to strongly disagree with the opinion that crying is inevitable when settling a child into playgroup/nursery

[emkana]

Because I believe that if the child is given enough time to attach to the carers in the setting, ideally a designated keyworker, then eventually they will be willing to let their mother/father go without getting upset. This may take a long time though in which the parent will have to stay with the child, and then withdrawal has to be gradual.

All the people who are involved with ds (portage worker, SN coordinator at playgroup, his keyworker at playgroup) disagree with me on this and say crying is inevitable, so you might as well leave sooner rather than later to get it over with, because if you stay the child will think that you will always stay.

Sorry I haven't read the rest of the replies.
I do not think it's inevitable that a child should cry on entry to a new nursery/ pre-school.
At my son's preschool, carers were welcome to take as long as they wish to help their children settle in. I attended at least part of each session for approximately 6 weeks. An extreme example! I felt I really needed to do it this way and it worked well us. We never had any tears.
Of course not everyone has this option as they are working etc. But I would welcome a preschool that understands every child is different. My son's preschool isn't the only one in our area that operates this policy.

Depends on the child. DS1 cried when we settled him into nursery but he's SN and non-verbal so crying is one of his main forms of communication. DH stayed several times (getting more distressed), I took over and left DS1 there straight away. It took about 12 sessions before he settled. He did regress when his brother was born though.

I think it depends on the age of the child. My kids started nursery at his school age 3 1/2ish and were fine (we don't have the term pre-school in Scotland, they are just state nurseries, often attached to schools). Didn't see any crying from other kids either, similarly very little crying at the playgroups where parents were encouraged to be helpers, but this was before CRB checks took over the world.
I can understand very young children crying at private nurseries on initial separations, just because that's what small children do.
There's a good bit near the beginniong of Christopher Brookmyre's "A tale etched in blood and hard black pencil" where a wee boy starting school wonders whether to cry because alot of the others are and maybe that's what you're supposed to do. If 1 kid starts then others often will follow.
I think parents being positive about nursery and not being tearful and hanging around helps, also the kids knowing a few people from swimming classes, tumble tots, playgroup etc.
My kids used to look forward to nursery starting again after the holidays.

I don't believe in "settling in" sessions with parents present. They think you are going to stay there and it is v confusing for them to have you stay then leave.

DD cried for about 4 weeks; I was about to pull her out then she started skipping in.

Crush - I think generalisations can be a bit dangerous when it comes to parenting. In my son's case it wasn't 'very confusing'. The staff at his pre-school didn't think so either and were very enthusiastic about the approach we were taking. We all have to find what works for our children.

For DD it was best - of course everyone does what is best for their child. However I see the logic in my nurserys' approach.

It depends on the age of teh child.At a certain age,for a child not to cry when mum leaves the room is a sign of a sign of a child who is not securely attached.

YABU. Separation anxiety is totally normal and a part of growing up. It often involves tears.

For settling in sessions I just left her - and she was fine. She has now been full time for 4 months - sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't.

umm, i'm of the opinion that kids cry and its really not a big deal. i can see that if it happens continuously over a period of time then another strategy might need to be thought of.

Crush, am glad your daughter's happy but I can't see how a lo can be expected to be left so quickly when they know no-one. To walk into a room and spend a few hours with a group of new people is scary for most adults, let alone for under fives, so I'd guess even the most confident child would struggle, hence the tears. And why on earth would we want our lo's to struggle? Seems bizarre to me..

But most nurseries have settling in plans, don't they? i went in every day for a week when settling in my DS, then the second week I went in for decreasing amounts of time. In total, he had about 16 hours or so of nursery time with me there. What other option is there? That parents stay indefinitely? Impractical for most parents, who are using a nursery for childcare, not for the good of their health.

tbh I think it depends on the individual child what is inevitable and what is not

for me and for my dn, it was (it seems) inevitable that any encounter with a stranger would cause great unhappiness, crying, trying to hide in my mum's skirts

for my dcs otoh it seemed inevitable that people were to be viewed as a source of pleasure

of course I wish I could have been them, would have been so much easier

but I just wasn't

and my mum was probably a lot more sensitive to my moods than I have been to dcs

even dcs need very different handling to each other in situations that they do find stressful: dd basically needs to be pushed into into it with all dramatics ignored; you can't do that with ds, who is a much deeper person in some ways

it's about knowing each individual child

The staff running the playgroup my dd goes to agree with you - they allow the parent to stay with the child for as many sessions as they need to in order to be settled.

I was actually initially surprised that there were no sessions I stayed for, but I loved the nursery and was happy to go with it, leaving her for an hour then building up to 4. It really worked for her and got her to understand and be happy (after about 4 sessions) that I drop her but don't come in and play. I see the logic in it. I have heard from friends that their LOs didn't understand that all of a sudden they were not going to stay anymore, which for me personally would have been more troublesome.

By MrsMattie on Sun 17-May-09 19:38:41
'YABU. Separation anxiety is totally normal and a part of growing up. It often involves tears.'

Yes, I agree it is a normal part of development. However the way you handle it is crucial and there are children whose anxiety levels are far higher than others', because of events in their early months.

For example in an attachment failure, a child will either display no signs of separation anxiety, or have an extreme version.

In some cases it can last a lifetime. I don't think any of us can afford to be cavalier about the effect our behaviour in these situations may have on our children.

I think some tears are probably inevitable, but I don't think actual distress is.

DS always seemed happy to see the back of me TBH and was often annoyed when I came to get him because he was busy with something. I acknowledge though that he is a fiercely independent creature and has been from birth (so nothing to do with our parenting or anything).

From the times I have been IN the nursery and other parents have dropped off crying kids, they all got over it and onto something else within a couple of minutes, so no experience of extended crying jags or anything.

I do think tears are inevitable when you leave your child with anyone .

My Ds is looked after by my Mum most days I am at work and even though he has seen her practically every day since birth there are still tears sometimes when I am leaving.

The same when he goes to nursery, most of the time is fine, but he seems to go through a period of being a bit upset every so often.