to give a mindee notice because he makes my dc miserable?

[OFSTEDoutstanding]

Hi am feeling really today. Have just had 2 weeks off work as I am currently only minding one mindee and he went on holiday. He came back yesterday and cried solidly from 7.30-1 when I dropped him at nursery. There was no reason for the crying and I tried to ask what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. He cried whenever it was a meal time and this started off my dd (aged 8 months) he is almost 3. Am wondering if it is for attention. I know its not because he has just had 2 weeks off as was doing this before he went too. My problem is I do this job not only because I enjoy it but because I am able to look after my own children this way (sorry to say but after 16 years in childcare I would prefere to do it myself I have met some real rotters over the years!) My ds (3 1/2) has now asked if he can go to pre-school every day so he doesn't have to see x and also if he can not go to toddlers so he can go to 'school' with his friends and not with x. I am really because I am feeling that I want to be with my dc who don't want to be here because of x. What would you do he is my only mindee and I need the money? I tried to talk to mum this morning but she couldn't get away quick enough and he was already crying. I have a new mindee in Sept and another one has asked for a Sept start which I have said I will get back to her about as x is due to go to pre-school but mum forgot to ask for a place as now he is on waiting list. Mum has told me once he gets a place he will be using his 5 sessions and I will be dropping down. This other possible mindee would be 2 days week and the definite new starter is full time. What do you think is it time to say goodbye to this mindee based on the fact he is making my dc miserable and my dh wont come home from work until he knows he has gone as can't be doing with the tears? Or do I persevere and see if he gets better (have had him since 5 months so not a settling in issue either. Today so far he has cried because he wants his cup and the pushchair they are both in the same room as him he just has to get up to get them. So AIBU to give notice because he makes my dc miserable?

If he is crying both at yours and at home and he used to be fairly happy, maybe there is a medical issue that needs investigating. That might be a good way to broach your concerns with mum too. I would be worried if a child was constantly grizzling for weeks on end. Having said that, he could have got himself in to a habit after your child left the setting for pre-school and may need a little change of routine to liven things up now he is the eldest there. I do think the GP should be his mum's 1st point of call though.

Are you thinking of an ear problem totalChaos?

Of course you got different responses on both threads - you abandoned this one and have thus far not answered any of the questions posed by myself and other posters as to why this little boy should be so upset.

Indeed, as mentioned above, you also got a fair amount of YABU type responses on the other thread whilst MN'ing instead of dealing with said child.

I don't think that there's any need to be quite so rude tbh. As someone who is actively looking for a childminder at the moment I am very shocked at your attitude on this thread with regards to how you view your profession and mindees.

shockers - yes either hearing or some sort of language delay - as both can cause frustration in a young child.

Have replied on your other post in CM, didn't realise was a dupe.

BSFB and everyone else too for that matter - please don't make the mistake of "tarring" us all with same brush

In reply to nonnsensenanny this is her only mindee.

Gosh no Mary Poppins, I certainly won't.... I think I must just have been very naive in thinking that CM's like the OP didn't exist iyswim?

No, they do as in all walks of life you get good uns and bad uns and ones in between. Go by your gut instinct and you won't go far wrong

and ask to contact current/previous parents.

Wondering same as TotalChaos re language. How does he communicate with you? How does he tell you what he likes and dislikes?

Maybe he has some sensory issues and there's something in your environment which is upsetting him, maybe he's in pain, who knows. It certainly doesn't sound as though he's happy in your care and that needs to be sorted asap for him. Poor little chap.

poor little boy

This whole thread entirely reinforces to me why I never felt comfortable with the idea of a CM who had her own pre-school age children. Am sure there are many who do a very good job in that situation but it always seemed to me it would be a case of the CM's DC's needs/wants etc being put over my children ie if their DC didnt get on with mine (whatever the reason) my DC are given notice.

I hope this poor boy's mum is sufficiently aware of & able to resolve his current upset, because it sounds as though the OP woud prefer simply to wash her hands of it all, no doubt anticpating the replacement mindees will fit in much better with her than the current one!

This thread must be terribly upsetting for anyone who uses a childminder, although this must surely (hopefully) be an extreme and unusual case.

The child is crying because he is desperately unhappy, and reading all your posts I'm not surprised. What an unwelcoming home for a 3 year old child to spend their day in. Your response to his unhappiness? Put in him an isolation unit every time he cries, and terrorise him via loneliness into stop crying. What a thing to do.

You should give notice as a professional recognition that this child is in a totally unsuitable environmment. Or you should do something positive, like take medical advice in case he is ill or suffering pain for some reason. I feel really sad that this little boy is spending these precious, formative years in this environment.

I am a childminder and feel very at this. The child is obviously very unhappy, and I do feel if you are only minding for the money, you are minding for the wrong reasons - Sorry, but I hate to hear that from childminders, and as a support minder I hear it quite often.

Childminding should not be seen as something you do for pin money, the children should always come first, yes, you need to balance the needs of your family as well, but minded children deserve the very best care you can provide.

I think your son is picking up on your negativity about the child, and as for your husband's attitude, I am shocked.

My DH has an office at home and he knows that some children take time to settle and can cry, but he respects that it is my business and supports me fully.

Harsh words maybe, but it is not a job you should take on lightly, it needs commitment to every child, not just your own. I have had difficult children, some need more support than others, and this child is telling you that.

The little boy needs to move on to somewhere he will feel loved and cherished, to have fun and be valued. For his sake, give notice.

Having read the OP's other thread, as another poster pointed out the little boy is crying when in the high chair because he is too old and big to be in one and he telling you that he wants to get out and play. It struck me that he conveyed this repeatedly quite clearly to the OP, but she just didn't get the message. Another indication that she is in the wrong job.

And just because he is unable to speak properly when in the OP's home, doesn't mean that he won't already be speaking well with other people by now, and if I was the OP I would be worrying what he was saying about me.

I posted on the other thread too. The responses are not that different actually.

Children are not to be trained into submission like dogs; isolating and neglegting children does indeed stop them crying. To all those that support the abuse of the sometimes appropriate reward charts/timeout (external controls on a child) I think they need to reassess the facts.

There IS something the matter here- it is glaringly obvious, how much clearer can the child make it? Try to understand the cause rather than simply controlling the annoying behaviour. I felt I was trying to support you Ofout/to help refocus on your role as child carer, since everything seemed to be getting on top of you. Please take action appropriate for the child. Don't just latch onto the few posts that seem to fit your worldview at the mo., as this seems compromised by your stress and introspection. You posted on here for a reason.

From what you say I am concerned about the parents lack of interst and also their acceptance of his crying/staring into space at home. From your experience you know this is not normal. Even if you give/have given notice for the sake of this human being's future you need to ensure they understand this. You are a hugely significant person in his early life. You are paid to care.

excellent post Oligo - you have expressed what I was trying to in a much less emotional way!

And btw, the OP suggested that many/most of the people disagreeing with her were working parents who only saw their children at weekends and didn't know what it was like to be with a crying child "24/7".

Setting aside the fact that the OP is NOT with this child 24/7 - he goes home to his parents every evening and spends time at toddler group - I'm afraid that's simply not true - many of the people who responded are SAHMs.

For myself - my DS1 is in nursery 3 mornings a week (like the OP's by the sound of it). Other than that I am currently home with him 24/7 and I have a 5 month old baby.

Yes, I don't have the stress of looking after someone else's child - but OP, you chose to do that and are taking money for it.

Finally, why should working parents not be entitled to input into this thread? Perhaps they don't know what it's like to be with a child all day, every day, but equally the OP doesn't know what it's like to leave your child in someone else's care, hoping that they will receive respectful treatment, professional care and yes - even affection, all of which seemed lacking in the OP. To be surprised that working parents were upset is a little naive.

OO Any update? How is the wee mannie? Have you gotten to talk with the parents yet?

Hi Yes I have had a long talk with his parents (they came round last night) we discussed what may have changed and whether it was the fact that he has just had 2 weeks off (I didn't mention in my first post that we have never been apart this long apart from when I was on maternity leave and then he went to a nursery, usually when he goes away he goes with lots of family this was the first time he had gone just him mum and dad) We discussed alot of different things and any changes the biggest change here is that my ds goes to pre-school so mindee has more time here on his own with just me and dd, the biggest change at home was that mum has a new job and is at home more. We discussed that before my ds went to preschool him and x would play really nicely and happily both with me and independently either alone or together. I mentioned that when ds is at preschool dd sleeps almost the whole time and I have tried to play games, colour, read stories etc with him and he wont let me join in, and then comes the really sad part and the reason I have been away for the past couple of days from
MN his parents turned round and said thats it then you've hit the nail on the head, It probably freaked him out that you were givng one to one to him as at home he always plays on his own or looks at books on his own or goes up to his bedroom and plays alone or sits in front of TV. This morning once we got back from school run I got him some toys out which he had asked for and then started playing next to him not actually with him, he eventually started to join in and is back to the happy boy he was before ds started school. The parents have asked me to help them with their play skills with him as they don't really know what to do (their words not mine) So things look to be back to normal except I feel really bad for not looking deeper into the problem and wonder if I am really in the right job after all.

Message withdrawn

ofsted - huge respect to you for sorting this out - and also for coming back to a thread which contained a lot of critical comments.

It sounds as though you absolutely are in the right job if you have been able to turn this around so quickly. We all get into bad professional habits occasionally, and sometimes it does take a crisis to shake up one's working practices, which is regrettable but understandable, particularly when you work alone and have little input.

I think you have handled this well and have been brave in coming back to this thread.

I hope the little boy's relationship with his parents benefits as well

Well done you, and i really hope you can help the parents to engage with and enjoy their lovely boy.

Why was he in the highchair?

I can not believe a child will cry all day because he wants to play alone.

I call my booster seats high chairs and Trip Traps are designed to go up to a fair age. A high chair is just a name for a chair that helps get a child up the same height as everyone else.
I've also got little chairs that attach to a low table for craft activities and meals. We call them high chairs too.
Good on you Ofsted.

I am well aware of that, thank you, no n,n.

I smell a rat.