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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed that one of dd's classmates and her mother turned up univited to a very small birthday party?

115 replies

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 11:47

Apologies if this gets a bit confusing. I am writing this on behalf of my friend who can only use the WWW in her library.

She came to me yesterday and was venting, she was really furious and after I calmed her down I could see her point, however it appears that many of the other parents don't.

Last week her dd had a very small intimate party with her closest friends (her dd is quiet shy and reserved) it was made up of three younger family members her closest female and male friends from school and her.

It was just a few of them and their carers and the party was in a public venue.

A child in her dd's class turned up on the day with her mother in tow and she just parked up and directed her dd to the gathering party. My mate told her it was only a very small party (it was very expensive per child) and that they weren't invited. The mother told my friend that her DD was devastated that she was ignored and not invited as she would be invited to her daughter?s party in July. Whilst my friend was distracted by her baby the mother pissed off (out of the shop)and picked up her dd when the party had finished without a word.

She's really upset, her dd doesn't like this girl at all- the mother is very well known for causing trouble in these situations (often taking all her three to parties uninvited). It caused a lot of bad feeling on the day.
I've told her that she should bill the mother the £20 and that she shouldn't subsidise the woman's childs activities like the other school mums appear to.

The fellow mums there say to brush it off as she's done much worse Would appreciate any other POV

OP posts:

treedelivery · 19/05/2009 12:13

What bizarre behaviour.

I can't imagine a scenario where I would take my dd to a pary she wasn't invited to, have 'words' and leave. Without dd!

How bizarre!

SammyK · 19/05/2009 12:14

YANBU!

I would have handed the situation over to the shop staff too, took one to one side and explained that the child had been left knowingly, and that as you don't want to be held responsible for her, nor pay, you are handing the issue over to them.

Poor kid!

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 12:14

This is what I was told to give you an idea.

A few years ago she(brazen mother) was quite vocal about her dislike for another young girl in her eldest dd's class. Many other parents witnessed her slagging off the child and her parents were told.

She turned up uninvited at that girls birthday party but did hang around after the parents confronted her- she started a screaming match- then left. Nice.

OP posts:

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 19/05/2009 12:15

I feel dreadfully sorry for the madwoman's DD. It must be appalling for her because children know when they are not wanted and this poor little girl must be abjectly humiliated on a regular basis. The other kids are going to start bullying her soon if they haven't already ('Ergh, it's X, her mother doesn't want her and we don't either').
This behaviour is so OTT that I really would wonder a bit about the mother's mental health and ability to care adequately for a child.

TrillianAstra · 19/05/2009 12:16

I was thinking call the police (on non-emergency number) to say that you'd seen a woman abandon her child in a public place. But that is a lot of hassle to go through when you are already busy with a party.

I guess she's banking on the fact that no-one can be bothered to go through the hassle of calling her up on her behaviour.

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/05/2009 12:16

Charming. How can she have so little understanding about the effect this is going to have on her dd??

OrmIrian · 19/05/2009 12:18

Poor little girl

OlympedeGouges · 19/05/2009 12:24

i feel very sorry for the little girl. The mother does sound deranged. For the little girl's sake though I would not have said anything. No present is incredibly rude though

stoppinattwo · 19/05/2009 12:25

Poor little girl and I am very sorry your friend was put in this position....All i would add is that I hope you can take the mral higher ground and make this little girl feel as welcome as possible and part of the party

and at the next opportunity get the mother on her own and firmly tell her "if you ever pull another stunt like that at my DD's party again I will call the police and report your child abandoned!!"

treedelivery · 19/05/2009 12:26

Go stoppinattwo - I like it!

Especially the hiss. I agree with you.

WilyWombat · 19/05/2009 12:32

I feel horribly sorry for her little girl, how awful. OK kids get a bit upset if they are not invited to a party but they soon get over it dont they, this behaviour is making it worse.

Personally I would send her a note, say it will not be tolerated again, it was distressing for her child and next time you will call the police.

If you try to speak to her about it I think she sounds like she will kick off!

Lovesdogsandcats · 19/05/2009 12:34

Awful, really hardfaced.

Dailrylea please tell us the things that she has done that are WORSE than this!

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/05/2009 12:38

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 12:41

You are all so much nicer than me I hadn't even considered how bad this could be for the lady's dd.

OP posts:

MoChan · 19/05/2009 12:43

I agree, she should bill her.

Poor little girl.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/05/2009 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BalloonSlayer · 19/05/2009 12:49

OK so just HOW did this woman know not only that the party was taking place but

a - where it was, and
b - what time it was

Because my DCs don't know what time parties are, and I am not sure they would even know what time their own parties are.

Smell a rat, sorry.

Also - is it not possible that the DD might have invited the other child informally at school? Kids do this all the time. Surely that would be in the back of your mind if someone had turned up invited, you would never say to the mother and child "it was only a very small party (it was very expensive per child) and that they weren't invited" - the poor kid would be devastated. It'd be the sort of thing that would traumatise you for life.

Anyone who told a child who had turned up to a party thinking they were going, that they were not invited and attempted to turn them away would have to be pretty heartless. Almost as bad as the mother who created the situation.

But I don't believe it happened.

And why the AIBU? The OP recommends confrontation and billing the other woman £20. Then posts again to say that when confronted before "she started a screaming match". So that's great advice then

StayFrosty · 19/05/2009 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poledra · 19/05/2009 12:51

ihateDairyLea, we're not much nicer than you. We are outside the situation and it's easier to see all sides then. It must have been very difficult for you to deal with this on a day when you wanted to be concentrating on your DD, and making her day perfect. So, I feel sorry that you had the extra stress to deal with on your DD's birthday, and I also feel sorry for that poor little girl whose mother is well on the way to making her a social outcast

Original poster

iHateDairyLea · 19/05/2009 12:54

I'm afraid I can't answer those questions.

I don't know how she found out, it was only a small gathering and most was family including aunts/granny etc. I only learned of the screaming match after she was telling me the story of her own daughter's party (when I asked what kind of stuff is she "known" for). I also don't know if my friend's dd had invited her- not according to my friend.

Sorry I can't be any clearer.

OP posts:

Poledra · 19/05/2009 12:56

Sorry, just realised that it was your friend's DD and not your own! WIll read OP more closely in future.

PlumBumMum · 19/05/2009 13:00

No present thats completely rude,
but I would wonder how the other mum found out about the party, I normally speak to the mums of the children going to my dcs parties before invitations go out, my ds takes it upon himself to invite all and sundry to dd's birthdays never mind his own

ramonaquimby · 19/05/2009 13:04

you really can't invoice or send her a note asking for the money - chalk it up to a bad experience. Certainly say you (or your friend) was out of pocket and it wasn't appreciated, but I wouldn't go so far as to do that. Or call the police to report an unaccompanied minor - the poor little girl.

DottedPyjamas · 19/05/2009 13:06

Is this a real situation? It all sounds a bit far fetched to me, that a woman would arrive uninvited (I thought at first that the birthday child must have invited her child in class) and then leave when the hosts clearly didn't want the child there.

And also, how could your friend tell someone who arrived at the party that they were not welcome??? That horrifies me to be honest that people are so inhospitable, what if it had been a genuine mistake and they thought they'd been invited? Hearing what the mother did makes me want to keep away from them as much as possible but I don't think your friend has been very nice either (if she'd said that after she'd known that the mum was trying to push her way in forcibly would have been different).

dilemma456 · 19/05/2009 13:10

Message withdrawn

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