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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to strongly disagree with the opinion that crying is inevitable when settling a child into playgroup/nursery

93 replies

emkana · 15/05/2009 23:14

Because I believe that if the child is given enough time to attach to the carers in the setting, ideally a designated keyworker, then eventually they will be willing to let their mother/father go without getting upset. This may take a long time though in which the parent will have to stay with the child, and then withdrawal has to be gradual.

All the people who are involved with ds (portage worker, SN coordinator at playgroup, his keyworker at playgroup) disagree with me on this and say crying is inevitable, so you might as well leave sooner rather than later to get it over with, because if you stay the child will think that you will always stay.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRoberts · 15/05/2009 23:16

Um, yes, YABU...

Children know which buttons to press to make you feel bad about your choices, and they'll press them for a reaction because they can.

If you leave and get the nursery to phone once DS has stopped crying and started enjoying himself, you'll generally be astonished at how quickly the sun comes out...

wrinklytum · 15/05/2009 23:18

I think initially it is inevitable,but if it carries on and is continuos over a period of weeks months then it could be problematic.It is sooo difficult at first.Has your LO just started.Weirdly dd (Who has sn) Cried when we PICKED HER UP from nursey initially! Go figure!It is very hard to leave them at first though,I agree.Is it that they have only just started??

Big hug xxx

Original poster
emkana · 15/05/2009 23:18

I have so far stayed with him and have seen several newcomers to the playgroup and they have been extremely distressed when left, and not just for a few minutes but for close to the whole session, over weeks.

I just don't want that for ds.

(and before you ask, he's not my PFB)

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/05/2009 23:20

Emkana - sorry I think you're kidding yourself. When settling in to a new job or new house I have frequently wanted to cry (and have done so in secret) everything is strange and new and you've got to work so much harder to find your feet - but that's normal in a new situation and so is the crying as a stress reaction. It's impossible to live without stress of some sort so if you're trying to raise a child who doesn't cry I think you are as I say kidding yourself about what is possible.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 15/05/2009 23:21

Oh crap. Can I just say YABU for posting a serious question on a friday night? Shall now take my crappy opinions elsewhere...

Northernlurker · 15/05/2009 23:21

Re the other children - have you considered that the fact that you were there with your child led them to believe that their parent was also still on location and could be summoned if they yelled? Just a thought...

KatyMac · 15/05/2009 23:26

Emkana - I have settled in children (slowly over weeks if not months.....apparently my settling in policy is 'enlightened')

But I have
*some children who leave their parent and are fine
*some children who leave their parent and later go to pieces
*some children who leave their parent in pieces & are fine two minutes later
*some children who leave their parent in pieces & are still in pieces hours later

I have had children who cried when their parents were there

There is no one size fits all but sometimes (& only sometimes) the childcare worker knows when it is time for the mum to leave even if the mum isn't sure

mumeeee · 15/05/2009 23:27

Yes YABU. A child will take longer to settle if a parent always stays around.

FreshlyFrozen · 15/05/2009 23:27

YABtotallyU!

wrinklytum · 15/05/2009 23:34

Emkana,it will get better.Sometimes dropping off and going very quickly is the best option.I KNOW if you have a SN child your fears can be escalated tenfold....will they realise what my dc needs?Only I can understand their signs/how they operate with the food and toileting,medication,will they understand about physio etc?,but if you have a good nursery and support it WILL get there and in a few nmonths you will feel happier.It will be a good experience for your dc,mixing with lots of other childrenoF COURSE INITIALLY IT WILL BE HARD,FOR ALL CHILDREN IT IS A BIG CHANGE GOING TO NURSERY,BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

Hug XXXX

Wonderstuff · 15/05/2009 23:42

My dd didn't cry when I left, but she expressed her anxiety by crying when I picked her up and not taking any milk or going for a poo for about 3 week/6 sessions. She is generally more open to new experiences than her peers, she on the surface seemed fine but I knew she was a bit stressed. There have been studies showing that children not crying at nursery often have high levels of stress hormone.

I agree that your dc would benefit from a gradual settling in period, I think that sometimes children will cry and then be fine after a short period. DD loves her granny but if she is a bit tired she will cry when I go but really she will be fine in 5 minutes.

I think all children are stressed when mummy leaves them for the first time, and they express their distress differently. Ultimately they have to get over this and leave you sometime.

feedthegoat · 15/05/2009 23:43

I have to agree with Northern Lurker actually re children thinking their mum should be there if they see another mum. My ds was fine at playschool and skipped in happily fron the first day. However, after the first term I had a couple weeks of terrible mornings with him screaming and begging me to stay. Thankfully he is articulate and my friend had a chat with him and realised he was upset that the playschool was having mums in to help. I hadn't had a turn and he couldn't understand why I wasn't stopping. He probably thought I just didn't want to but other mums did .

I explained to him it wasn't my turn and he was fine again. Alot of the children were upset at start but staff were lovely with them and they all seem to dash in happily now.

Original poster
emkana · 15/05/2009 23:44

The only people I have left him with so far are my mum, dh's mum and obv dh, and once a friend. All people he knows well and has a close relationship with.

At the moment he does not have a close relationship with any of the staff at PG yet, so I don't want to leave him until he does.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 15/05/2009 23:44

Blardy split infinitives are littering MN tonight

Original poster
emkana · 15/05/2009 23:47

oh come on give me a break I am foreign you know

(and actually quite proud sometimes of my proficiency in the English language )

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/05/2009 23:50

But Emkana - his strongest relationship is always 9quite rightly) going to be with you. If you are there he has no incentive to build links with the workers - what does he need them for if you are around? I can see (I think) why you feel this is the way to go - but as a mother of three, with a decade of nursery, toddler and playgroups behind me, I don't think it's going to happen till you let him be independant of you and start to find his own way.

S1ur · 15/05/2009 23:52

Tricky one emkana, sorry you are having a hard time.

I think if you can afford to be gradual that's great. However I wonder if keeping the time in nursery shorter rather than 'with you' might be an alternative approach? I only say this because I think that for better or worse kids have to work out how to 'be' wit other adults and they kinda have to do that independently to their parents in the end. Now when they have to learn that is up to you of course but if DS is going into nursery I guess you want him to figure that out sooner rather than later so maybe helping him might involve shorter but more frequent trips rather than your presence during those visits.

wrinklytum · 15/05/2009 23:53

It will develop though.The only way it can develop is by "Letting go" in some respects.DD started at a different nursey this week,at her special school.I was terrified butshe loved it.She was full of smiles!It6 is just getting over that initial hurdle.You have loved and nurtured them so much,and it is that feeling that no one can ever understand the complexities of teir needs like a mum does,ut maybe in some senses it is unrealistic to expect a nursery to do this,but it is good for a child to mix with peers,even if they have sn,to socialise with others.It is different for them,away from their usual knowledge,but ultimately they will benefit from developing elationships with other people.In a few months,I bet it is easier xxxxxx

Quattrocento · 15/05/2009 23:54

Being forrin is no excuse. You forriners should know better. You've probably even been taught grammar and stuff.

Original poster
emkana · 15/05/2009 23:54

But what I have done so far is to be there but not be there iyswim, so I don't play with him, I keep back, so that he will interact with the other people there instead - and he has made a start.

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 15/05/2009 23:58

Well well quattrocento you are a hard taskmaster!

So tell me then in which language other than English do you regularly converse on the internet?

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 16/05/2009 00:04

I hope I haven't offended you in any way Emkana.I have had wine for the first time in a month and partly this is cos I am so relieved dd has settled happily in her new nursery setting in her special school.She went swimming today!!What I am tryng to say is that such things stress me out also but ultimately I know I have to let go sometime (You would've laughed atmy tears as dd was borne away by the special school bus on Monday and I blew kisses after the retreating bus)Your LO will get ther eeventually.Big hug Wrinkly xx

Original poster
emkana · 16/05/2009 00:06

wrinklytum, you haven't offended me at all, but nobody has convinced me yet either

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 16/05/2009 00:11

emkana, neithe of my children who are at nursery and school have ever cried when I have left them, I spent a lot of time socialising them with the children at the nursery before they started so they would feel secure in their company and loitered in the background (ie not playing/ engaging with them) the 1st couple of sessions When dd1 started at the school attatched to the nursery there were no tears at all she already knew everyone bar 2 new students and the teachers and was happy to go because she wanted to show her teacher her favourite book.

I have come to the conclusion that either they both feel confident and secure in their environments or just want to be where i'm not hopefully its the former. Good luck, remember every child is different. If you want to do this your way the setting should be supportive.

wrinklytum · 16/05/2009 00:12

So what would be the ideal scenario for you/Would you mind if I asked what your dc disablity is?In dd case she has a condition in which she haS intellectual as well as physical delay so I can see that if your dc has a physical rather than LD it could be different as dd would happily be borne away by anyone who smiled nicely at her (One of my big fears for her in later life)

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