to strongly disagree with the opinion that crying is inevitable when settling a child into playgroup/nursery

[emkana]

Because I believe that if the child is given enough time to attach to the carers in the setting, ideally a designated keyworker, then eventually they will be willing to let their mother/father go without getting upset. This may take a long time though in which the parent will have to stay with the child, and then withdrawal has to be gradual.

All the people who are involved with ds (portage worker, SN coordinator at playgroup, his keyworker at playgroup) disagree with me on this and say crying is inevitable, so you might as well leave sooner rather than later to get it over with, because if you stay the child will think that you will always stay.

Yes, how would nurseries manage?

Some kids are ok. Some kids are ok some days and not others. My 4 yo is usually great but has clingy days. He loves his keyworker and she knows how to distract him, cheer him up etc. But some days he wants me to stay and he's sad whatever she does. For about 5 minutes!!

All kids are different. All parents too. Some parents might get more separation anxiety than their kids do, which could be a problem for everyone.

Sometimes 'real world' decisions only look hard to people who aren't in the position of having to make them.

And sometimes nursery workers do know best, and when they ask you to please go and let them get on with it, then you really should.

Oh and SMEE! Hi Smee

Good on you

Flight, it's okay we're building in numbers

All right, IF, I'll let you off then, just this once. I can't see how it's any different from the nonsense of letting babies "cry it out." ALL kids will stop crying if you leave them long enough, it doesn't mean they've suddenly got happy.

IF, I agree with you wholeheartedly.

this thread brings back memories...when my oldest just started Creche, oh, he would break his heart seeing me go, real cry, I felt awful, and he knew teh staff really well, because they were friends we spend time together , so, he grew up knowing them...
I felt awful leaving him to cry, and than as soon as I was out of the door and out of his vision he would stop crying, and I know that because there was a small window in the door that you could look through, into the room...now, that was an eyeopener, lol...Kids can sometimes put it on...

of course if a Kid is really distraught and feels ongoing like that about being left at nursery, I would think that nursery is probably not the place for them.

YANBU
we did this with ds1, i have never left him anywhere crying and would feel that it damaged the trust between us to do this
it took longer that is all
i had the luxury of being able to do it - am SAHM - i understand not everyone is able to do this
but i was, so why would i leave him crying, somewhere he didn't want to be?
it would not have been right for our family, and i made sure i found a nursery that understood this and could accomodate us

Exactly. It's crap isn't it.

SO many people told me what to do with ds.

What vested interest must they have had to believe it was right?

Sometimes I wonder if it's people who were left themselves, still in denial 30 odd years later. I vividly remember my first days at school, crying and depresed and utterly, utterly miserable. I didn't 'get happy' - I gave up

In fact I've stayed depressed to this day.
If ds wasn't happy at school I'd not hesitate to take him out.

He only seems to have trouble now at home, funnily enough...I get followed to the bathroom daily

I think this was my issues contributing to his insecurity, especially when he was small.
But that doesn't mean I should take the top down approach of sending him to nursery anyway...I hadn't given him emotionally the tools to cope with it, it was quite cruel to expect him to handle it.

Franny I think that's wonderful.

I agree it isn't easy for everyone to find the time

I was lucky to be a stay at home mum as well.

How I fucked up by listening to some people...

He would cry for ten minutes to half an hour, every day. Poor little sod

Emkana, you do what feels right to you & sod the critics. I have been there. Some children settle quickly and best if parents drop and run, others will settle best with some transition time. I have had both types of child. They are not little robots -- they need to be treated like individuals.

Some people on here fail to realise this is Emkana's 3rd dc; she's not a clingy over-protective mum of an only.

They will struggle to ever form close relationships with nursery keyworkers, though, ime. That's not how a nursery environment works.

lljkk, I disagree on your last point - I think some nursery workers are more than capable of forming close bonds. DS still adores his and we have to go back to visit and meet up with some in parks with their DC too. Though I know that's unusual

Ds would sometimes cry when I left him at nursery when he was very little (day nursery, I had to work so couldn't hang around). I peeped through the window and he was always happily playing once I had left, so that reassured me. Although if I'd had a choice, I'd have preferred not to upset him even for a few minutes.

Then when he'd been there a year he went through another clingy phase. That worried me as he'd been so settled. I was concerned about some other things that were going on, new manager and lots of staff turnover, so ended up taking him out. I think his distress was because he was unhappy about all these things. I then employed his old keyworker as a nanny (she hadn't been his keyworker for a while due to staff turnover and being moved into anotehr room) and she told me he'd been even more sad than I'd realised.

Iijkk, under the new EYFS, forming close bonds with our own key children is absolutely crucial. Some of my key children at the nursery where i work call me 'Mummy' by mistake. Can't get closer than that, can you?

Message withdrawn

different strokes, DS1 was a real boo hooer at pre-school, took weeks to settle him, but we got intoa good routine, his key worker would pick him up and they'd wave through the window at me, sometimes a sobbing face, but then the tears became less and stopped. He always STOPPED minutes after I'd gone. I used to wait in the car round the corner and ring them 15 mins later, which they did not mind at all, they just dealt with it the best way for both of us.

When he left pre-school to start big school he clung on to hiskey worker as he love pre-school so so much he did not want to leave!

DS2 has just started pre-school and he has shed not one tear, straight to the front of they queue, kisses me and off he goes, no problem.

So who knows why, perhaps it was me with DS1, first child nerves, not been around other kids much, and DS2 has been going into the same playground since birth so used to the setting and other kids, who knows.

The crunch factor is do you stay to comfort of just go. So tricky. In my experience from others, Mums who stay longer to comfort often make it worse for the child, calming and going setting them off all over again.

But you must trust your gut and take advice from your childcare provider as to what would be best.

You just gotta suck it and see, for want of a different expression!

YANBU at all.
I'm also a foreigner in a foreign place (Italy) and nursery thought I was bonkers to insist on a gradual settling in (but humoured me- daft English woman) Dd has never cried (except on Sundays when she thinks it's a nursery day and I have to tell her it's a Mum day )
Why should them crying be considered normal?
By having a gradual settling in period the child is secure in the knowledge that Mum is coming back, and it won't be long, so that by the time you get to having to leave them for a long time, they are already well established within the nursery routine/with their keyworkers etc.

Excellent nursery, very caring with lovely, lovely staff

DC1 used to cry
DC2 never has

They are different characters.

I think it can depend on the age of the child. I was fortunate in being able to stay at home with my kids so I chose for DD1 to not start nursery until she was 3. Being older she understood what it was about and was very keen to go. She pretty much abandoned me at the door to go play with all the new friends.
For a younger child I expect it would be much more stressful for Mummy to leave them for a few hours, so in that case crying would be somewhat inevitable.

to be honest that was my point with ds he has ASD and the need for routine and similar routine is crucial for him i chose not to stay as i new he'd think that i always stayed and it took him 2 weeks of 2 sessions a week and he was settled he knew i dropped him off and learnt i came back to pick him up

caro, I think it is more personality of child that makes settlng in periods different....my ms just walked in....whereas ys created somewhat...thing was, before he started at that nursery he used to throw tantrums because ms was allowed to stay and he wasn't...

am with you emkana.

tbh it gets right up my nose that so many people are telling me what I should be doing - not used to it I guess because with my dd's there weren't so many people involved

You can't make a blanket statement about children-they don't fit conveniently into boxes. It depends entirely on the personality of the DC. As the mother you know your DC best-you don't know best for other DCs.

I used to dump and run and rely on the nursery calling if ds was upset. I figured that since he had spent so much time with others (lots of medical appointments too) he wouldn't be overly concerned. He was already used to being left at a CM from 10 months (no choice about working). I think that all children cry and some stage and it is perfectly normal and natural. If they do nothing else but cry then I would be concerned.

emkana, I think nurseries are as varied as schools - I definitely thought there was a huge variety. If the one you're at isn't amenable to you settling him in over a longer period, then maybe you should think about finding one is?