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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed that one of dd's classmates and her mother turned up univited to a very small birthday party?

115 replies

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 11:47

Apologies if this gets a bit confusing. I am writing this on behalf of my friend who can only use the WWW in her library.

She came to me yesterday and was venting, she was really furious and after I calmed her down I could see her point, however it appears that many of the other parents don't.

Last week her dd had a very small intimate party with her closest friends (her dd is quiet shy and reserved) it was made up of three younger family members her closest female and male friends from school and her.

It was just a few of them and their carers and the party was in a public venue.

A child in her dd's class turned up on the day with her mother in tow and she just parked up and directed her dd to the gathering party. My mate told her it was only a very small party (it was very expensive per child) and that they weren't invited. The mother told my friend that her DD was devastated that she was ignored and not invited as she would be invited to her daughter?s party in July. Whilst my friend was distracted by her baby the mother pissed off (out of the shop)and picked up her dd when the party had finished without a word.

She's really upset, her dd doesn't like this girl at all- the mother is very well known for causing trouble in these situations (often taking all her three to parties uninvited). It caused a lot of bad feeling on the day.
I've told her that she should bill the mother the £20 and that she shouldn't subsidise the woman's childs activities like the other school mums appear to.

The fellow mums there say to brush it off as she's done much worse Would appreciate any other POV

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/05/2009 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bathsheba · 19/05/2009 13:14

There are a few things that have caused me thought...

My DD continually invites everyone round to our house - I've picked her up from preschool saying "I've invited xxx for a sleepover" at which point I turn very very pale...but fortunately all the parents know that is just something children do. Could it be that the party child invited this little girl

I can see how your friend would be upset but I have to say I'd never be able to say to someone "I'm sorry, you aren't invited"...

If this Mum is a serial offender then it sounds to me like she must have either childcare issues and needs a few hours off on a Saturday afternoon or that she needs some emotional support (again, does she see this as her only possibility for a break)...

If your friend has the sympathetic ear of a teacher then I'd have a word with them - from the point of view of the child and also from the point of view of the mother needing some support....Is this a friendly little girl - there seems to be a lot of parties happening that she isn't invited to but that it is easy for the Mum to find out all the time and place details. There are often parties that we aren't invited to at preschool but I'd never be able to find out the details without blatantly asking someone.

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 13:16

Well perhaps my friend made up the whole event so that we didn't have to talk about my collection of garden ornaments, even going as far as renting out a venue and having a party. This I suppose could be a possibility.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 19/05/2009 13:23

I would say it seems quite clear that the mum has mental health issues as it's such anti social behaviour.

I would have escorted the child away from the party and left her with the staff at the party venue to deal with.

Fimbo · 19/05/2009 13:24

What a terrible position to but your friend in.

My friend only invited a few to her son's party and one mother came up to her asking where her son's invite was in a menacing way (I was there). My friend felt really threatened and awkward and had to say the boy could come.

peanutbutterkid · 19/05/2009 13:28

But how did this rude woman know when & where to go -- so often, especially? I'm not saying anybody made anything up, but I don't know how I could get hold of such info if I wanted it.

My revenge would be...spread the word about this kind of behavior. Next party her dc not invited to, Get many parents to talk loudly in her presence about the party, but stating one key incorrect detail: Wrong location. So right time plus about 40 minutes, right child, but wrong venue, somewhere 10 miles in the wrong direction. Go to the trouble of making up fake invites to idly let fall into her hands -- keep the real invites oral only, if possible.

What a loon. Her poor dc.

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 13:35

I have NO idea.

I didn't think to ask her. I can only guess that in a small school it may be fairly easy to find out if people are having parties (from chatting to other mums?)and there is only one shopping centre that offers stuffed animal parties locally. I would not know about how she got the time and I don't know how she has done in the past. I was told she does this repeatedly.

I can't believe that a mum would ask for her child to be invited in a menacing way (as stated below) that is worse in my view but these things happen.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/05/2009 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sleepyeyes · 19/05/2009 13:41

Bloody hell I've heard it all now!
That mother sounds very strange, poor child.
If I was your friend I wouldn't have paid and informed the owners a child had been abandoned.

katiestar · 19/05/2009 13:45

God.I really don't know what I would have done.
(Not very helpful,sorry)

Rhubarb · 19/05/2009 13:47

Fake invites? So you would be happy for this little girl to be dragged to a non-existent party would you?

Does the mother suffer from any kind of mental illness? Or does she have autism? It's worth having a word with the teacher to find out if there are issues with this mother. Because she is displaying a lack of social skills and she may not even be aware that what she does is out of line.

I would then ask if the class teacher could take the mother to one side and tell her of the parents concerns. I would leave it to the teacher to do this as they are more experienced at dealing with loopy parents. If other parents do it, she's likely to feel backed into a corner and will get very defensive. So the school should do it.

I would not ask for the money back, but I would ensure that this is reported, for the girl's sake more than anything. Someone needs to talk to the mother before her daughter becomes the victim of bullying and finds herself with no friends at all.

DottedPyjamas · 19/05/2009 13:49

I agree completely with Rhubarb.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 19/05/2009 13:50

Yup, Rhubarb is right here: plotting mischevious vengeance on the mother will only harm the child, whos fault this is not. Someone does need to have a word with this woman, I think - she may well have Asspergers or soemthing simlar and not actually understand that her behaviour is inadvisable.

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 13:53

I'm sorry. I feel really useless now not being able to answer alot of questions asked of me. I don't think she has mental health issues, from what my friend describes she is a deeply unpleasant woman and comes from a similar family of trouble makers (her mother sounds rather bad too)

I wouldn't make fake invites no. Too much effort for me but I do stand by my suggestion of billing the mum and I would have confronted her if it had been my do but then I'm not bothered if someone has a history of being rude, it wouldn't stop me.

OP posts:

treedelivery · 19/05/2009 14:01

That's such a good plan Rhubarb.

Rhubarb · 19/05/2009 14:01

Do you know this woman? Or are you going off your friend's description? Bearing in mind that your friend is very angry and therefore rather bias.

I seriously would inform the class teacher and ask her to have a word with this mum. Because if you don't stop this here, that little girl is going to get very hurt.

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 14:06

She has two older girls too. I don't know the lady in question but this is a small town and I think she has a reputation.

I am going on what my friend has told me. Of course there is every possibility that she is incredibly rude with no manners.

OP posts:

peanutbutterkid · 19/05/2009 14:09

I think you misunderstand me, Rhubarb.

The child would not to be invited to a non-existent party.
But the mother would hear gossip about a non-existent party, and she might even happen to find a bit of paper with relevant details on it (bit of paper not addressed to her or her child).
It's up to the mother if she tells her child she's going, and drags the child along, uninvited, per usual.
Only to find that it is, in fact, a non-existent party.
Considering the number of parties the child has attended that she didn't even get invited to, it wouldn't be that much of a disappointment, only a puzzle from the child's viewpoint.
I wouldn't suggest such an elaborate trick, except that this loony mother is such a serial offender about turning up with uninvited child.

I can't believe this loony mother has Asperger's, I reckon that she has a mighty chip on her shoulder.

Rhubarb · 19/05/2009 14:15

So how would you ensure that a fake invite just happens to fall into her hands?

I'm sorry, but misunderstanding or not, this sounds very cruel to me. However I respect your diagnosis of this woman just having a chip on her shoulder. How you can tell that from a few posts on Mumsnet by someone who hasn't even met the woman I don't know - very clever of you.

Scotia · 19/05/2009 14:23

I agree that would be a cruel thing to do to the little girl, whatever you might think of her mother.

duchesse · 19/05/2009 14:36

Responding to OP- This woman's is outrageous. To a point where I am left wondering whether she might have some sort of social disorder. She is clearly off her nut in some way. Can your friend talk to her DD's class teacher about this woman's behaviour, since telling her directly has clearly not worked, and see if the teacher has any suggestions?

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 15:43

Yes, I will suggest this to her. I'm going to print off the thread for her so she can read all suggestions.

OP posts:

MillyR · 19/05/2009 16:22

There is a mother with a child at my children's school who behaved in this way. She has crashed my DS's parties, dropped him off at our house, supposedly for half an hour in the afternoon and not returned until 11pm and was also the woman who refused to return DS's winter coat (previous thread).

She does this to many other parents. I don't think she has any kind of special need; she is just taking the piss and has a number of lovers she needs to see without her husband finding out, so she needs childcare.

I let the situation drag on and on until one day she phoned up:

Her: can you look after X?
My DH: No
Her: Why not.
My DH: Because we have our own lives to lead.

He put the phone back and we have not heard from her since. I know I should feel sorry for her son but he is badly behaved that I find it very difficult.

My advice to your friend would be to be firm in future.

Greensneeze · 19/05/2009 16:37

Aspergers is a possibility - but it's not an excuse. People with Aspergers can learn a great deal about social interaction and I find it hard to believe that a woman who has managed to get three children to school age has no idea that this is extremely rude and offensive behaviour.

I wouldn't dump the little girl on the shop staff, I think you'd have to have a heart of stone to do that frankly. I would have made her welcome, paid without mentioning it and tried to integrate her and give her a nice couple of hours' break from her barking mother.

I would probably send a terse note and ask for the money back though, and try to explain how wrong this sort of thing is.

Poor little girl

SusieDerkins · 19/05/2009 16:42

Blimey - medical diagnoses on the basis of a second hand story over the internet. Impressive.

I'm shocked that so many posters would make the child feel so unwelcome or even turn her over to security to say she's been abandoned. That's atrocious.

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