or insisting their child must be invited just because they want them to be. They'd respond with sincere confusion & then embarassment bcuz they realised they'd misread social cues (again).

duchesse · 19/05/2009 20:26

I was thinking more along the lines of borderline personality disorder (which sounds like a fancy name for narcissistic, self-obsessed and unyielding- aka deeply unpleasant).

Original poster
iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 20:28

As has been suggested earlier. I was thinking about the whole dd inviting her and not telling the mum scenario(as it's something my own dc's do- blow hot and cold when it comes to party invites) and friend definitely said to the mum she hadn't been invited and the mum told my friend
-oh she's been so upset not to get an invite- so it doesn't sound to me like she could've gotten the wrong end of the stick does it/add up? I don't know. I think this has been useful as there are so many different opinions and even my own opinion has changed slightly on the whole matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 20:29

I don't know what to say other than ta. I have printed off the thread for her to see.

I've mentioned some of the bits and pieces on the phone, she doesn't think that said mum has a mental problem but more an attitude problem and according to her, the children are exceptionally well behaved, quiet and delightful girls, the youngest just happen to get along with hers.

That's a really horrible story about the woman with the lovers.

OP posts:
bigchris · 19/05/2009 20:32

I agree with those who have said tell your friend to do nothing
Think of her poor dd
She's going to be friendless at this rate
For her sake I would ignore the mother's behaviour

katiestar · 19/05/2009 20:36

I don't think the mum has a mental illness.I think she knows when she's on to a good thing ! She doesn't gives a damn about anyone else just as long as her little darling is happy.t.

I would probably have done as others have suggested and led her to the venue's management.Otherwise the mum will just do the same thing time and time again.OK the child might be distressed by this but that is the mum's doing , not the partyholder's.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 19/05/2009 20:50

Oh FFS she doesn't need to seek revenge! Imagine how embarrassing that would be for the poor child! Your friend should definitely say something though, but just along the lines of maybe..."You do know it is rude to come to a party uninvited don't you?" Explain how selfish it was, etc, that said I am generally socially inept, so I wouldn't really take my advice!

MANATEEequineOHARA · 19/05/2009 20:53

duchesse I have several friends with borderline personality disorder, and I can see where you are coming from with that. But still, someone has to tell her it is unacceptable, it probably is a good thing to keep in mind that she (obviously?) has SOME issues when talking to her about it though...

katiestar · 19/05/2009 20:56

Greensneezewrote 'bit nasty to do that to the child though katiestar, '

Tht'a just what the mum is relying on.The PARTY HOSTS AREN'T doing it to the child.Her mum is.It is hard , very,very hard on the child but You have to know where your responsibility ends.

CrushWithEyeliner · 19/05/2009 21:01

Poor little girl. Is it such a big deal?

To be honest I am aghast that anyone would drop her off to the supervisors to "deal with". I think that is sick.

I would have let the little girl join in and put on a bit of an act. Then had a word with the teacher or to the Mother's face that this was not on. END of.

Just imagine how the little girl would feel picking up on these horrible vibes. I think the suggestion of "revenge" really vindictive and quite pathetic really.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 19/05/2009 21:03

Katiestar But that would still make it WORSE for the child, just because a child's mother is an idiot, doesn't mean everyone should make life hard for the girl!

ButtercupWafflehead · 19/05/2009 21:06

I can't believe so many normal people would actually 'hand a child over to the management' as abandoned.

What a HORRIBLE thing to do to a CHILD!!!! It's not her fault is it?

Truly shocked by the meanness

Kimi · 19/05/2009 21:15

I think the other mother may has some mental health issues...you do not just dump an un invited child to a party.

If she is known for doing this I think the parents she has done this too need to confront her, and any other parent she tries to do it to must stand up to her and say No I am sorry but your child was not invited and we would thank you to leave.

Her DD will suffer for this as no one will want her at their partys, you can not force kids to be friends

sachertorte · 19/05/2009 21:18

OP, why not let the school know of the situation and let them decide if they need to take any further action. This would be in the interests of the child but would not punish her for her mother´s behaviour.

katiestar · 19/05/2009 21:25

But the OP said she has done this many times.Do you think it is doing her DD any favours,do you think it is making her popular ? She (the mother )obviously has more front than Brighton . She is playing on peoples' sense of pity for her child.I would not be manipulated into feeling responsible.That is just not fair Apart from anything else ,next year I might end up with half a dozen gate crashers.It is ,as I have said, very hard for the child but it is her mother's doing not anyone elses.In any case £28 is an awful lot of money,and what about the poor child whose bithday it was, who didn't like the said gatecrasher.

sachertorte · 19/05/2009 21:31

Katie, I haven´t seen anywhere that the OP said that the school had been informed of this situation, just that she is known in the community as an unpleasant character. That´s not the same thing. Where does the OP say the school were informed?

katiestar · 19/05/2009 21:35

Do you mean me Saher ?I haven't said anything about school I don't think.

sachertorte · 19/05/2009 21:42

Yes, oops, just realised you were responding to Kimi..

LoveBuckets · 19/05/2009 21:43

The mum has some real social skills issues by the sound of it, either she never had any or she is going through something. I would have to speak to her at a convenient time later and reiterate the main reasons I was upset. Actually I might have to write it in a note as I'm crap at confrontation.

Greensneeze · 19/05/2009 21:56

I understood the point katiestar but I personally couldn't do something so cruel and humiliating to a little girl. She suffers enough, by the sound of it.

I would concentrate my efforts on the mother - I would want the money back, and I would want to get across to her in no uncertain terms that this was rude, selfish and unacceptable.

But taking it out on her child - that's worse than the original "crime" IMO.