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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you write a letter? or would it be unreasonable to do so?

99 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 18:57

I collected ds1 from school yesterday and he was in a foul and upset mood, so i asked him what was wrong. He told me that 2 of the children in his class had gone to one of the male teachers and accussed him of "saying something" so the male teacher and his class teacher both went to him and told him he had made a comment that they were not happy about and he needed to write a letter to explain what he had said and why he had said it, he kept telling them he had not said anything and they again told him he had and they would be passing it to the headteacher. I asked ds1 to ask the male teacher if he would talk to me and his reply was there is no need it has been passed to the head. I asked the head last night and she had no idea what i was talking about.

So today I collect ds1, but before he came out i spoke to the head who said all she knew is there were apparently some not so nice comments made and some name calling but that was it. She could not shed any light on the situation.

DS1 came out and i asked him what had happened as he had not written the letter as told. He said the teachers told him he had
to a girl said
"I can see a hole in your tights"
And to a boy
"I raped your mum"

Now I am the first to admit ds1 is no angel BUT he knows rape is not a nice thing, he knows it scars people for life and he also assures me he never said anything of the kind. I have to say I believe him 1000000000000% He knows the implications of rape and what it means to be a victim....and i dont for one millisecond believe he said it.

However the class teacher has told him she will "deal" with him tomorrow after he has finished his last sats test.

1 of these children who made the accusation is being monitored by the young offenders and is on the brink of being put in a Y.O unit. he has also been expelled from 5 schools yet they believe him over my ds1 which i have to say i find annoying. I don't for one second believe he is a perfect angel as those on here who know me will vouch to as i have posted about his behaviour at home.

would i be unreasonable to write to the teacher for ds1 to give her in the morning telling her i think she needs to look further into it as everytime there is an incident it is always ds1 who is singled out and i am getting a tad pissed off with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:00

Also the boy he apparently made this comment to was the same boy who got him in trouble last week by talking to him in class and then blaming ds1.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 19:02

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:05

Shine,

ds1 is 10 yrs old. I will back him 10000000% in this as he knows rape is not something to be joked about.

The reason he knows is...well i was raped when i was 18 and in 2006 the man who did it escaped from prison, i had police on my doorstep often and they also came in to our home, put in safety measures etc. He was asking me time and time again why they were there, and in the end my mum explained to him.

He has seen the affects an thats why i believe he would not have said it.

OP posts:

motherlovebone · 14/05/2009 19:06

I was going to say the same thing, what is his age?

knows about rape and the implications?

at your post

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:06

He is not badly behaved in school, he does the usual silly things like name calling, joking around. But he is not badly behaved in school just at home but thats a different issue lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:07

Mother why shocked?

OP posts:

cory · 14/05/2009 19:10

if he is alledge to have said something to a girl, wouldn't it make sense to for the teacher to take the girl to one side and ask what actually happened, rather than relying on second-hand reports?

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 14/05/2009 19:11

and for the teacher to check if there were any other eye witnesses

couldn't you gently suggest this?

motherlovebone · 14/05/2009 19:13

that 10 yo knows what rape is.

now you have clarified, makes it more possible that he could have said it.

my opinion aside, you know who is involved, and are informed, so no, it would not be unreasonable to write a letter.
he should not be punished on hearsay, neither wait for his punishment til after his sats. may affect his grade

cory · 14/05/2009 19:13

the problem is that anyone who has spent a few years in the teaching profession will have had so many parents saying that my child simply would never do anything like this, even when the child has been caught redhanded or half the class has witnessed the behaviour

makes them jaundiced, sadly

nickschick · 14/05/2009 19:13

I dont disbelieve you evenstar and i am really sorry for what has happened to you but I think this is a comment being bandied around a lot lately- my ds3 was playing on his brothers x box which has live facility and a boy of 12 said through the live facility to ds3 who is only 8 'I raped your mother' - ds3 not knowing what this was repeated it to me and his older brother,ds2 took great offence at this and confronted the boy at school.

Regardless of what school allege you must stick by your son - if I were you ( and assuming you are able to do what I suggest) I would tell my ds that i believed him and that if the teacher confronts him he is to say 'my mum has said if you need to discuss this with me then she wants to be here too,please telephone her and she will come directly' that way you can support your son and make sure he is not pushed into admission.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:13

Shine, no I have never had counselling.....maybe I should have!

Sadly he does know far more than a 10 yr old should and I wish he had never needed to.

I have asked him time and again what was said and he has said "Mummy you know if i say something i always come and tell you even if it is not straight away but i never said anything"

and he is right, he always tells me what really happened but this time he is sticking to his guns....

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:17

Cory, I am in agreeance with you there, I have always heard both sides of the story before i have said anything.

Mother, I don;t believe he said it as he has seen the fear in me and how badly it has affected me.

Nickschick, I will do that and also send a letter to that affect with him.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 14/05/2009 19:18

Agree with motherlove. Making a child wait until after his SATS for a 'punishment' is cruel and ineffective. Particularly as in this case there appears to be a large question mark over whether the child is actually guilty of this.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:20

Corn, when i spoke to head her exact words were there seems to have been some name calling. She never said anything else which i find odd

OP posts:

motherlovebone · 14/05/2009 19:20

you could still have counselling.

at children thinking and saying these things.

maybe traumatic for littleEvenstar to have that allegation?

def go into school / write

cornsilk · 14/05/2009 19:21

I would not be happy at all in your situation Evenstar. Do you think that the Head was trying to play it down?

GossipMonger · 14/05/2009 19:28

What a horrible situation to be in and what a horrible 'joke' to have made.

However, imvho very few 10y olds would even know what rape was, never mind the implications etc. Am not calling you a liar but I think you should be prepared for the fact that your ds probably did say it.

I think I would arrange a meeting to discuss this with the HT and his teacher and to discuss the other child in his class.

Am for you.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 19:35

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slushy06 · 14/05/2009 19:44

evenstar you know your son best, If you believe your son would not do this then I would try to get to the bottom of things and find out if its his word against another boys why they are choosing to believe your son is lying. If by any chance your son did say this I would not take it personally as I am sure alot of 10 year old boys do say things like this alot without realising the ramifications. I am sorry to hear you had such a hard time.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 19:49

Shine, on I am going to defend him, I don't for one second believe he said it. I quite believe the harmless comment of I can see a hole in your tights could have been something he said...but then i can't see why that is offensive.

however i have asked him, the headteacher, the class teacher, my mum (who works in the school), the male teacher, my sister, his dad have all spoken to him and asked him what happened.

His explanation is the same eachtime.

That they came back from lunch sat down these 2 children got up went to the teacher and made the accusation. He was told they had not had time to discuss what they were going to say and that he had said it as he sat down. Bearing in mind he sits at the front of the class and the teacher was in front of him, but these 2 children handed him a note each and then he was later called out by the 2 teachers.

OP posts:

Greensneeze · 14/05/2009 19:54

If you're absolutely sure he didn't say it, write the letter and back him up to the best of your ability. I would.

BUT - and this is only meant kindly - IF it later turns out that he did say it, it doesn't make him a horrible person or cruel or anything else. IF he said it, I would think it's because it's something he's had to work through in his own subconscious. What's the worst thing that can happen? Sombody rapes your mum. To a little boy who adores you that could be quite difficult to process, and sometimes when children are riled they blurt out whatever happens to be on their minds without it going via a conscious choice, IYSWIM. And even though he always tells you, he couldn't tell you this, could he? He knows what a terrible thing it is to say, especially for you.

So if you're sure he didn't say it, then I would do exactly what you are proposing to do. But if you later find that he did say it, don't think the worst of him.

Greensneeze · 14/05/2009 19:55

If I am completely wrong OP, just disregard my post - very difficult to offer advice without knowing you or your ds.

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