to give a mindee notice because he makes my dc miserable?

[OFSTEDoutstanding]

Hi am feeling really today. Have just had 2 weeks off work as I am currently only minding one mindee and he went on holiday. He came back yesterday and cried solidly from 7.30-1 when I dropped him at nursery. There was no reason for the crying and I tried to ask what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. He cried whenever it was a meal time and this started off my dd (aged 8 months) he is almost 3. Am wondering if it is for attention. I know its not because he has just had 2 weeks off as was doing this before he went too. My problem is I do this job not only because I enjoy it but because I am able to look after my own children this way (sorry to say but after 16 years in childcare I would prefere to do it myself I have met some real rotters over the years!) My ds (3 1/2) has now asked if he can go to pre-school every day so he doesn't have to see x and also if he can not go to toddlers so he can go to 'school' with his friends and not with x. I am really because I am feeling that I want to be with my dc who don't want to be here because of x. What would you do he is my only mindee and I need the money? I tried to talk to mum this morning but she couldn't get away quick enough and he was already crying. I have a new mindee in Sept and another one has asked for a Sept start which I have said I will get back to her about as x is due to go to pre-school but mum forgot to ask for a place as now he is on waiting list. Mum has told me once he gets a place he will be using his 5 sessions and I will be dropping down. This other possible mindee would be 2 days week and the definite new starter is full time. What do you think is it time to say goodbye to this mindee based on the fact he is making my dc miserable and my dh wont come home from work until he knows he has gone as can't be doing with the tears? Or do I persevere and see if he gets better (have had him since 5 months so not a settling in issue either. Today so far he has cried because he wants his cup and the pushchair they are both in the same room as him he just has to get up to get them. So AIBU to give notice because he makes my dc miserable?

Does he cry at nursery too .Has he been taken to a doctor ,could he be in pain ?

I don't mean to be harsh and I can understanding how it must completely do your head in having so much crying to contend with, but you don't seem at all concerned about this LOs distress.Children don't cry for no reason especially not 2.5 hours non-stop

This sort of attitude is exactly why i'll never ever use a childminder again

How prepared are you and your dh for the day when your own lo will be nearly 3? Ime this is a far more difficult age than 8 months? Mine were very temperamental at this age.

If your dh is refusing to come home for tea because he can't cope with the tears of a mindee, how will he cope with a house constantly filled with the tantrums of his own child?

My ds is 3 and does not do this or if he does we manage to get an explanation. Its all sorted now anyway Thank you for your replies. It was very interesting as I posted both here and in childminders and the responses on both threads were really quite the opposite.
Thanks again

Have given notice for exactly the reasons as you Ofsted. Mum and I couldn't get to the bottom of why mindee cried all day (my ds went off to school and that was a factor I think) Mum was annoyed when i gave notice but he had to go!!

Don't feel guilty about it. It's your job but also your home and that has to count in any decision you make. FWIW my DH is great with most mindees but there have been some over the years that he has avoided. Nowt wrong with that.

I assume that you ARE going to give him notice and I think having read your other thread, it's a good idea. Leaving a 3 year old crying in ahigh chair while you are on a PC talking to a bunch of strangers about the problem, rather than the childs parents is not a particularly good reflection of your skills I'm afraid. I know that sounds harsh but i cannot believe that you haven't even TRIED to address the issue with his parents. I hope the family can find some good quality appropriate childcare for their son.

I can't believe that as a professional childminder, you have not spoken to the parents and tried to work out why this little boy is so unhappy. I am to think that his tears are a source of frustration rather than a cause for concern. I would have no problem with you deciding after having worked it through with the parents and no changes being made, to then decide it wasn't the right environment for the little boy and it wasn't working out for you, but before that I would expect a great deal of work to be done to try and improve the situation for the little boy

Ans as for your nickname, I hope that isn't a clue as to your grade from Ofsted, as I can't believe you got outstanding for relationships with parents or children.

I am a bit shocked at this thread - and particularly shocked that your two faces were about your own feelings, and not about the fact that this poor little boy is crying for hours and hours in your house.

How can you bear it? I know he's not your little boy but you say you've been caring for him for 2 1/2 years! I have more concern for the children I see once a week in the playground than you seem to be demonstrating on this thread.

Please don't get me wrong - I have a 3 yo and I know how hard it is when they have a whiney day, but this child is crying all day every day and you seem only concerned about your own DC.

I feel for this little boy to be honest - but I think you are right to give notice, not only for your DC's sake, but for his, as he is clearly not happy.

Sorry, I am not trying to put the boot in here - but am just astounded that you can care for a child for so long and be (apparently) so unconcerned about their feelings.

Poor little boy?? His behaviour is completely unescessary.

He's almost three and quite able to calmly says what's up if he wishes to.

I think he has probably got into a habit of crying and although obviously distressed and overwhelmed needs to be handled firmly but kindly.

If I were you I would try controlled crying where you explain calmly that if he doesn't stop crying now you will put him in the cot. Then do it saying quietly and kindly that you will get him out again as soon as he stops crying and talks to you properly.

Wait out of sight and as soon as the sobs stop or any effort is made not to cry go in and start the process again with lots of cuddles, reassurance and praise for not crying.

Obviously as a professional carer who has known this child for a long time you would respond differently to genuine hurt eg from toddler spats or accidental injury.

He will soon start to feel more secure and start asking and behaving nicely once again.

You say you have had different responses on here than from on the Cm thread. I wonder why?

lol @ nononsense nanny what a loon.

poor wee soul.

Thank you nononsensenanny I did this today the times he cried I asked what was wrong when he didn't answer I took him to a quiet area and told him that once he had stopped crying and was ready to play he could come join us. I stayed in earshot and then went through once he started to stop. As a result he only did it 4 times today as the attention he was getting for it was removed and he realised he got far more and nicer attention by joining in and not crying. I don't think you are a loon at all. I would be interested to see how many people on here leave their children in childcare and go to work therefore only having to lookafter them at weekends and evenings making the crying etc much easier to deal with and whether they would be posting the same if they had them 24/7

If your ds is now at pre-school and this mindee is just with you and your 8 mth old he is probably bored. Doesn't matter what activities you do with him most children at that age like playing with other similar aged children. We had similar with our CM. Ds went from being the youngest to the oldest. We didn't have the crying but we did have a reluctance for him to go to the CM's. We switched to wraparound care at school when he was just turned 4 and he loves it. We no longer have the morning battles and both of us are more relaxed as a result. May account for the mum being stressed. I used to feel terribly guilty when I dropped ds off knowing he had to spend the day there (ie nursery holidays).

I totally agree with Mia.

I am shocked by the OP. You tell us that you CM basically because you want to be at home with your own dcs rather than use childcare, because even though you're in the business yourself, you don't actually rate it that highly. Thanks for that. I'm sure you make working parents everywhere feel heartened

You then obsess about your children and whether they are happy with this child crying and your DH, who is seems is at risk of losing his temper with a 3 year old.

I certainly wouldn't be happy to leave my child with someone who I felt was only doing it because they needed the money and weren't prepared to go out to work and use childcare themself.

The thing that really shocks me is the lack of genuine concern about what is troubling the child (you make some assumptions that his mum might be stressed and shouting at him ) and also the lack of communication with the mother.

I am a teacher. If I knew there was a major problem really troubling one of the children I teach, I don't think I'd be posting on MN asking for advice - I think the slightly more professional approach might be to talk to the family involved.

You continue to highlight your inability to be a professional childminder with your reactionary posts OP (I will not use your MN nickname as can't bring myself to type it) Added to that you then attempt to belittle the posts that had responded to your own AIBU

You are paid to look after this little boy, yet as violethill points out, you can only obsess about your own DC, without thinking about your role as a professional childminder. You are not a babysitter, you should be equipped to deal with situations like this.

You are a bad example to all the fantastic professional childminders out there.

Do you really use a cot and a high chair with a 3 year old child?

If you do, the problem's obvious. The poor kid's bored out of his skull.

3 year olds need to be in nursery making friends with other 3 year olds and having fun. Not being stuck in someone's house treated like a 1 year old with an 8 month old baby for company.

I'd cry all day too.

Having read your other thread, what you sem to have failed to mention here is that you were posting on MN (agreed looking for advice) while he was sat in his highchair crying. And do you really have an oustanding Ofsted report?

Sounds like a thoroughly miserable little boy, and if he's being dropped off in a rush by a stressed mum, then perhaps things at home aren't great (marriage problems? money problems?), then his crying is stressing your family and its becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and he'll get increasingly unhappy until something changes. He's prob picked up that people are avoiding him now as they don't want to be with him so he's stuck in a cycle that he doesn't have the capacity to recognise, or the power to break.
Sounds like a deep and meaningful with the parents is long overdue - seems there's a high chance there's problems at home, and if you and the parents can work together to make him feel more secure (drop him off 5 mins earlier, mum brings him in calmly, he's left after a cuddle and kiss?) then everyone in the situation will be so much happier.

OFSTEDoutstanding - cyber swat those nasty, inflammatory posters who have selectively picked and invented words out of your posts whilst ignoring your evident caring concern for all the children you care for.

Goodness only knows where they get that you are obsessing over your own children.

I am pleased that today has been better for you and for the little chap.

nononsensenanny - no-one is being nasty or inflammatory - the OP asked whether we thought she was being unreasonable, some people think she is. If she didn't want opinions, why post?

What we are reacting to, is the idea that a supposed caring professional is sitting by while a child in her care cries for hours on end (she mentioned on her other thread that she was sitting beside him mning while he was in tears in his highchair), and her main reaction is to worry about her own children, rather than try to get to the bottom of what is bothering this poor little chap.

As for your other post - words fail me. Yes, he is three, yes he has other ways to communicate, so why isn't he using them? Why does he feel crying is the only method that will be listened to? There is a REASON children communicate in a certain way and that reason is rarely innate naughtiness, it may be boredom, frustration or real sadness, but no-where in the OP does Ofsted express any desire to understand what's in the child's mind, her only dilemma is whether to give notice or not.

I think many people have responded with sadness because we think of how we would want our own children to be responded to if they were crying with frustration. If my 3 yo DS, for whatever reason, were crying for hours at nursery, I would be devastated to find his keyworker hadn't bothered to discuss the situation with me and was in fact wondering if/how to get rid. And yes, in that situation, I would think the nursery was being bloody unreasonable.

And btw I have read the other thread (on childcare) and I don't think it's entirely fair to say the responses were entirely the opposite. The majority of people there, like here, advised you to try to get to the bottom of the situation and have a heart to heart with the mother.

Ofsted - did you speak to the mum?

i think it is very telling if you haven't

i agree with everything theyoungvisitor has said in response to nononsense nanny

Well said theyoungvisitor, I couldn't even bring myself to respond to nononsensenanny.

I've been lurking on this thread, just because I couldn't bring myself to post as it was too upsetting. I've got a 2 year old at nursery, and my 10 and 12 year olds also went through nursery. If I thought that they were crying all day, and their mindee was on MN complaining about them to strangers while they were crying, it would break my heart. Do some childminders honestly feel like this about their mindees?

The youngvisitor says it all - fabulous post.

shot in the dark - but what's his language like?