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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give a mindee notice because he makes my dc miserable?

89 replies

OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 11:04

Hi am feeling really today. Have just had 2 weeks off work as I am currently only minding one mindee and he went on holiday. He came back yesterday and cried solidly from 7.30-1 when I dropped him at nursery. There was no reason for the crying and I tried to ask what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. He cried whenever it was a meal time and this started off my dd (aged 8 months) he is almost 3. Am wondering if it is for attention. I know its not because he has just had 2 weeks off as was doing this before he went too. My problem is I do this job not only because I enjoy it but because I am able to look after my own children this way (sorry to say but after 16 years in childcare I would prefere to do it myself I have met some real rotters over the years!) My ds (3 1/2) has now asked if he can go to pre-school every day so he doesn't have to see x and also if he can not go to toddlers so he can go to 'school' with his friends and not with x. I am really because I am feeling that I want to be with my dc who don't want to be here because of x. What would you do he is my only mindee and I need the money? I tried to talk to mum this morning but she couldn't get away quick enough and he was already crying. I have a new mindee in Sept and another one has asked for a Sept start which I have said I will get back to her about as x is due to go to pre-school but mum forgot to ask for a place as now he is on waiting list. Mum has told me once he gets a place he will be using his 5 sessions and I will be dropping down. This other possible mindee would be 2 days week and the definite new starter is full time. What do you think is it time to say goodbye to this mindee based on the fact he is making my dc miserable and my dh wont come home from work until he knows he has gone as can't be doing with the tears? Or do I persevere and see if he gets better (have had him since 5 months so not a settling in issue either. Today so far he has cried because he wants his cup and the pushchair they are both in the same room as him he just has to get up to get them. So AIBU to give notice because he makes my dc miserable?

OP posts:
ProstetnicVogonJeltz · 19/05/2009 11:07

Don't think you are. Poor kid is obviously miserable too so would probably be best all round.
(that's not saying he's miserable because of you or you DCs. he just sounds miserable and might be happier somewhere else.)

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 11:14

I think the tears are because my ds (3 1/2) has just started pre-school 5 sessions so he is here with just me and dd. Nothing has changed we still do all the same acrtivities toddlers etc and I still play with him with whatever toy he wants but he still just cries. Also I think there is an underlying issue at home he now comes at 7.30 and mum is always really stressed when she drops off, am wondering if his days start by mummy shouting at him to get ready to get here on time as she has an hours commute and then he is left wonderng if she is still cross? Not sure but definite possibility cos she pretty much throws him through door and gone before even got his shoes off some days without a kiss bye either

OP posts:
littlelamb · 19/05/2009 11:17

Obviously you will be upset if it is upsetting your own dc. But it is your job to look after this child, who is displaying what I would say is probably normal (but undeniably difficult) behaviour> Am a bit at your judgement of his mother too- very nice

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 11:37

Am not judging mother just thinking of possible reasons for his behaviour as can't work out where it has come from. I actually get on very well with her and have known her for almost 3 years which is why I am wondering if this is possible. Also because she has told me in past that she gets very stressed having to get ready on time to get him here and then to work an hour away

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 19/05/2009 11:41

How long has he been with you for?

if you know the mum well and you think there is an issue at home, then talk to her

FWIW, my nearly 3 year old is going through a period where his behaviour is pretty challenging and i woudl be devestated if my childcarer's insticnt was to ask him to leave

tiredandwornoutmum · 19/05/2009 11:43

I think it's all very sad and also a bit at you making wild guesses about the causes of his crying.

I would say that he seems unhappy to be with you..so probably for the best for him, if you give notice.

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 11:46

Have had him for 2 1/2 years since he was 5 months. The behaviour isn't what I would call challenging and I am not the sort of person that gives notice with no good reason. I am wondering as well as he was 'the baby' of the house until dd was born 8 months ago if he is taking her birth harder than I though he would but then like I said before nothing here has really changed so am completely confused Thank you for your comments you are really helping me think things through

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 19/05/2009 12:03

2.5 years is a long time

talk to them mum - work with her

shouldn't giving notice be a last resort? Unless there are other issues re your intake next September ...

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 12:18

Notice would definitely be a last resort and I am going to try to talk with parents though may have to arrange a meeting one evening as drop offs and collects are so quick. There is no issue with the Sept start at all I can have all 3 mindees and still be in my numbers as not all here at same time. I suppose the only issue would be that it would make life very hard for me settling in 1 or 2 new mindees if I am having to consantly settle the mindee that has been here the longest. Like I have said from Sept I don't know how long he is here for until he drops part time as it depends how long takes for his preschool to have a space open up

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 19/05/2009 12:21

Your child has to come first.

Your DH is being a prat by not coming home. Why not come home and be a dad to his upset child fgs?

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 12:32

He isn't at all to be fair what I should have put was he either comes home and plays upstairs with ds. Or stays aweay if mindee on a bad day so he doesn't loose his temper.

OP posts:
Lovesdogsandcats · 19/05/2009 12:40

So, your dh may lose his temper if a 3 yr old crying and will not stop?

FabulousBakerGirl · 19/05/2009 12:46

I was only going on what you put in your OP

"my dh wont come home from work until he knows he has gone as can't be doing with the tears?"

tiredandwornoutmum · 19/05/2009 12:50

The thing is, as a minder, you will come across all sorts of children with all sorts of behaviours..and you will need to have startegies to cope with these. It's very idealistic to expect every mindee to get on brilliantly with your own children.

And as for your dh losing his temper because a 3 year old cries...well I'm not sure that you being a cm fits in with him?

LovingTheRain · 19/05/2009 13:05

YANBU, give him notice and get rid!

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 13:12

Its not that he looses his temper just because a 3 year old cries it is just imagine how you would feel if you had been up since 5 at work 8 hours get in the house and want to spend couple hours with your own kids then have to put up with mindee crying for no reason. He usually has all the patience in the world with the mindees and the older ones I have in the holidays love him, but he can't understand why x would cry for no reason when he never used to, anyway my question not about dh with mindee.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 19/05/2009 13:15

Yes, but, the 3 year old clearly has a reason to cry.

acebaby · 19/05/2009 13:30

Why don't you discuss this with the boy's mother? Perhaps between you, you can think of a solution, which might be, for example, the child to move onto another childcare setting; change the arrangements for the morning drop off; speak to his mother on the phone during the day for a bit of reassurance...

I would set up a meeting or a phone conversation in the evening or at the weekend when things aren't as frantic and try to get to the bottom of what has gone wrong.

In my opinion, if you have been looking after the boy for a while and have known his mother for 3 years, YABU to give notice without having done this.

BillSilverFoxBuchanan · 19/05/2009 13:39

Have you, at any point, had a talk with the childs mother to discuss reasons why he might be crying all day?

From what you say it has been going on a while.

Children cry for all sorts of reasons.

BillSilverFoxBuchanan · 19/05/2009 13:41

The 'there was no reason for the crying' in your first post seems very dismissive of this childs obvious upset.

I can understand that it's difficult to juggle the needs of your own children and your mindees but personally I'd be concerned as to what is disturbing this child so much that he can cry for hours on end and not feel able to talk to you about it.

sleepyeyes · 19/05/2009 14:01

It sounds like no one wants him there, you find him difficult, your son resents him, baby crying and your husband either won't come home or take your children upstairs. When you say he looses his temper at whom and is the mindee their? Maybe he is frightened of him.
I'd be furious if I was leaving my child at yours and your DH was stomping about grumpy and loosing his temper, it must make a horrible atmosphere.

It sounds like this little boy is very isolated and lonely and that is why he is crying. The fact is he is crying when he is in your care not his mums so I would be looking closer to home for the problem.

Original poster
OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/05/2009 14:09

He is crying in mums care too she said he had done it all weekend and doesn't know why. To clarify my dh does not loose his temper that is why he goes upstairs or stays at work. We have a rule in our house that we don't do that in front of the children as we both grew up surrounded by arguments etc. So no the atmosphere in the house is fine. He is not isolated at all we play and try to get him top join in but he doesn't and wont. He has also been like this at nurseryt as well so definitely not just here, I feel really sorry for him and wish I could help he usd to be quite a happy chap

OP posts:
potoroo · 19/05/2009 14:17

How long has he been back from holidays? My DS does not cope well with change and whenever we went on holidays/had people staying it often took a week or 2 for him to settle down again? Could it be as simple as that?
Or could he be unwell?

Sassybeast · 19/05/2009 14:19

I think you definately need to talk to the mum - if this is a new thing, there is obviously a reason 'why' he is crying. Yes ultimately, you need to think of your own child as well but it seems a bit sudden to decide to give notice when you haven't tried to address why there is an issue. And without meaning to, your frustration at his constant crying is probably affecting the way that you interact with him. And I do think that your husband is having a negative impact. A strange man coming in with a grumpy face and disappearing upstairs probably isn't doing a lot to reassure an unhappy little boy.

FabulousBakerGirl · 19/05/2009 14:36

How long as he been like this? Something must have happened. What changes has he had? Has something happened to him?